18 hours ago
My wife drank too much and ended up cheating on me with a mate on night out
DEAR DEIDRE: A STUPID row over a night out triggered the disintegration of my marriage – my wife drank too much and ended up cheating on me with a man at a party.
I threw her out but I'd have her back in a heartbeat.
I'm 34, my wife is 31, we've been married for four years and have a three-year-old daughter.
I'm a roofer and because my job is physical, I'm often feeling wiped out by 9pm on a Friday.
The Friday in question was no exception. We had been invited to an engagement party but I didn't want to go. I was shattered.
My wife was already in a sexy dress and her hair was up. She looked gorgeous and there's nothing I'd have liked more than a snuggle on the sofa.
But she was determined to party and after we rowed about it she stormed out in a strop, leaving me to cancel the babysitter.
She came home looking dishevelled and drunk. I was cross and worried, until she burst into tears and told me that a man at the party had come on to her.
She had been drinking cocktails and admitted that she had felt out of control. She went outside with him and they had sex at the back of the party venue.
I was horrified and felt sick when she told me. I told her to leave. She went sobbing into our daughter's room and, by the time I woke up, they had both gone.
I've been lonely and even felt suicidal but the thought of my little girl's face melts my heart. The house feels so empty. All I want is an apology — and my family back.
Don't let your family life slip through your fingers. She sounds remorseful.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
Arrange to meet when you are feeling calm and tell her how much she has hurt you and how much an apology would mean to you.
Cheating is a huge betrayal but, if you both want this to work, your relationship can recover.
I hear from many couples who survive cheating because they then build something new.
Start sentences with 'I', rather than 'you' to express your feelings – and try to look at the future and the changes you both need to make rather than dwelling on what's happened.
My support pack called Cheating – Can You Get Over It? is packed full of further advice that may help.
DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE just given the last of my savings to my boyfriend, bailing him out once again.
I didn't have much – just under £1,000 – but he has a gambling habit and he needs to settle his debts.
I feel like a fool because although he promises to pay me back he never does.
He just worms his way into my good books and then asks if I can lend him more money.
I'm 23 and work as a teaching assistant, so I don't earn a lot. But my parents instilled in me that I should save a bit for a rainy day. Now it has all gone.
My boyfriend works in a pub kitchen at night. He's 25 and has a lot of time on his hands during the day.
I hardly see him, really, but don't want this relationship to end.
DEIDRE SAYS: He is taking advantage of you but, at the same time, you are helping him to feed his habit by giving him your hard-earned money. What would happen if you just said no?
There are alarm bells ringing for me. If he loves you and really wants to change, you can encourage him to get support through Gamcare, which helps with betting addictions ( 0808 8020 133).
If you refuse him more money and he ends your relationship, you'll know he wasn't genuine.
My support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, will help you move on.
WAS IT MY FAULT MY PARENTS SPLIT UP?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY dad is back in the country after 12 years away and I want to confront him about why he abandoned me.
He left our mum years ago. I'm a man of 19 and my brother is 22. My father stayed in touch with my brother and I remember them going out together on outings – but never me.
He'd send my brother Christmas and birthday cards, but never me.
He told my brother it was because I was so young at the time and I used to cry because I was away from my mother. Now I'm older, I realise that my brother was probably his favourite.
He emigrated when my brother was ten and I was seven. My brother still has money put in his bank account by Dad for birthdays, but I get nothing. I feel cut off from him.
Was the family break-up my fault? I need to know the truth.
DEIDRE SAYS: No, it was not and I can categorically say that. A child is never the reason why their parents break up.
You're an adult now, so in the first instance talk to your mother. She may be able to shed some light on why your dad paid you little attention as a child and also now.
If you still want to then face your father, having some insight will help. Contact The Mix ( 0808 808 4994) which has a free helpline for young people.
HUBBY FURIOUS I RUMBLED FLING
DEAR DEIDRE: I FOUND the courage to call my husband's lover after finding explicit messages on his phone.
We've been married for ten years and have a girl and a boy. I'm 36 and my husband is 34. Since my difficult birth with our son our sex life has fallen off a cliff but it was OK before that.
I never thought he would cheat, but he started buying new clothes and going out in the evening 'to see a mate', stinking of aftershave and looking as if he was going on the pull.
His cousin is a beautician and, because I wanted my nails done, I took his phone to find her number. What I saw were hundreds of messages to numerous other women. Some were explicit, saying what he wanted to do with them.
I was angry so I rang one recurring number to find out the truth. Surprisingly, she was lovely. I think he'd pulled the wool over her eyes, too.
She apologised, admitting that they'd been having sex for a year. She didn't know he was married and told me he'd asked for a threesome with her best friend, which was happening in two weeks' time.
When I confronted him he raged at me, saying if anyone had spoiled our relationship, it was me – for snooping! I'm distraught but he claims if I hadn't looked at his phone, I wouldn't be upset.
Don't let him get away with it. Insist he talks to you about where you go from here.
If he's checked out of the relationship, you need to know. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, will show you where you can find emotional support.
If he decides to go to sessions with you, that will help you to have a better understanding.
