Latest news with #selfcriticism
The Guardian
28-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Every time I meet someone new, I worry they'll find my scarred face hideous
Hi Ugly, I just turned 25. My long-term partner and I broke up recently, and I've been going on dates. My problem is I hate my skin. I have large pores, acne scarring, chicken pox scarring. Every time I meet someone new, I feel scared that they will find me hideous and think I catfished them. I've also been zooming in on pictures of my skin and looking at it in different lighting, which is worsening my insecurity. Rationally, I know men probably won't mind, because my previous partner – who had perfect skin! – still found me beautiful. And nobody I've gone on a date with has seemed to care so far. But I still criticize myself for it over and over again. How do I get over this? – Not A Catfish Back when I was on the apps, I'd upload slightly unflattering photos of myself: an up-close, no-makeup selfie; a wide shot in a muumuu the size of a small circus tent. I wanted to meet men who weren't primarily interested in looks. Bonus: in person, I exceeded all expectations! I've found love two, maybe even three times this way – the last one stuck – despite the fact that my skin, like yours, is marked by acne scars, visible pores and a smattering of old chicken pox pits (plus the burgeoning wrinkles of a woman 10 years your senior). I call this the Inverse Catfish Method. If it seems like I have a neurotic need to diminish myself first before a man does it, well … guilty as charged. After reading your question, Not A Catfish, I'd say we have this in common. How did we end up this way? Aside from, you know, living under patriarchy, internalizing the male gaze and unconsciously inhaling the lessons of beauty culture like so much secondhand smoke. For me, it was my ex-husband. A few months after we got married, he started making comments about my skin: suggesting I wear more makeup, telling me to 'go on medication already' when I broke out. This charming new habit coincided with his decision to join Donald Trump's mailing list and purchase a pack of 'Make America Great Again' plastic straws as a 'joke' to rile me up. Coincidence? I wonder if something similar is contributing to your insecurity. You're wading into the dating pool when the most powerful men in the world – and Kid Rock – are arguing that women exist to serve men; that our faces should be optimized for beauty, our bodies optimized for breeding. And it's working! Data shows gen Z men are embracing regressive gender roles and leaning right. The resulting dating scene is reportedly in a sorry state. There is a possibility that some men are looking for a barely sentient Stepford wife with skin like glass, like a screen, like an inanimate object under their thumbs. But there are also many men who want a real, live, regular partner. On subway seats, in coffee shops, across candlelit tables, I see people with scars and spots and dark under-eye circles being held and kissed and loved like it's the most natural thing in the world. Because it is! You don't have to fix a single thing about your face to find that. It strikes me that becoming obsessed with your skin started with a change in your romantic life. In Love: A New Understanding of an Ancient Emotion, philosopher Simon May writes that the loved one can give us something essential we can't generate alone, like the feeling of being truly understood or 'safety from a paralyzing source of insecurity'. Love 'empowers us by intensifying our sense of existence and also humbles us by bringing to light our ontological smallness', he says. It expands our world and puts the little things, like acne scars, in proportion. But when love is lost, it shrinks the world – to the size of a pore, perhaps. It may 'tear us from the familiar moorings of an 'attachment' or undermine our self-esteem', according to May, leaving us 'less able to be present' and scrambling to prove we still exist. We reach for something, anything, to anchor us. Cue: hyperfixation on your face. Which makes sense! Skin is solid. It senses the outside world and confirms you're in it and of it. It's also the focus of countless beauty industry ads that claim attaining clear, poreless perfection will finally make you the real you, the 'best version of you'. Sometimes, they even frame skincare as a replacement for love. See Cutocin, a brand that markets its Social Exchange Serum as an alternative to the oxytocin-releasing effects of, well, social exchange. Sign up to Well Actually Practical advice, expert insights and answers to your questions about how to live a good life after newsletter promotion But it isn't. More from Jessica DeFino's Ask Ugly: My father had plastic surgery. Now he wants me and my mother to get work done How should I be styling my pubic hair? How do I deal with imperfection? I want to ignore beauty culture. But I'll never get anywhere if I don't look a certain way I could tell you that making peace with every last epidermal divot is an inside job – to love yourself first, that no product or partner can help you. But I don't think we're meant to love, heal, or even become ourselves alone. Humans are communal creatures. We need each other. I'm not saying you're doomed to spiral about your selfies until a boyfriend appears. The perspective-shifting power of love that May describes applies to non-romantic relationships, too. Family, friends and communities can bring us a similar sense 'of an ethical home, of power over our sense of existing and of a call to our destiny', he says. 'A work of art, a vocation, a god, a new country, even a landscape' can inspire sublimity, too – that feeling of being both empowered and humbled. So stare at a sunset instead of the mirror. Put down the phone and pick up a guitar. Go to a museum! Volunteer! Take a mini road trip with your mom! Find God in the mosh pit of a punk show! Make your world bigger, and soon enough, your scars will seem appropriately small. One last tip: Data from Pew Research Center shows only one in five partnered adults under 30 first connected with their current partner online. Some of the above suggestions double as great ways to meet potential partners in real life – no anxiety-inducing online avatar necessary. Delete her. Be free. But if you continue online dating? Give the Inverse Catfish Method a go. Do you have a beauty question for Ask Ugly? Submit it anonymously here — and be as detailed as possible, please! Anonymous if you prefer Please be as detailed as possible Your contact details are helpful so we can contact you for more information. They will only be seen by the Guardian.
Irish Times
08-05-2025
- Health
- Irish Times
The quest for perfection is doing you much more bad than good - here's why
Setting standards and aiming to succeed are healthy personality traits. They motivate a person to be persistent and meticulous in maintaining their personal beliefs and attitudes. Someone who works hard and showcases high performance in their professional endeavours may have perfectionist tendencies. It is often an admired trait, especially in people who reach their goals in a conscientious manner. It can bring feelings of self-worth and happiness. This is part of a series called Wellness Wisdom However, perfectionism can be an overwhelming and problematic mindset that leads to low confidence, fear of failure, negative self-talk and intense pressure to achieve outside of one's capabilities. It can lend itself to feelings of intense unhappiness. Self-criticism is associated with poor self-esteem, loss of control, lower mood, depression and anxiety. In some cases it is linked to obsessive and compulsive behaviours, as well as intrusive thoughts. READ MORE When someone strives beyond what is achievable, the motivating impulse that spurs them on can be counterproductive, crippling them into inaction and interfering with their quality of life. 'Usually, when we think of perfection, we see it as something free from mistakes or defects.' says Elaine Ní Mhórdha, a psychotherapeutic coach . 'This is unrealistic and when we strive for perfection, we focus on our perceived flaws, magnifying them. In a way, we punish ourselves for what we believe is a defect. This can be physical, mental and emotional.' Signs of perfectionist behaviour include being highly critical, having unrealistic standards, being pushed by a fear of failure, procrastinating out of fear, focusing on the goal rather than the journey and being unhappy when goals are not met. According to Ms Ní Mhórdha, guilt and shame can play a role in our quest for perfectionism. 'Sometimes we believe that if we can be perfect or seen to be perfect, then we will be validated and hold value,' she says. 'We will have worth. If we can somehow reach a state of perfect, we can release our negative views of ourselves and let go of past experiences. We believe that we will no longer face harsh judgment or criticism.' In reality, the quest for perfection is a never-ending treadmill as our standards continually shift and change, especially as external social and cultural influences, along with social media, unknowingly encourage unhealthy competition with others. This can all combine to leave us demanding even more from ourselves. These demands can be unrealistic or unattainable. 'Perfectionism is often evident with women who have always been classed as 'good girls',' says Ms Ní Mhórdha. 'The belief is that if we can exude perfection and be 'good', then everything will be okay around us and we will be safe and stable. 'This may have been how we coped when we were children. Sometimes our childhood experiences teach us that love is conditional and in order to achieve it, we have to be great.' Through a rose-tinted lens, we are shown different versions of perfection. Consistent online targeting through algorithms, disjointed messages and impossibly high standards messes with our understanding of what is achievable in life. 'Without being too philosophical, what is perfect?' says Ms Ní Mhórdha. 'Does it change or is it static? Whose view of perfect are we choosing – our own or someone else's? 'Pursuing an unattainable goal can result in perfectionists suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. They will constantly think they aren't good enough because they haven't met their impossible standard. Perfectionism is essentially a myth.' We need to understand that imperfection and mistakes make us human A perfectionist is likely to take greater risks that are counterproductive and unhealthy. They may overthink and obsessively focus on intrusive thoughts. They are unlikely to be flexible in the approach to their goal, while also obsessing about the small details and adopting negative, controlling behaviours. Ms Ní Mhórdha adds: 'When we feel inadequate and so far removed from what we believe is perfect, we become discouraged. The fear of not achieving perfection can lead to overthinking and excessive analysis. When we focus on every detail, we can struggle to make decisions or take action, resulting in procrastination.' She notes that action is the 'antidote to a lack of confidence'. However, perfectionism can lead to fear of failure, creating an anxious paralysis as our motivation decreases in a state of fear. 'We can become consumed with the idea that mistakes are terrible and somehow diminish our worth,' she says. 'We become trapped by our own perceived inadequacy and unable to try something new or pursue a dream.' While aiming for a level of perfection can help you achieve your goals in a manageable way, it can negatively affect you too. Avoiding perfectionism can be difficult, but it is not impossible. according to Ms Ní Mhórdha. She says: 'We need to understand that imperfection and mistakes make us human. We must shift our mindset from seeking flawlessness to valuing other aspects of our lives and embracing the sense of good enough.' She offers the following guidance in tackling perfectionism: Place a focus on learning opportunities. Mistakes are part of life. They are what make us human and each mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow. Be more realistic with goals. They need to be achievable rather than an impossible standard. Engage in self-care and self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and acceptance when you make a mistake. Identify your negative voice. Who do you hear in your mind when you feel inadequate or not good enough? By identifying that voice, you can learn more about the root of your quest for perfectionism. Challenge negative thoughts when they arise. Stop a negative thought in its tracks and ask yourself if it is true, if it is realistic and whether or not there is any evidence to support it. Remember that your thoughts aren't facts. Just because you think something you're doing isn't correct, this thought is not necessarily true. Focus on your strengths. Often, when we strive for perfectionism, we focus on our perceived flaws rather than our strengths, abilities, talents and successes. Work with a therapist to embrace imperfection. Reframing perfectionist thinking is very beneficial. Wellness Wisdom How to focus a distracted mind Learning from Ancient Wisdom How to overcome self-doubt Stop avoiding difficult emotions Avoiding the stress pile-on Learning to say 'no'
