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Forbes
4 days ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Beliefs That Make You Vulnerable To Psychological Control — By A Psychologist
Some of the most enduring forms of manipulation don't rely on force. They take root quietly, through beliefs we never learned to question. These beliefs often form early, shaped by family dynamics, cultural expectations or past relationships that were either deeply disappointing or subtly dysfunctional. Over time, they harden into internal rules that feel like truth. Left unexamined, they become cracks in our psychological foundation, the very entry points where control and coercion can slip in. Many people who seek therapy aren't struggling because they lack insight. Often, they do sense that something feels off in their relationships. Perhaps a sense of vague discomfort or a gut instinct but find themselves stuck in patterns of over-accommodation, self-doubt or emotional disconnection. And beneath that stuckness is usually a belief system quietly working against them. Here are three such beliefs that can make you more vulnerable to psychological control — and what you can begin to believe instead, if you want to reclaim your autonomy. This belief turns boundaries into threats rather than tools for connection. It convinces you that asserting your needs will push people away. So, you trade honesty for harmony and authenticity for approval. You say yes when you mean no, tolerate discomfort silently, and in the process, shrink yourself to keep the peace. Manipulative or self-serving individuals often catch on to this quickly. They rely on your fear of abandonment to maintain control. When you attempt to assert yourself, they may respond with: These aren't random reactions. They function as a way of conditioning. You speak up and you're punished. Stay silent and things stay 'peaceful.' A 2014 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology helps understand why those with high attachment anxiety may struggle to set boundaries. In the face of conflict or criticism, they often express heightened emotional hurt to induce guilt in their partners. While this may momentarily preserve closeness and provide reassurance, it gradually erodes mutual well-being. Over time, their partners experience reduced relationship satisfaction — reinforcing a painful pattern: intimacy is preserved, but at the expense of authenticity. As this dynamic repeats, you start to associate losing yourself with keeping others. The relationship begins to feel more like captivity than connection. Often, this pattern takes root in childhood. If love or safety depended on compliance, or if expressing your needs led to conflict or rejection, you likely learned to suppress your truth to stay connected. However, as adaptive as this may have been in the past, in adulthood it translates to self-erasure. To outgrow this pattern: Remember, healthy relationships can handle your 'no.' In fact, they require it. If someone leaves when you assert yourself, they were never truly invested in your well-being. This belief often disguises itself as 'kindness.' Being the one who understands, helps and heals others can feel noble, even admirable. But when care becomes compulsion, and when support turns into self-sacrifice, the relationship begins to lose balance. You're no longer a partner, because now you are the fixer, the emotional buffer, the one who holds it all together for yourself and others. A 2013 study on unmitigated communion (UC) sheds light on this dynamic. Unmitigated Communion refers to the tendency to care for others at the expense of your own well-being. It's especially problematic when driven by self-oriented motives, such as the need to feel valued, needed or secure. The study found that people high on this tendency often tie their self-worth to how much they can do for others. The research shows that this dynamic is linked with shame, low self-esteem and anxious attachment — all of which keep you in overdrive while giving others room to take you for granted. Manipulative or emotionally immature individuals end up exploiting this belief with ease. They may offload their emotional pain to secure your attention and get you to invest your emotional labor, making their crisis your responsibility. And when change doesn't happen, or the emotional load gets heavier, you blame yourself — for not helping 'well enough' or working 'hard enough.' Often, this script begins in childhood. If you had to soothe a parent's mood, manage their distress or serve as the emotional adult in the room, you may have learned to equate being loved with being useful. And in adulthood, you unconsciously seek out people who allow you to stay in that role, even if it chips away at your sense of self. But support doesn't require self-abandonment. Love doesn't need to look like labor. The shift begins when you stop confusing care with responsibility. You're allowed to care about someone without carrying them. Support and responsibility are not the same thing. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself in difficult moments: Prioritizing yourself doesn't make you cold or indifferent. It makes you emotionally mature. You can still be compassionate without abandoning yourself in the process. True support honors both people. It says, 'I believe in your capacity to grow, and I trust myself enough not to carry what isn't mine.' On the surface, this belief sounds virtuous. Kindness is, after all, a deeply valued trait in most cultures and families. But kindness without discernment often turns into passivity. You may find yourself over-apologizing, avoiding conflict, downplaying mistreatment or saying yes when you desperately want to say no, all to avoid being seen as rude, selfish or difficult. This constant performance of goodness isn't always about caring for others. Often, it's about earning approval or avoiding rejection. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that when people are kind to be liked, rather than from genuine care, they're more likely to experience anxiety, shame, depression and chronic stress. In such cases, kindness becomes a form of appeasement. Manipulative individuals quickly pick up on this tendency. They sense that you're more invested in being perceived as kind than in protecting yourself which makes it easier for them to exploit it. Your silence, patience and reluctance to set boundaries become the very tools they use to push past them. Over time, you begin to equate 'being kind' with 'being quiet.' You swallow your instincts, suppress your anger and confuse peacekeeping with inner peace. This pattern often begins in childhood environments where emotional expression is discouraged or punished. You might have been praised for being 'a good girl,' 'a nice boy' or 'so easy to raise' as long as you didn't cause a fuss. If asserting yourself led to criticism, you likely learned to equate safety with agreeability. Cultural or gendered conditioning can further reinforce this. In many societies, kindness, particularly for women and girls, is conflated with compliance. Over time, it stops being a value and becomes a survival mechanism. To outgrow this belief, you must learn to say no without guilt, disagree without hostility and walk away without apology when your boundaries are violated. Here are a few ways to reframe kindness: Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is say 'no' to protect your dignity. Boundaries, directness and even distance can be acts of deep kindness, especially when they help restore balance in a dynamic that's become one-sided or unsafe. Because the moment you choose self-respect over self-sacrifice, the grip of control weakens and you begin to live a life on your own terms. The way out of psychological control isn't aggression — it's clarity. It's noticing the beliefs that quietly govern your behavior and asking: 'Is this true? Is this mine?' Do you often experience a lack of control in your relationship? Take the science-backed Relationship Control Scale to find out.
Yahoo
25-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
"This Screams Entitlement": Teachers Are Revealing Parenting "Red Flags" They Notice Right Away When Meeting A Parent Or A Kid For The First Time
Teachers meet a lot of kids and parents throughout their profession, so it makes a lot of sense that they can pick up on little behaviors and habits that may indicate something deeper is going on. So when we asked the BuzzFeed Community, "What are the automatic tell-tale signs that a parent or kid's behavior exhibits 'red flags' parenting styles?" so many teachers submitted their answers below: 1."One of the hardest parts of being a teacher is watching students get pushed into honors or AP classes they're not ready for, all because of pressure from their families or cultural expectations. I see students who would absolutely thrive in regular classes — earning A's, building confidence, and truly learning — get overloaded with three or four APs just for the weighted GPA or to meet a cultural standard of success, like getting into a school such as Rutgers. It's not that these students aren't capable or hardworking — they are — but they end up floundering under the weight of unrealistic expectations, and sometimes, they start to believe they're not good enough. It's heartbreaking to watch because if they were in the right academic setting, they'd be shining." —Anonymous, 36, Central New Jersey 2."For me, it's definitely when the first conversation revolves around how bad/disappointing/unsupportive their previous schools were, especially when you have a family that's moved schools a lot for no logical reason. They're always going to find fault with you, and it's never going to be their child's own issues or failures. I just try to be overly communicative so they know I'm on their side and want their child to succeed!" —Anonymous, 39, Colorado 3."Most of the time, I don't see a red flag with kids right off. I teach high school. Kids are pretty good at behaving at the beginning when they get to me. But my parent night is usually about two weeks in, and though it's poorly attended (one or two kids represented in each class of 30), when a parent attends and then spends the entire time talking about themselves, I know that kid might have issues. The kids of these parents tend to either act out or never participate and try to hide themselves away. It's sad." —bethechangeyouwanttosee 4."When the parents are well kept up, nice clothes, new mani/pedi, all the latest tech, and their student is in unkept clothes, smells, arrives dirty, asks for food/snacks, etc." —Anonymous, 43, Kansas 5."If their kid can do no wrong. Look, children require boundaries and high expectations. Inevitably, when they don't meet them because, ya know, they're kids, that's a coaching opportunity, not a moment to chide the rest of the world because your child is perfect. Learn this as a parent and your kid will be much more well-rounded. I always cringe when I have a convo with a parent who thinks their child is always right. Yikes." —Anonymous, 37, Denver, Colorado 6."When a student is helpful in a way that anticipates my needs, and they are overly responsible for their age. I worry that they are being parentified and/or live with at least one narcissistic parent/guardian." —Anonymous, 39, Chicago 7."When I was teaching and then again as an elementary principal, there were times that I would bring parents in to talk about a student's misbehavior. The parent would listen, then say they had talked to the student about the incident and denied everything. 'My son (or daughter) doesn't lie to me, so I know it's true.' I would think to myself that I now had a better understanding of the home dynamics and maybe understand better why behavior is what it is." —Anonymous, 71 8."When the parent always blames their spouse, divorced or not. This leads to the student not taking responsibility for his or her actions, as this behavior is picked up." —Anonymous, 25, NJ 9."There may be trouble in a home if a parent is not helping their child get to school and is letting them go without showering or brushing their teeth. Seeing those things gives me concern, and not even in a judgmental way, more like a 'how can I help' sort of way. I always make contact with the home immediately, either by calling or emailing, to set up a time to meet. I've had only two mandated report situations come from this. Most of the time, it's a single parent who is overwhelmed, or is working multiple jobs, and not with their child in the morning. If teachers can approach these things with a team mindset, then usually, the parent opens up, and we can work together the fix the problem. I frequently say that there are very few parents who simply do not care about their child, but a lot of parents who are overwhelmed to the point of inability to care for themselves and their child. It's sad!" —Led_Tasso93 "Attendance, I can understand, and hygiene, but do keep in mind that a lot of children who are not neurotypical don't like bathing or changing out of clothes. My one son is like this, and it's because he hates his face and head getting wet. So he only gets a bath every three to four days. And the same with clothing. He wants to wear the same Mickey shirt for as long as I would allow. Usually, I'll let him wear it for three days if it's not super dirty. It's not that we don't care about our kids. In fact, it's the opposite. We care about them a lot that we know what makes them happy and comfortable and are also very overwhelmed that sometimes we let things go because it just makes life easier for everyone and unless it's super dirty, ratty or full of holes, what's the big deal about a shirt being worn three times or so in a row. Does he have maybe two or every shirt if I can afford it, so when we wear it the same every day to an activity we are involved in, we can hopefully prevent someone from contacting CPS." —toomanykidsnotenoughtime 10."You can tell a wild amount by how a child behaves in the classroom. The biggest thing I've noticed over the last 11 years of teaching is how kids don't seem to know how to have a conversation. They yell over other people, interrupt, can't follow a thread to its logical conclusion, and their vocabulary is mostly brain rot and foul language. These kids are not being spoken to at home. Nobody asks them about their day. They don't have regular interactions with people where they have to take turns. This has become increasingly common (bearing in mind, I teach middle school). I know which kids are iPad-raised and only talk online and which are not based on how they behave in a conversation." —Anonymous, 34, California 11."When their child is running around, into objects, or throwing toys around, and no attempt by the parent is made to get them to calm down or clean up. Immediate flag for me. It is usually an indicator of passive parenting (also referred to as "permissive parenting"), although a lot of these parents think they're 'gentle parenting.' There's a huge difference, and it directly impacts your child's self-control, sense of boundaries, and ability to socialize productively as they get older." —Anonymous, 32, Montana 12."They consistently refer to them as 'my child' and not by their name. The majority of the time, that kid has no boundaries and nothing is ever their fault." —chillkid73 13."If a parent is doing everything for their child and not letting their child do anything on their own, there will probably be problems. Their kids will either be lazy or super needy because of it. If a parent constantly brags about their child, there is a good chance their kid is going to exhibit awful behavior because their kid knows they can get away with anything at home." —Anonymous, 26, Illinois Chicago 14."You'll also see the kids who can't follow the school rules being dropped off in locations where they're not supposed to be dropped off: at the bus stop, the staff parking lot, loading zones, handicapped spots. If you don't follow the rules as a parent, neither will your kid(s)." —edgycat84 15."When students tell me stuff like, 'I got mad and threw my controller at my TV AGAIN, but it's okay because my parents bought me a new one.' This screams entitlement, and tells me that the parent would rather give in to their child's ridiculous behavior than to do anything to curtail it or provide (or uphold) any sort of disciplinary actions." —Anonymous, 39, Central Illinois 16."If a parent is on their phone or really just not paying attention during a meeting, that can show that they might be neglectful of their child's needs at times." —Anonymous, 31, Bloomington, Illinois. 17."I'm an 8th-grade math teacher. I had a student three years ago who, whenever we'd give an assignment, would walk out of class. Before giving write-ups for leaving without permission, my co-teacher and I attempted to talk to her to find out what the issue was, because surely, maybe she was intimidated by the work, or had anxiety about the class. No, it turns out she flat out 'wasn't feeling it.' After speaking with her other teachers, she did this in every class. Never did one assignment and would text her mom under the desk that we were harassing her and then would just walk out." "We called her parents for a meeting along with the administration because there had to be a disconnect. Her parents brought two advocates and a lawyer with them. They said we were handing them the biggest First Amendment case they'd ever seen, because we can't force someone to do something against their will or 'imprison a child' in a classroom to learn something they don't want to. So, the Pythagorean Theorem violates the First Amendment? We were told we were also violating ADA because the teen had anxiety, and by assigning her work on Google Classroom, we were triggering and, therefore, shaming her for her anxiety by assigning a zero for work refusal. I asked what I should do to solve the problem. The mom's answer, 'She's smart. She should have a 100.' I asked how that is fair to the child in the same class who struggles and works hard every day to achieve a 75, but I should give her daughter a 100 for zero work production and refusing to even stay in class? She wasn't asking for even extended time, she wanted ZERO work requirement and NO attendance requirement. I said, 'Yeah, I'm not doing that. And I'll be fired before I give a baseless accommodation.' She failed and went to summer school. There was no court case. I've been teaching for 16 years, and I could write a trilogy of stories from what I've seen and heard." –Anonymous, 37, NYC Teachers, is there a parenting "red flag" you noticed right away when meeting a parent or a kid for the first time? Let us know what it is in the comments or anonymously in the Google Form below.
