Latest news with #estrangement
Yahoo
5 days ago
- Health
- Yahoo
My mother says she'll disinherit me unless I split with my partner. What should I do?
I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have two small children together. I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother, who was a stern disciplinarian when I was growing up, and is deeply sensitive and lacks social confidence. I too am probably overly sensitive and get anxious. My partner believes that my mother doesn't think she is good enough for me. There have been numerous hints that this is the case, and she recently told me she was surprised when I started a relationship with someone whom she considers to be of 'a different class'. My partner wants nothing to do with my mother and has not spoken to her in a couple of years. I was estranged for around a year and a half after my mother offered to help us through a period of financial difficulty in the early years of having children, but only if I officially separated from my partner and her parents matched the contribution. We recently reconciled, at which point my mother told my father that she would commit suicide if she were held responsible for the estrangement. Most recently my mother has taken the position that she will cut me out of her will if my partner continues her estrangement. I feel my partner should be entitled to do what she wants, and that we should present a united front. I am really struggling with what I see as manipulation at a time when I am trying to do the best for my children, and am considering walking away again. Would that be doing the right thing? Walking away from family is never easy; it's rarely The End. If this relationship were between partners we would categorise it, quite correctly, as coercive and abusive. Yet we often fail to see the very same traits in familial relationships. That said, it's important we remember that your mum's money is hers to do what she wants with and none us are 'due' an inheritance. Unfortunately, as in so many letters I get, your mother is using her money as a way of – very effectively – controlling you. The thing is, this will never end if you give in to her now. It may be fine for a while, but then there will be another thing she wants you to do, and she'll use additional threats to try to get it. If you need money it may be easier, and cost you less in the long run, to borrow it from an institution. If you can detach and see this for what it is – not love, but manipulation – it may help free you I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Joanne Hipplewith to discuss your letter. 'There seems to be a lack of separation in your relationship with your mother, and during times of need this is enacted in unhelpful ways,' she says. 'At times, your mother is unable to take responsibility for her statements and their consequences.' Any threats of suicide should be taken seriously, but in the context you shared you can't be held responsible for her words or her actions. If you've been brought up with a controlling mother (I imagine she's always been like this?), then this probably feels familiar, par for the course. But if you can detach and see this for what it is – not love, but manipulation – it may help free you, because what tethers you is the pull of money and the hope of love (and don't confuse money for love). I'm not saying she doesn't love you, but this behaviour is not loving. Related: My mum won't let me have a smartphone. Is she being unfair? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri Hipplewith also said something very pertinent, which is worth remembering when we grapple for a definitively right path: 'Your decision will be difficult, but even so, it does not mean you have done the wrong thing. In family life, and living, there are no right or wrong decisions. We tend to operate in the grey, and do what is best for us right now and hope the future is better or different.' Easier said than done, but you should resign yourself to getting no money and then decide what you want to do. It would be a strong power move for you and your family to tell your mum she must, of course, do what she wishes with her money but that it won't dictate what you do. Remember, otherwise it won't stop here and there will be other demands. And anyway, there isn't any guarantee of love, or money, at the end of it. You don't need to walk away from your mother, but do walk away from her money. • In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@ or jo@ In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at • Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. • Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
The Guardian
5 days ago
- Health
- The Guardian
My mother says she'll disinherit me unless I split with my partner. What should I do?
I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have two small children together. I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother, who was a stern disciplinarian when I was growing up, and is deeply sensitive and lacks social confidence. I too am probably overly sensitive and get anxious. My partner believes that my mother doesn't think she is good enough for me. There have been numerous hints that this is the case, and she recently told me she was surprised when I started a relationship with someone whom she considers to be of 'a different class'. My partner wants nothing to do with my mother and has not spoken to her in a couple of years. I was estranged for around a year and a half after my mother offered to help us through a period of financial difficulty in the early years of having children, but only if I officially separated from my partner and her parents matched the contribution. We recently reconciled, at which point my mother told my father that she would commit suicide if she were held responsible for the estrangement. Most recently my mother has taken the position that she will cut me out of her will if my partner continues her estrangement. I feel my partner should be entitled to do what she wants, and that we should present a united front. I am really struggling with what I see as manipulation at a time when I am trying to do the best for my children, and am considering walking away again. Would that be doing the right thing? Walking away from family is never easy; it's rarely The End. If this relationship were between partners we would categorise it, quite correctly, as coercive and abusive. Yet we often fail to see the very same traits in familial relationships. That said, it's important we remember that your mum's money is hers to do what she wants with and none us are 'due' an inheritance. Unfortunately, as in so many letters I get, your mother is using her money as a way of – very effectively – controlling you. The thing is, this will never end if you give in to her now. It may be fine for a while, but then there will be another thing she wants you to do, and she'll use additional threats to try to get it. If you need money it may be easier, and cost you less in the long run, to borrow it from an institution. I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Joanne Hipplewith to discuss your letter. 'There seems to be a lack of separation in your relationship with your mother, and during times of need this is enacted in unhelpful ways,' she says. 'At times, your mother is unable to take responsibility for her statements and their consequences.' Any threats of suicide should be taken seriously, but in the context you shared you can't be held responsible for her words or her actions. If you've been brought up with a controlling mother (I imagine she's always been like this?), then this probably feels familiar, par for the course. But if you can detach and see this for what it is – not love, but manipulation – it may help free you, because what tethers you is the pull of money and the hope of love (and don't confuse money for love). I'm not saying she doesn't love you, but this behaviour is not loving. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion Hipplewith also said something very pertinent, which is worth remembering when we grapple for a definitively right path: 'Your decision will be difficult, but even so, it does not mean you have done the wrong thing. In family life, and living, there are no right or wrong decisions. We tend to operate in the grey, and do what is best for us right now and hope the future is better or different.' Easier said than done, but you should resign yourself to getting no money and then decide what you want to do. It would be a strong power move for you and your family to tell your mum she must, of course, do what she wishes with her money but that it won't dictate what you do. Remember, otherwise it won't stop here and there will be other demands. And anyway, there isn't any guarantee of love, or money, at the end of it. You don't need to walk away from your mother, but do walk away from her money. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@ or jo@ In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Daily Mail
28-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
There IS a way back for Harry and Meghan... but it's a hard path: A top psychologist reveals the nine steps they need to take to make up with the royals
Brooklyn Beckham 's romantic message to his wife Nicola, posted on Instagram at the weekend alongside a video of the couple riding a motorbike – 'My whole world x I will love you forever x I always choose you baby x you're the most amazing person I know xx me and you forever baby' – was said to be 'a dagger to the heart' of his parents, David and Victoria. For it seems the estrangement between two diametrically-opposed camps – 'them', David, Victoria and their other children, versus 'us', Brooklyn and Nicola – is gathering pace. Reconciliation, for now at least, is a fairly hopeless prospect.
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Tennis world blown away as Jelena Dokic makes brave move amid 'difficult' time
Tennis fans are showering Jelena Dokic with praise after the Aussie icon made a brave return to work with Channel 9 this week following the death of her father. Dokic revealed last week that estranged father Damir had died at the age of 67. Dokic hadn't spoken to her father for 10 years, and has spoken publicly on numerous occasions about some of the shocking abuse he inflicted on her. The former World No.4 admitted to "conflicting and complex" feelings about Damir's death and said "it's never easy losing a parent and a father, even one you are estranged from." She wrote in a social media post: "As you know my relationship with my father has been difficult and painful with a lot of history. Despite everything and no matter how hard, difficult and in the last 10 years even non existent our relationship and communication was, it is never easy losing a parent and a father even one you are estranged from. "The loss of an estranged parent comes with a difficult and complicated grief. It's an end of a chapter and life as I know it. There are lots of conflicting and complex emotions and feelings for me. "For the end of this chapter, I choose to focus on a good memory like this picture. And as always and especially important to who I am as a person and what I want to stand for which is respect, grace, kindness, dignity and empathy, I will and want to be that person in this situation too." View this post on Instagram A post shared by JELENA DOKIC 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺 (@dokic_jelena) Considering the difficult time she'd be going through, Dokic could be forgiven for shying away from the public spotlight. But she was back at work with Channel 9 on Sunday night, leading the network's coverage of the French Open at Roland Garros. Fans flocked to social media to commend Dokic on the brave move. One person wrote: "Thank God she is BACK." While another commented: "Hope you are going ok working after your recent loss, thinking of you and sending love." View this post on Instagram A post shared by JELENA DOKIC 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺 (@dokic_jelena) It was a mixed night for the Aussies on the second day at Roland Garros, with Ajla Tomljanovic, Alexei Popyrin and Daria Kasatkina winning through. But the Aussie contingent lost Aleksandar Vukic, Chris O'Connell, Daria Saville, Kim Birrell and Jordan Thompson. Tomljanovic turned the tables on compatriot Maya Joint, winning 6-1 6-3 after retiring hurt against Joint on her march to the Morocco Open title last weekend. Asked if she had a point to prove, Tomljanovic explained: "My coach kind of gave me a really good pep talk - 'You've got to get angry, get determined' - and it really worked today. "Maya had been playing so well, I had a few days to think about it and knew if I don't come out this way on the attack, it's going to be really tough. It's just nice to see everything pay off when I play the right way." Kastakina, playing her first grand slam tournament since switching allegiance from Russia in March, got the better of Czech opponent Katerina Siniakova, 6-1 3-6 6-2. And Popyrin ended a run of five-straight opening-round losses at Roland Garros when Yoshihito Nishioka retired hurt while trailing 5-7 4-6 2-1.
BBC News
26-05-2025
- General
- BBC News
Should you ever cut ties with your parents?
Estrangement between parents and their children is surprisingly common – this is what research says about making such a difficult decision. Sarah first cut ties with her mother just days after her 21st birthday. "I was getting really angry," says Sarah, whose name has been changed to protect her identity. She ended the relationship during a furious phone call. The fact that her parents had been too busy to celebrate her birthday was one thing. But there was more than that. Sarah was fed up with her mother's coldness, self-absorption and disinterest in her life. She belittled Sarah's education and constantly pressured her to help out on the family farm. Most of all, Sarah was hurt by her mum's failure to protect her from her controlling and sometimes abusive father. For two or three years, Sarah had no contact with her mother, who also never reached out to Sarah. "It felt quite liberating," recalls Sarah. However, when she eventually decided to move overseas, Sarah didn't want to leave things on a sour note and got back in touch with her parents. They were unrepentant, acting like nothing had happened, she says, and over the next couple of decades, further periods of estrangement followed. Many argue that estrangement from family members is on the rise, but the data to support that is hard to find. It is surprisingly common, according to the data that does exist. And the decision to break up with your own parents is a big one. When, then, is it the right thing to do and is it likely to make us happier, or wiser? Ultimately, what do our parents owe us – and what do we owe them? There's relatively little research on estrangement, says Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and author of No Family is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality. "It's still taboo," she says. "It's quite a scary topic that people don't want to talk about. They think it's just something that happens to other people." One study published in 2022 using data from a survey of more than 8,500 people in the US revealed that 26% of them had periods of estrangement from their father and 6% from their mother during a 24 year period. This included some people who still saw their parents on occasion. A similar study of 10,200 people in Germany found 9% of those who responded had experienced estrangement from their mothers and 20% from their fathers across a 13 year period. In another US survey of 1,340 people detailed in a book published in 2020, sociologist Karl Pillemer of Cornell University says he found that 10% were currently completely estranged from a parent or a child – having no contact at all. But as there is no data following up with people who have been estranged over long periods of time, it is hard to know whether this phenomenon is becoming more common. Some researchers like Pillemer, however, believe it is. "In the generations prior to the baby boomers, there was a very strong norm of family solidarity – that blood is thicker than water. Those norms have weakened," says Pillemer, who argues that this is not necessarily a bad thing. New familial norms, such as non-married partnerships and childless couples have become more acceptable over time, too, he notes. Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist who works with estranged families and who has written several books on the topic, agrees. He adds that rising individualism may also drive estrangement. "The culture of individualism is a preoccupation with one's own self, one's identity, one's own happiness," he argues. "And so our relationships with other people are considered secondary." Studies suggest that older parents in the US are more than twice as likely to have a bad relationship with their children as parents in slightly less individualistic countries such as Israel, Germany and the UK. Coleman argues this is further amplified by social media. It's becoming easier to find your own tribe of like-minded people online, and many influencers encourage us to cut ties with "toxic" people. The increasing use of therapists has also played a role, he argues. And not always for the better – some therapists may, for example, "diagnose" family members with psychiatric conditions without even meeting them, after hearing just one side of the story. This, however, flies in the face of ethical rules in the fields of psychiatry and psychology. Coleman says he's met many adult children who have, following therapy, accused a parent of being toxic, narcissistic or having borderline personality disorder. That doesn't mean that cutting ties is necessarily a bad decision. Many people have very good reasons to do so, particularly those who've suffered childhood abuse, says Pillemer. "There should be no social stigma about it," he says. Coleman adds that the same may be true if your parents are completely unrepentant about their behaviour or refuse to even hear you out. But Pillemer says his research, which included a survey and in-depth interviews with 300 estranged people, found it is often a "build-up of minor negative interactions", such as tensions with in-laws, that leads to someone cutting ties. In a US poll of more than 1,000 people by Coleman, most people cited specific actions taken by family members or general family dynamics as reasons for their estrangement. This is sometimes linked to the aftermath of a divorce, siding with one parent or not liking their new partner. Identity and sexuality can also be key factors, with some parents refusing to accept that their child is gay, for example. Nearly a fifth said political differences were a reason. When Blake surveyed some 800 people in the UK who were estranged from a family member, however, she found that most people cited emotional abuse as a reason. "It's usually about problematic parenting, like really harsh parenting, controlling parenting, authoritarian parenting," she says, but stresses her survey participants were people who had specifically sought support to cope with the estrangement so are not necessarily completely representative of everyone who experiences it. But she says it highlights a commonly overlooked aspect of difficult family relationships. "I don't think anyone has to stay in a relationship in which they don't feel safe," she says. "Often, we think of physical or sexual abuse, but emotional abuse is just as important to talk about." Coleman and Pillemer say emotional abuse is a complex term and one that can be misused. Sometimes an adult child may have a mental illness or substance abuse problem that makes them rewrite their entire childhood history in a way that unfairly casts their supportive parents as abusive villains, says Coleman. But it is important not to disregard the effect that genuine emotional abuse can have on those who experience it. Norms for healthy parenting also change continuously, he adds. What's considered emotionally abusive or neglectful today may not have been considered so in the past. For example, parents today often try to recognise and support their child's mental illness. But 40 years ago, the public's understanding of mental health issues was arguably far more limited than it is today. Clearly, some people feel that cutting ties with their parents is sometimes necessary. But how much do we actually owe them? "I'm torn," says philosopher Christopher Cowley from University College Dublin, when asked hypothetically whether we owe our parents a lifelong relationship. "In one sense, I owe my parents everything in the literal, metaphysical and existential sense. But clearly, if I have survived some awful parental abuse, then presumably that means I have no further duty." An ideal relationship between parent and adult child, he says, would resemble a friendship. When we are children, the power and the responsibility of the relationship lies entirely with our parents. But this changes as we get older. Teenagers often need to blame and criticise their parents in a natural process of distancing, explains Cowley. "But once you become a full adult you cannot blame all your problems on your parents," he argues. And at some point, our parents become very old and vulnerable. Then, he says, we may want to show a bit more patience and mercy. When we judge our own failures, we often blame external circumstances rather than ourselves. If we miss a deadline, for example, we might argue we weren't given enough time or claim that the (proverbial) dog ate our homework. But we're not always as understanding of other people. So, if we want to be fair to our parents, we should consider their external circumstances, too. Could a lack of knowledge, mental illness, trauma or poor finances have contributed to their bad parenting? Pillemer recalls interviewing a mother and her estranged son. They hadn't seen each other for roughly 25 years. Of the mother, he says, "her husband had abandoned her in the early 1960s, and there were few options for women. So she remarried a guy who wasn't great but not abusive," he adds. "The son resented her for it, but she felt that her family needed protection, which he eventually came to have some understanding for." Coleman, meanwhile, says that he sometimes encounters an adult child of a single mother who raised them without any paternal support. "And the kid says, 'You were gone too much at work and I felt neglected'," says Coleman. "And on the one hand, the parent should have empathy with that. But the kid should also have empathy that they worked two jobs to raise them." Trying to understand our parents' behaviour may give us peace of mind. It may make us realise that not all of it was wicked or intentional, which could take some of the pain away. That doesn't mean we have to forgive them, or even have a relationship with them. But by gaining clarity, we may neutralise the sinister power of the murky past. Thinking this way may also remove some of the pressure from us if we, too, become parents. Cowley suggests we keep in mind the lifelong psychological effects of estrangement before we cut someone out of our lives. Would it still feel right if the parent died? "You can't control what you're haunted by," he argues. For some people, it may be better to keep some lines of communication open as that at least leaves open the possibility of a further conversation. Should we cut ties indefinitely, we may spend the rest of our lives struggling to understand what happened. Finally, you may want to use a tactic put forward in the Bible, and also by the philosopher Emmanuel Kant: to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. Imagine yourself in the future, says Cowley. How would you feel if your adult child suddenly turned around and said your parenting was poor, based on their modern standards? It's easy to think we'll never make the same mistake our parents did, says Pillemer, "but we'll make other mistakes". A final thing to consider: are your memories of childhood entirely accurate? The human memory is fallible, and we often misremember things or make up entirely false memories, especially as adults. This can help us remove clashing narratives about ourselves. Say, for example, that you considered yourself an extrovert. Your memories may be full of people and the social events that you have enjoyed. If you later decide you are an introvert, however, your memories might change – you'll remember more strongly the times you were alone or felt uncomfortable in social situations. The same can be true for memories of our parents – as well as their memories of us. This might be one reason why some opt for estrangement. Coleman says many people find it stressful to have ambivalent or conflicting memories about their parents. By cutting ties, those people realise they no longer need to feel that way – they embrace the bad and erase the good. Perhaps the most important question, however, is whether cutting ties will actually make us happy. For many people, it does. "Surveys show that adult children often say that they feel happier and less stressed out as a result," says Coleman. "They feel like it was a good decision, whatever shame or guilt they feel. Whereas for the parents it's the opposite. It's all heartbreak, sadness and confusion." But in other cases, the severing of that relationship creates its own problems. "Estrangement can be so isolating," says Blake, who has found that many adult estranged children struggle, especially during holidays when families traditionally spend a lot of time together. So, if you are serious about cutting ties with your parents, prepare by ensuring you have a support network around you, she advises. More like this:• The truth about family estrangement• A smart guide to taking control of your emotions• How yoga can rewire your brain In Pillemer's research, only about a quarter of people weren't bothered by their estrangement. He says it was rather common for people to start the interview by saying they were happy with their decision, but later on admit they felt sad and that things were unresolved. Many also feared regretting their decision."When estranging, I am cutting off the branch I'm sitting on," explains Cowley. "I think it harms the adult child to lose touch with where they come from." Cowley, Pillemer and Coleman all say that, if you really can't stand having a relationship with your parents, you should start by distancing yourself for a limited period. "I'm dealing with heartbroken parents every day who have been estranged for years and they feel suicidal," says Coleman, who recommends that adult children who opt for estrangement check back in with their parents after a year. "Sometimes, that time is enough to wake up a parent." Because parents often invest more time, money and effort in the relationship, estrangement is a bigger deal for them, meaning they typically need make the effort to fix the relationship. Reconciliation is possible. The 2022 study of 8,500 people in the US estimated that 62% of people who were estranged from their mothers and 44% who were estranged from their fathers reconciled, at least for some time over a 10 year period. That's what happened to Sarah, who currently has some limited contact with her mother. She is getting old, says Sarah, and "had a quite tough life", with periods of significant mental illness. "I feel a little sorry for her," Sarah says. Parents don't owe their children a perfect childhood. And children don't owe their parents eternal gratitude. Perhaps what they do owe each other, though, is empathy, self-reflection and a willingness to listen. -- For more science, technology, environment and health stories from the BBC, follow us on Facebook, X and Instagram.
