2 days ago
2 Ways To Rewrite Your Relationship Dynamics, By A Psychologist
Does your relationship feel stuck in a loop, where you've tried everything to fix certain issues, yet they keep resurfacing?
If this sounds familiar, you might need to change where you're doing the 'fixing.' Your focus might be on the surface issues, which are merely the byproducts of deeper patterns that control your relationship dynamics.
Many relationship patterns you may decide to start working on, like communicating better, spending more time together or setting boundaries, aren't necessarily where the work starts.
The more insidious patterns may stem from the roles you and your partner may have slipped into over time. These can look like the moments you hold back, overextend or wait for the version of them you hope will show up.
Rewriting your relationship simply means becoming aware of the invisible patterns shaping your connection and making the conscious choice to show up differently. The point here is to slowly change the unsaid script that runs your relationship by taking responsibility for your part in the pattern from a place of clarity.
Here are two ways to rewrite your relationship dynamics to change the way you engage in the connection.
In some relationships, the dynamic dictates that you're not attached to the person, but the emotional experience they evoke for you. You may be addicted to emotional states like chaos, rejection, control or longing. Emotional patterns that feel like 'home' because of the familiarity, despite the pain.
In classic research published in The Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, the authors conducted a conceptual and clinical review, combining key psychodynamic theories to develop a framework for understanding trauma reenactments.
Research highlights that individuals who have experienced trauma often unconsciously 'reenact' aspects of their past, not out of choice, but as a psychological pattern driven by unmet emotional needs or unresolved pain. These reenactments are categorized into four broad types:
This framework can offer insight into why you may unknowingly place yourself in roles or dynamics that echo your original trauma.
For instance, someone who grew up neglected may continually find themselves in one-sided relationships, not because they want to suffer, but because that dynamic feels familiar to them or 'normal' to their nervous system.
This shows that love, comfort and dysfunction often intertwine, making these patterns hard to spot. But here are a few ways you can begin untangling them:
1. Recognize the emotional roles you both repetitively play. One of you may become the 'fixer,' and the other the 'distancer,' for instance. Even arguments can start feeling repetitive as you play out the same dynamic each time. You can ask each other, 'Are we truly addressing the issue at hand, or are we caught in a cycle that's older than the problem itself?'
2. Recognize what you feel when things are calm. When things are calm, if you feel restless or disconnected, it may indicate unresolved issues. Ask yourself, 'Do I crave intensity to feel close, and does calm feel like something's missing?'
3. Recognize when small things trigger big reactions. A disproportionate reaction to an insignificant situation often reveals deeper insecurities or past wounds that get activated, rather the current situation.
4. Recognize if the relationship is thriving on uncertainty rather than stability. If emotional distance or unpredictability makes you feel more alive or invested, you need to understand that your attachment might be rooted in dysfunction. Together, ask each other, 'What does closeness mean for us — ease and emotional availability, or tension and chase?'
5. Recognize if you are bonded over pain or values. Being 'seen' through trauma can create a bond, but struggling to move beyond it may mean the relationship is stuck in old patterns.
Ask each other, 'Are we here out of love and conscious choice, or just comfort in what we've survived together?'
You might not immediately understand what's going on when you reflect, because deeper patterns are often difficult to spot. You may even need to seek professional support to work through them, which is completely normal.
But recognizing these patterns is the first step in undoing dynamics that may be quietly dominating much of your relationship. That said, this change cannot come from just one of you. It needs willingness and awareness from both partners.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. What matters more is how you and your partner handle it together. Each person has their own way of managing conflict, so you both must take the time to reflect on your own approaches.
People usually view conflict from their own perspective, which that shapes how they respond to it. Interestingly, research also shows that the way you manage your emotions during conflict can change both your memory of what happened and your emotional experience.
The study investigated two common ways of managing emotions during conflicts.
Here's what the results suggested:
The researchers also highlight that the difference in memory wasn't due to how much was said (conversation length) or how participants felt before the conversation started. The effects were specific to the individuals practicing these strategies, meaning each person's emotion regulation style influenced their memory.
This matters because sound memories of relationship conflicts and discussions are important, as it helps both partners understand each other's perspectives and work through problems effectively.
If suppression clouds the memory of what was said, conflicts may feel unresolved or more emotionally charged, which makes it harder to communicate and heal.
To rewrite your relationship dynamic, it's essential to become aware of your emotional habits during conflict and make conscious efforts to move toward healthier approaches as a couple.
Based on the research findings, here are some practical ways to better manage your emotions during conflict to enhance healthier communication in your relationship:
Remember that the goal isn't to avoid conflicts but to come out of them feeling more understood, rather than more distant. Emotional awareness is what turns breakdowns into breakthroughs.
Rewriting your relationship dynamic is less about quick fixes and more about slow and intentional shifts. Often, this deeper work brings up patterns that may be hard to untangle alone and that's where therapy, individually or as a couple, can become a powerful tool. Sometimes, growth means asking for support, so you don't keep carrying what was never yours to hold in the first place.
Are you aware of how your conflict style impacts your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory
