28-05-2025
I had great sex with my husband but I left him for another woman: Straight women tell TRACEY COX why they ditched men in midlife - but claim they're NOT lesbians
Women initiate most divorces in straight relationships (69 per cent) – and some of those are doing it to form a relationship with another woman, rather than a man.
The percentage of UK and US adults identifying as 'non-heterosexual' has more than doubled since 2012.
Generation Z (aged 13-28) have the highest rate of bisexual identification recorded for any previous generation: a whopping 20 per cent. For millennial women (aged 29-44) it's 9 per cent.
Women leaving men for other women is more common than you think. But why?
Are women happier with other women than they are with men? Is it easier for a man to accept when his wife leaves him for another woman rather than a man? Or harder?
It's not 'just a phase'
Here's what we know so far: women who switch from male to female partners after the age of 30 on tend to stay with women for the rest of their lives.
One reason why is women create more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) than men, so two women together are more powerfully bonded than a man and woman.
Women also bond over things that are less likely to change over time – personality, perceptiveness, kindness and emotional connection – more so than looks and sex.
Though make no mistake – lesbians have consistently topped the list for the most satisfied in bed for most studies and research I have seen over the last few decades. There is no orgasm gap with woman-on-woman sex.
Sex isn't usually the motivating force behind straight women who decide to leave men for another woman. But it's certainly part of it.
Here are the personal stories of two women who switched genders for partners – and are happier for it.
'MY HUSBAND WORRIED EVERYONE THOUGHT HE WASN'T SATISFYING ME SEXUALLY'
Nikki, 36, was straight and happily married when she met Anna through a friend.
'I met my husband when I was 19. We met at university and had 15 happy years together. I wasn't unhappy and I certainly had never felt any romantic or sexual interest in another woman. But I did feel unsatisfied on an intellectual and emotional level.
'My husband lives life in the moment and on the surface – which is probably why he was one of the happiest people I've ever met. I was always looking deeper and wanting to tackle life's big questions. I read a lot but longed for someone to debate with. My friends have children and are more interested in talking about parenting than politics or psychology.
'I met Anna through a mutual friend at a party. We started talking and instantly clicked. Intellectually, I was like, "Wow! This woman thinks exactly like me!" I was excited to make a new friend, and my husband was excited for me.
'I suspected she was gay and was right but that didn't mean anything: I have lots of lesbian friends. We met for coffee, then walks, then dinners out. My husband joked, "Should I be jealous? You spend so much time with her!" and I laughed along with him.
'Then things started to subtly shift. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I talked about her all the time. My lesbian friends teased me about having a crush. She was good-looking – men used to say, "what a waste!" when they found out she was gay.
'I found myself wanting to be physically close to her, the feeling of "I wish I looked that good" shifted to "I find her really attractive". I felt confused but also happier than I had ever been.
'I knew I'd fallen in love with her but was so intoxicated, I didn't question it. I didn't want to ruin the feeling by wondering if she felt the same and what that meant for my marriage. I guess I thought it would pass. It didn't.
'One day I leant over and kissed her. I couldn't help it. She kissed me back, then pulled back and said, "about time" and nothing has ever felt so right in my life.
'Then came the awful part – telling my husband I was leaving him. He was confused and shocked and refused to believe it at first. He kept saying, "but you're straight not gay". And I am. I still don't consider myself a lesbian. I fell in love with a person not a gender. Women get that, men don't understand.
'I think my husband was embarrassed. He felt that it reflected on him sexually: that he wasn't satisfying me or something. That wasn't true. We'd had great sex. Sex with Anna is also good but it's like comparing apples and oranges.
'I enjoyed both. What is infinitely better though is the intimacy. We talk for hours about so many things. I feel intellectually stimulated and emotionally understood like never before.
'Sex is totally different with a woman. Women have soft bodies, men's are hard. Sex is gentler and there's a lot more non-sexual touching and caressing. A woman's tongue is smaller than a man's, but it feels better because she knows what to do.
'Men lick too hard and never for long enough and are always checking to see if you've "come yet". Women know it takes time, so settle in and don't put the pressure on.
'We've only been together a year, but I want this to last for the rest of my life.'
'IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT, I'LL BE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN NOT ANOTHER MAN'
Reese, 40, left an unhappy marriage for another woman and has never looked back.
'My early relationships with men weren't great. I never enjoyed the sex and have never had an orgasm with a man. I married because I wanted children and picked the best out of a bad bunch to do it with. I come from a tiny village in England. No-one was gay and it didn't occur to me that I might be.
'We moved to Bristol after marriage and I had children. When the girls were in their early teens, I changed jobs and made friends with a colleague who was a feminist activist.
'She was funny and entertaining and like no-one I had ever met before. I loved hearing about her dating and sex stories with other women… until I didn't. I started to get jealous of the women and wish it was me.
'That was when I knew. It took another six months before I plucked up the courage to tell my husband and kids. My daughters were incredibly supportive. They came to live with me and are happy because I am happy.
'My husband was upset but we didn't have a great relationship and it was obvious to everyone that we didn't. His upset was more about appearance and pride. We co-parent better than we did marriage.
'There's a lot of noise about late-onset lesbianism and I read a lot about women who look back and say the signs were there all along. I'm not sure that's true for me. I had crushes on girls at school, but everyone did. I don't hate men, and I certainly don't love all women just because I'm now with one.
'But if things don't work out, I certainly will be looking for another woman not another man. It's so much easier being with someone the same sex as you. Less explaining and much better sex. The first time I had sex with her, I suddenly got what all the fuss was about.'
Tracey's podcast, SexTok, comes out every Wednesday. Her latest book, Great Sex Starts at 40, is available wherever you buy your books. Visit for details.
'It's worse because it's so confusing. One minute she's my loving wife, next she's not. She said it was like a freight train that neither of them could stop. We have three boys; the other woman has four kids. They blew up their lives to be together. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. How powerful must a woman-on-woman attraction be for her to want to throw absolutely everything away for this?'
'It would be easier on one level. It wouldn't feel like cheating if she did it with the same gender. Like, how could I compete with that? But my second thought would be, what did I get wrong? Did I not satisfy her or fulfil her needs? What is she getting from a woman that I couldn't give her?'
'My wife left me for another woman when she was 28 and I was 27. She left me and our two kids after one week of meeting this woman: I loved her for seven years. She was my best friend and now talking to her feels like talking to a stranger. It was far, far worse than her leaving me for another man. Leaving for a woman means the whole thing has been a lie.'
'I'd find it easier because it's not something I could compete with. If someone's gay, they're gay. If it was another man, I'd be thinking he's better-looking, richer, more intelligent, better in bed than me. If it's another woman, there's nothing you can do. I can't turn myself into a woman, can I?'
