13-05-2025
Sexuality Professor Answers Dating Questions
Dr. Zhana Vrangalova joins WIRED to answer the internet's burning questions about dating. What's the best way to deal with rejection? How can you know if your standards are too high or if you're settling? Why do people tolerate situationships? Is physical attraction more important than emotional attraction? Can you grow into loving someone? What's a fu*kboy? Answers to these questions and many more await on Dating Support. Director: Justin Wolfson Director of Photography: Chris Eustache Editor: Paul Tael Expert: Dr. Zhana Vrangalova Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi Associate Producer: Brandon White Production Manager: Peter Brunette Production Coordinator: Rhyan Lark Casting Producer: Nicholas Sawyer Camera Operator: Constantine Economides Sound Mixer: Mariya Chulichkova Production Assistant: Sonia Butt Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo Additional Editor: Jason Malizia; Samantha DiVito Assistant Editor: Billy Ward
- I'm Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, a relationships consultant and professor of human sexuality, and today I am here to answer your questions from the internet.
This is Dating Support.
[upbeat music] All right, let's see.
1stthing1st asks, "Is it true that guys are no longer approaching women in public?"
It is, and you could argue for better or worse.
I would argue it is for the worse because humans evolved to interact with each other in person.
And while dating apps are great, they are one of the many tools in the toolbox, we should not forget about that organic way of meeting people that can happen on the street, at the coffee shop, at the gym.
That is often a lot more magical when it happens than when you're on a dating app.
But because of partially dating apps, partially also because of greater awareness around sexual harassment, sexual abuse, especially post #MeToo, there's more realizations that the way people have approached, especially the way men often approach women in these non-designated flirting areas, can come across in a way that makes women feel unsafe.
And I would love it if we brought it back, but in a way that does not make people feel unsafe or threatened.
lifewithnai asks, "How important is physical attraction versus emotional attraction?"
For a long-term relationship, emotional attraction is really, really important.
That's what sustains us over the long-term.
The trust, the connection, the intimacy, all of that is really important to have.
So if you're gonna date someone for a long time, if you're gonna marry them, have kids with them, settle down, make sure you have emotional attraction and connection.
Now, the physical attraction is a bit more of an it depends.
It's really, really important for some people and far less important to other people.
It's also something that's a lot more important in the beginning of the relationship.
It often gets people excited about each other, but then over time it's just not that important.
And it's important to remember that physical attraction can increase the more you like the person, the more emotional attraction exists between you two.
Actual_Parsnip says, "Change my view.
Dating is generally far easier for women than it is for men."
This is an interesting one.
The truth is, a little bit of both.
On one hand, dating is easier for women in terms of meeting potential partners.
Women get approached a lot more.
If you're on the dating apps, you have so many more options.
So it's definitely easier to meet someone and go on a date.
On the other hand, women often don't get what they actually are looking for because many of these men who are approaching women are looking for something that the women are not actually looking for, casual sex versus romantic relationships.
And also, can you get the high quality romantic relationship that you want?
That's often something that women don't get.
And so if you are a man who's looking for a long-term relationship, oftentimes you can have a pretty good experience and a lot of options to choose from because a lot of the other guys being on offer are not offering that.
A Reddit user asks, "Are situationships really changing the dating game and why do people put up with them?"
So first, what is a situationship?
It's one of these ongoing sexual and maybe even romantic relationships, but they don't really have a clear definition and there's no clear commitment around them.
If you don't want to get stuck in a situationship, then don't allow it to happen.
I mean, situationships exist because usually they work for one person who's happy to have that sort of undefined state of being, and they usually don't work for the other person who would like to have a bit more definition, but they're just not getting it and for one reason or another putting up with it.
And you could argue it's not really ethical if one person knows that the other person is not really enjoying and loving this situationship to keep it going, but on the other hand, everybody has responsibility in this.
If it's not working out for you, you also have the responsibility to say it's not working.
One person can't have all of the responsibility.
They also can't be mind readers.
That's why communication is so important.
Talk to each other.
123mando asks, "Does anyone have tips on how to handle rejection in a healthy way?"
First and foremost, accept rejection gracefully.
It's never fun to get rejected, but it's also part of life, and we have to learn how to take it in stride.
Try not to take it personally.
Very often, it's not personal.
It has to do with not being compatible, not being the right time, or simply other circumstances.
So be compassionate toward yourself.
Feel your feelings, but don't go too hard on yourself.
A Reddit user asks, "Should you always trust your gut?"
This might sound like old wives tales, but the gut is actually a real thing when it comes to our connection to the brain.
It's sort of like a second brain because it actually has over 100 million neurons inside the gut and they are connected through the vagus nerve.
It takes in information, and in those moments of fight or flight, when something is off, it can tell us get out of that situation, or if something feels good and right, it can also pull us toward that situation.
So don't ignore the gut.
If the gut is saying get out of here, then probably there's something off about that person.
That said, the gut is not all you should be paying attention to because there are other pieces of information that the gut cannot take in and process, and for that, you need your brain.
So make the brain and the gut work together with each other when deciding who's a good potential partner and who's not.
A Reddit user asks, "Why are men much more willing to have casual sex than women?"
Oh boy, this is a big question.
That's a big answer.
Two big pieces of that answer.
There are evolutionary biological differences between men and women and there are sociocultural reasons why this is happening.
On an evolutionary biological basis, there are very obvious differences in our reproductive anatomy and physiology.
Men make lots and lots of sperm.
They can easily deposit that sperm in as many vaginas as they have access to and make lots and lots of babies.
Then they don't have to put in any amount of effort into doing anything to have that baby be born, potentially survive, and so on.
They can literally do the bam, wham, thank you, ma'am, and that's it.
Now, that might not be in the best interest of that kid, and there's a whole conversation around, well, if you don't put in any effort beyond the bam, wham, thank you, ma'am, is that kid actually going to make it?
In general, there is a much lower what's called minimum parental investment that men need to put in in order for a baby to be born.
Females, on the other hand, have a very different math when it comes to sex.
And for women having sex often meant getting pregnant, and that carried the cost of pregnancy for nine months, breastfeeding for usually about two, maybe three years, and during that time, you can really be having or making new babies.
And so there's a very different cost of reproduction, which plays into the way we think about having these more casual context for sex.
The interesting thing that has happened over the last 50 or so years and more and more as we have developed all of these new ways of interacting in society, greater gender equality, greater access of women to economic means and political power and greater independence, as well as the access to birth control and decoupling basically of sex from reproduction, what we have now is a situation that has never really existed before in the history of humanity, and that is that sex no longer has to lead to pregnancy.
So women have that luxury of having casual sex that does not lead to that potentially unintended consequence.
LadyMinxNI ask, "Also in the context of dating, what on earth is orbiting?
This is like a whole other language."
It is.
If you just look at what's happened to the dating language over the last five to 10 years, we have so many terms that we never had before, for better or worse.
So what is orbiting?
Orbiting is when someone that you either was dating or started to date or maybe even you were in a serious relationship with, and that ended and they stopped communicating with you directly, so no more texts or calls seeing each other, but they still kind of stay connected with you on social media usually.
So they will like your posts, they are following you, they're viewing your stories, following your activity, so they kind of keep you in their orbit, but without actually having any kind of meaningful communication, which to a lot of people can be distressing because you feel like there's no closure.
speckrex asks, "Can we define the term [beep] boy?"
It's an important term.
[beep] boy is someone, typically male, who likes to pursue multiple sexual relationships simultaneously, not really put in a lot of or any emotional commitment into them, which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but the key piece about the [beep] boy is that he usually does it with some lying and cheating and not being honest about his intentions, so there's manipulation, which is why it's often a disparaging kind of term.
Ashley Groussman asks, "How do you decide in a relationship what is a deal breaker?"
By knowing yourself and what matters to you.
Everybody's different, what is going to matter for them versus other people.
You wanna think about what are your core values that matter to you long-term.
For some people, it will be religion or politics or how you approach money or whether you want children or not or how you wanna deal with family.
So make sure that you are on the same page on those issues.
Other things like behavioral patterns, like what kind of health behaviors do we engage in?
Are there any addiction issues, abuse, dishonesty, communication patterns?
How do you wanna live your life?
Do you wanna live in the suburbs or in the city?
Do you want to party and travel?
What kind of career path do you wanna have?
Those are all things that are gonna come up and bite you if you're not on the same page.
Ok-Statement-2 asks, "How do you decide if you're settling or being realistic with your expectations?"
It's a good question.
We can't have everything.
Something is gonna have to give, but you have to know yourself so that you know what your core needs in a relationship are.
You're likely settling if you're ongoingly, unfulfilled, resentful, if you feel like you're compromising on your core values.
If you are staying in a relationship mainly because you fear of being alone and you're being realistic if you're making some compromises on certain preferences if most of the time in the relationship you feel like your core needs are being met and you are generally happy and satisfied.
sxr444h says, "What attachment style is it where you yearn for the man who doesn't consistently show his interest in you, if any?"
[sighs] This is a common thing that happens.
The attachment style that usually goes with that is the anxious attachment style.
Well, people often don't have a very high opinion of themselves and do have a higher opinion of other people, and they are willing to put up with treatment that's not necessarily the greatest just because they're afraid of losing that person.
It often comes from not having healthy role models for what is a good, healthy kind of relationship where the person does show interest in you.
The thing to do is work with a therapist.
It's absolutely possible to get to a healthier dynamic.
It just takes a little bit of work.
a_lucid_casadilla asks, "How important is chemistry in a relationship?"
Chemistry is in some sense elusive and it's hard to define, but it's about that sense of strong attraction.
Often it's physical.
Sometimes it might also be intellectual or emotional.
But it's that feeling like we really gel, right?
It's something really pulling me towards you and you're being pulled towards me and it feels pretty magical.
For most of us, especially in the West and the way we like to start our relationships, it's pretty important, especially if you want that physical attraction or connection that propels you into a long-term experience.
For some people, it's not that important.
They make their decisions to be with someone based on more kind of rational criteria, like will they make a good parent and do they have good financial prospects and that kind of stuff, and so that's okay too.
ROWEBOT3339 says, "Would you rather be ghosted or have someone tell you why they don't want to see or talk to you again?"
Well, it depends.
People have different preferences.
And there's no real research asking people what they would prefer so that we know what the majority is.
My best sense from talking to students and clients is that most people prefer to have some sort of indication that the person doesn't want to see them again so that they have a little bit of closure and know where they stand.
There are some people who would prefer to just get ghosted because that on one hand is maybe a little less awkward.
You don't have to face the rejection directly.
It kind of leaves things like, well, you never know.
Maybe this person will come around, and so they find it easier, especially when it's early on.
NafulaO_M asks, "Do attachment styles change with different partners or is it constant?
Like, can I have an anxious attachment style with one partner and avoidant with another?"
There is actually a lot of science going back decades about attachment styles, attachment patterns, how they develop, how they impact romantic relationships.
So this really is a real thing.
And so our attachment styles are something that is relatively consistent and it's something that we start to develop early on through our interactions with our primary caregivers as we grow up, and then they get reinforced as we start to interact with romantic partners and friends and other adults in our lives.
And while there is certainly some level of continuity over time, different people can also elicit different kinds of reactions from us.
So when we interact, let's say, with someone who is very avoidant, even if we're not particularly anxious, it can elicit somewhat of an anxious response from us because they are acting so avoidant.
Vice versa, if we are interacting with someone who's really anxious, very clingy, and requiring a lot of time and attention and reassurance from us, we can start to act a bit more avoidant, even if we're not technically very avoidant.
So it absolutely can fluctuate depending on who we're interacting with.
The good news is, even if we have an attachment style that is no longer optimal or that we're not happy with as adults, like if we're really avoidant and really anxious and we wanna do something about it, we can do something about it.
These things can change.
They can change with just knowledge about what our styles are, where they come from, and so that we can catch some of those reactions when we have them.
Sometimes it's good to have a therapist to work through some of those issues, especially some of the stuff that comes from childhood.
And very often what helps us overcome some of these no longer serving as types of patterns is pairing up with someone who has a more secure attachment style or is willing, even if they themselves have some avoidant or anxious tendencies, but they are willing to be aware of it, and then work with us to catch each other and hold each other accountable for when some of these things flare up and bring them back down, down regulate them.
salute_ace asks, "How do I tell my partner I wanna have a threesome for the first time?"
Oh, this is a spicy one.
Threesomes is the single most common sexual fantasies that Americans have.
Go figure, and yet it can be a pretty dicey thing to ask someone because what if they're not on the same page and that blows up in your face?
So kind of two main avenues for how you can go about this.
You can take a more indirect approach to find out what their opinion view generally is on threesomes before maybe you ask the big question, and you can do that by bringing up, I don't know, something that you've read or seen in a movie or a TV show or heard about your friends doing and then asking your partner what they think, so you kind of probe a little bit.
The other way is, talking about your fantasies.
Maybe have a moment where you decide that you're gonna share your top three fantasies with each other.
Make it kind of low stakes.
Acknowledge that sharing fantasies can be pretty vulnerable because there's so much sex shaming and taboos.
This is stuff that, you know, it's something that you fantasize about occasionally.
Doesn't necessarily mean you have to do it or you want to do it.
It's just something that you wanna share with your partner.
WideSandwich69 asks, "Is it possible to grow into loving someone?"
Absolutely yes.
Love has these two stages, especially the way we do love and relationships in the West.
The first part is that crazy infatuation when we lose our minds over this new person, and then over time, that subsides and turns into this long-term attachment where we are in a calmer state, but we also know there's a lot more security, there's long-term care, we are invested in their wellbeing, they're invested in our wellbeing.
It absolutely is possible, even sometimes when you don't necessarily have that initial stage of infatuation to over time grow into loving them and turning that into a long-term attachment.
In fact, when people in many cultures have arranged marriages, they start out with no infatuation.
Very often, they barely even know each other.
But over time, as they spend more time with each other, they grow into that attachment level love.
kdizzlin asks, "People are really out here in relationships with no traveling together, no dates, no spice, just arguments, [beep] sex, and going to sleep.
What the are you doing?"
It's a great observation.
There are a lot of people who are in low quality relationships.
Why are people doing it?
Often because they feel they don't have a better option because they are afraid to put themselves back out there because often they think that's all they deserve.
A lot of us come from families and have these role models for what relationships are like that are not of a high quality relationship.
And so, yeah, many of us are stuck in poor relationships, and if this is you, reconsider either work on getting that relationship to a much better level or move on and find someone who's more compatible with you.
That's all the questions we have time for today.
I hope that was useful.
Until next time.
[upbeat music]
