26-05-2025
3 Reasons ‘Almost Relationships' Can Hurt More Than Breakups, By A Psychologist
When you meet someone special, the natural inclination is to want your relationship to grow. However, some people never make it past that initial feeling toward more solid ground as a couple.
The two of you might share an intimate bond that is never given a name but carries unmistakable emotional weight. There's no label, no clear agreement, yet every interaction feels charged with meaning. You not only share an unspoken understanding but also emotional space that feels significant, even if it's never acknowledged out loud.
To others, you may appear close, maybe even best friends. But you know it's more than that. Their words, whether kind or hurtful, seem to carry more weight than they should. You read into everything because it all seems to matter.
When such a relationship dissolves, the pain can feel disproportionate to what others perceive. You're often left questioning, 'It wasn't even real, so why does this hurt so much?'
Here are three reasons why the end of an 'almost' relationship can hurt just as much as a real breakup, if not more.
In 'almost' relationships, the other person gradually becomes part of your daily rhythm. You may not notice it happening until they're everywhere. Perhaps you talk to them in detail about your day or reach for your phone to tell them when something funny happens. There's a comfort in how they show up consistently, like they belong in your life.
And before you realize it, you're not just enjoying the connection, but building a mental version of the two of you that could work. For instance, you might picture the kind of partner they'd be if only the timing were right.
Unfortunately, such projections of the future often aren't based on who they've shown us they are, but who we hope they could be to us.
A 2011 review published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review explored the role of idealization in close bonds, including how it can backfire when reality fails to match expectations. The authors suggest that the more we idealize someone, especially in emotionally intimate contexts, the more likely we are to experience disillusionment when that ideal remains unmet.
In 'almost' relationships, especially with close friends, this dynamic plays out powerfully. You build a version of them in your mind — who they could be, what you might become together, the neat little routines, dates and trips that could follow.
But when that future dissolves, you're not just grieving a friend. You're grieving the imagined relationship you constructed out of every tender moment, long conversation and every 'what if.'
The loss feels sharp, not because something ended, but because something almost began.
One of the most destabilizing aspects of 'almost' relationships is the absence of closure. The connection doesn't end in a dramatic rupture but likely with an ambiguous withdrawal — ghosting, fading or a polite but unexplained exit.
There's no clear breakup because there was never a relationship to begin with. Yet, the longing for resolution persists. You may find yourself searching for an ending to something that, technically, never really began.
A 2018 study published in Contemporary Family Therapy delved into the concept of ambiguous loss in the context of singlehood. Researchers explored how individuals may grieve for a romantic partner who never truly existed — someone psychologically present, but physically absent. This form of loss is particularly insidious because it creates a state of emotional ambivalence where you're caught between holding on to hope and trying to let go.
This mechanism can also be found in 'almost' relationships. You mourn the loss of something that never fully materialized, but felt real enough to anchor your hopes of connection.
It's important to recognize that while you weren't 'together' in the traditional sense, what you felt was genuine. The emotional reality of your experience is valid, even if it was invisible to the outside world. You are allowed to grieve the version of love that existed uniquely between the two of you.
There's no need to rush through this pain or to minimize it in the hope of appearing 'fine' on the outside. You are allowed to feel the ache and to sit with the discomfort instead of pretending it wasn't real for you.
Some people never really get the chance to disappoint us. That's part of what makes 'almost' relationships so hard to walk away from. You weren't close enough for the cracks to show. Perhaps you never argued or had to navigate the hard parts of staying connected. And so, they stayed perfect in your mind, untouched by real-life friction.
When you don't have enough information about someone, your brain does something predictable: it fills in the gaps. You imagine what they're like when they love someone.
This imagined version becomes hard to let go of because it was never grounded in disappointment. It was safe and ideal. And when that fantasy collapses, it feels like you've lost something pure. There were no disagreements, no incompatibilities revealed — something that never had the chance to go wrong. And in many ways, that hurts more than the reality ever could have.
A 2025 study published in Sexuality & Culture found that engaging in romantic fantasy — even in the absence of real commitment — can increase feelings of emotional closeness and desire to invest further in a relationship.
However, researchers also noted that these fantasies can heighten anxious attachment, making it harder to accept distance, let go or tolerate uncertainty when the fantasy isn't realized or reciprocated.
So, when you're ready to let go, here are a few things that can help:
Healing from this kind of grief requires being honest with yourself about your emotions. There's no shortcut or lesson to be forced before you're ready.
When you acknowledge the depth of your feelings, you honor a connection that mattered to you, as well as your own capacity to love — and that's something worth celebrating, regardless of the outcome.
Is an almost-relationship still affecting you, just like a breakup? Take this research-backed test to find out: Breakup Distress Scale
