13 hours ago
Table Manners And Etiquette Are Quite Different - Here's How
These days, the words "etiquette" and "manners" are used more or less interchangeably. Maybe etiquette is seen as a fancier set of manners -- the kind of fork-crossing, tea-stirring social cues you should learn lest you embarrass yourself in high society -- but for most people, they're seen as two words that mean "polite behavior." But in truth, these two words have distinct definitions: etiquette refers to the rules of social behavior, while manners refer to the way we abide by those rules.
The foundations of etiquette, as Emily Post herself will remind you, are to be honest, respectful, and considerate. When you ask someone to pass you the salt at the dinner table, you're not making a request any reasonable person will say no to, but you ask all the same. Why? Because you're considerate of the fact that you're sitting at the dinner table as equals, and that it's not your place to issue an order. To do otherwise would be disrespectful -- so you say please, even if you aren't actually sitting at the table as equals. (King Charles III would probably say please if he asked you to pass the salt, wouldn't he?) Saying "please pass the salt" is the manner, while the ethos of respect and consideration that prompts it is etiquette.
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This difference explains why some of the classic examples of etiquette you see in movies may seem bewildering to the modern eye. Does it really matter if you use your salad fork to eat the main course? Is it really such a travesty if you don't put your fork and knife in the proper position when you've finished eating? If you rest your elbows on the table when you eat, are you no better than swine in the eyes of society? The answer to these questions, of course, is no, because we don't live in an Edith Wharton novel. But these manners reflected the way different eras interpreted the code of etiquette.
The rule against elbows on the table originated in medieval times, when people ate together at large rectangular tables and a pair of elbows in the wrong place could knock over a few goblets. The rules concerning cutlery communication came about as a way to let the servers know the status of your meal without interrupting your conversation with the other diners. And the array of different forks was nothing but a way of signifying social status. Nowadays, these rules may be less important in most settings while others, like ordering on-menu whenever possible or avoiding stacking your plates to make things easier on your waiter, become more important. But the etiquette -- the reasoning behind these rules -- remains the same.
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