30-04-2025
Rocketing dud Sir Keir did well to answer the most boring man in Parliament, writes QUENTIN LETTS
Prime Minister's Questions began with news that a Houthi drone factory in Yemen had been destroyed by the RAF.
But the drone factory at Westminster was still producing annoying devices – known by various names, most politely 'MPs' or 'backbenchers' – that are capable of doing terrible damage to the nation's morale.
The Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, had just initiated proceedings when there came a mosquito-like whine. Old-timers ducked for safety.
More innocent souls looked up, left and right, trying to locate the source of this irritating, doomful hum.
Then they spotted it: a little chap on the Lib Dem benches, not much above 5ft, who was clutching his usual cue cards (few of the new intake have the wit to memorise their questions).
Oh no, it was Wokingham's Clive Jones, the most boring man in Parliament! He makes even 'Bozo Bill' Esterson look a gifted raconteur.
Mr Jones put his question. It was not a short one. They never are.
What meagre energy the House had possessed was swiftly going down the plughole. MPs started talking over him.
Mr Jones put his question. It was not a short one. They never are. Although I am sometimes critical of Sir Keir Starmer – himself a rocketing dud – it must be said that he did well to produce some sort of answer to Mr Jones, says Letts
Mr Jones, oblivious to his shortcomings, seemed to imagine that the laughter was reward for his oratorical brilliance rather than in mockery of his E.L. Wisty dullness.
Eventually Speaker Hoyle pulled out his Luger and shot Mr Jones out of the skies.
Although I am sometimes critical of Sir Keir Starmer – himself a rocketing dud – it must be said that he did well to produce some sort of answer to Mr Jones.
Few others in the chamber had a clue as to what the Wokingham wombat had been saying.
Next up: Dan Tomlinson (Lab, Chipping Barnet). Drones sometimes go phut mid-flight. This happened to Tomlinson.
Operator error. He made the mistake of trying to suck up to his whips by asking Sir Keir a patsy question about the opposition.
You are supposed to ask the PM about government responsibilities. Sir Lindsay rightly told Mr Tomlinson to shut up.
The Chipping Barnet stooge tried to finish his question but his microphone had been switched off. His final words went mercifully unheard as his rotor blades bit the turf and his mission ended in tinkling disaster.
Little Sam Carling (Lab, NW Cambs) had a question. Mr Carling is aged about 14. As his moment approached he looked pale. Kept swallowing.
Checked his flies. Tugged at his fringe. I thought he was going to be sick.
His question turned out to be another whips special, imploring the PM to update Cambridgeshire residents on Labour's 'plan for change'. Young Carling sat down with a look of immense relief.
Now he could go and have a can of pop at the tuck shop.
Julie Minns (Lab, Carlisle and North Cumbria), listing villages that had breakfast clubs, also managed to say 'plan for change'.
So did Josh Simons (Lab, Makerfield). The Chief Whip looked faintly disgusted. Whips never respect sycophants.
Sir Bernard Jenkin (Con, Harwich and North Essex) gave a plug to a coming concert by the parliamentary choir. It seemed he might be about to list the entire programme.
Sir Bernard, who once considered trying to become a professional tenor, could at least have sung his question.
Mark Francois (Con, Rayleigh and Wickford) banged on about the late Dame Vera Lynn. A shameless pitch for the Gen Z vote.
Nigel Farage (Reform, Clacton) asked about immigration but he was hard to hear in the chamber, either because his microphone was not working or because he lacks Sir Bernard's vocal projection.
Sir Keir, having already had a tricky time with Kemi Badenoch, was snappy about both Reform and the Tories.
The PM's best moment was when he joked about Robert Jenrick 'still running' after the London marathon.
Lady Starmer was in an upstairs gallery. A rare visitor. During the ten minutes I watched her, she betrayed no emotion, not even when her husband did OK.
An expressionless visage. She was not quite sad but lacked rapture. Perhaps she hates this place.
