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11 hours ago
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The Rudest Things You Could Say To A Stay-At-Home Dad
Over the last several decades, more and more dads have taken on the role of primary caregiver in their families. Stay-at-home dads made up 17% of all stay-at-home-parents in 2016, up from 10% in 1989, according to the latest available Pew Research data. Despite this demographic uptick, stay-at-home dads are still not the societal norm. They defy antiquated gender roles that say men should be the breadwinners in heterosexual partnerships while women handle the bulk of child care and other domestic duties. For that reason, SAHDs often find themselves on the receiving end of confused looks, critical remarks and inappropriate questions from strangers, acquaintances, and even some friends and relatives. 'I've heard things that border on rude to more dismissive comments that seem to come from a place of ignorance,' stay-at-home dad Aaron Martintold HuffPost. We asked Martin and other SAHDs to share the frustrating and insensitive remarks they're tired of hearing. There are a couple of issues here: One is the assumption that a man must work outside of the home. And two is that the question devalues the tireless job of being a primary caregiver. Stay-at-home dad Kevin Laferriere, comedian and co-creator of @thedumbdads,said he got this question a lot when he would take his kid to story time or a class at the YMCA. 'Sure, I'd get it mostly from an older generation who maybe assumed I was between conference calls or had to stay home today because I need to change the alternator,' Laferriere said. 'Don't make assumptions of dads with that 'you must be lost' to be here attitude. Normalize stay-at-home dads. Also, I have no idea what an alternator is.' Other similar questions: 'Are you looking for a job?' or 'When do you plan on getting a real job?' This assumes a man wouldn't choose to be a SAHD and must just be biding his time until he's formally employed again. 'The idea that I'm somehow stuck in this position or I didn't choose to be a stay-at-home dad is an incredibly unfair assumption,' comedian Evan Berger, who co-hosts the 'Dumb Dad Podcast' with Laferriere, told HuffPost. 'I cherish and adore getting to spend this valuable time with my children that I would have otherwise missed. Sure, my co-workers put stickers on me and leave toys and food all over my work-space, but I get along with them really well and I can take as long of a lunch break as I want.' When SAHD David Bacque, the man behind the Instagram account @life_with_benjamin, gets questions like these, he responds: 'No, I'm not looking for a job. Being home with my kids is the most rewarding job I've ever had,' he told HuffPost. News flash: A dad who is spending time with his own children isn't 'babysitting' — he's simply being a parent. 'It blows my mind that this is a thing that ever gets said. And in my experience, it has usually come from older women,' stay-at-home dad Matt Beauchamp, blogger at Dashing Dad, told HuffPost. 'Dads don't babysit, they parent and need to be treated as an equally contributing parent.' Laferriere said he's gotten this question a handful of times himself. 'First, it implies the baby isn't even really mine in the sense of caretaking. That if something were to go wrong, I'd need to 'ask mom' about it,' he said. 'Besides, babysitters get paid,' he continued. 'If you're going to pay me, then yes, call me the babysitter and let's discuss rates — and vacation days!' Similar phrases like 'daddy daycare' are not only 'annoying and trite,' said stay-at-home dad Jay Deitcher, but can also be hurtful. 'Because no matter how much someone sees you caring for your kid, they still view you as a secondary caretaker,' he told HuffPost. 'They also view you as fairly inept, even with proof right before their eyes.' Sure, a question like this could be coming from a place of genuine curiosity about what a SAHD's daily life looks like. But the subtext is that being home with the kids is easy and/or dads are lazy. Martin said he gets asked this question 'far more than [he] expected' since transitioning to being home full-time with his daughter. 'The implication seems to be I sit around and watch TV all day while my daughter plays in the corner. Sure, I get a 60-90 minute break while she naps in the afternoon, but I find plenty of days where I work harder now than I did in my previous life as a journalist,' he said. Even when the question is well-intentioned, it can 'lead to insecurity and self-doubt,' Martin said. 'I find it easier to deal with now and usually just ignore it, but the first few months led to some soul-searching. As a white man, I'm not going to pretend I've faced much discrimination in my life. But seeing a dad as the primary caretaker is difficult for some people to absorb and accept.' Another variation on this: 'Must be nice to play video games all day!' As Berger said, the bar is 'so incredibly low for dads these days,' that this is what people assume is happening when a father is the one at home. 'Not only do I spend time helping and playing with my children, I feed them, nap them, change their diapers, and focus on keeping the house in order. I shop for groceries, take them to doctor appointments etc.,' he said. 'And when everyone is asleep at the end of the night I'll put on a show and fall asleep on the couch 10 minutes later.' Toxic masculinity strikes again. It's high time we stop measuring manhood by the size of the paycheck Dad brings home. 'The value of a man isn't established by the job he does, and you're not 'less of a man,' for raising your kids,' Beauchamp said. 'It's the hardest and most important job you can do.' Stay-at-home dad Mostafa Hassan, the creator behind @arabbabathatsme, said he's had to contend with comments like: 'You aren't a man if you aren't providing for your family.' 'Would you rather my wife give up a successful career and my children and family go without because I have to end up making less than her?' he told HuffPost. 'Or better yet, shall I just let my small children fend for themselves alone while I go off to work to appease a societal idea?' Stay-at-home dad John Marshall was at the grocery store with all four of his kids in tow when a person sarcastically asked him if he was 'giving mom a break?' Marshall replied, 'No, I stay at home with them.' Then the person said back: 'So, who takes care of the kids?' Is it that hard to believe that a man is more than capable of caring for his own children? 'The only thing I could think of at the time was to squint at them in bewilderment until they felt uncomfortable and left,' Marshall said. These kinds of comments may seem harmless, but they only perpetuate the inept dad stereotype. 'The implication here is that either Dad has no idea what he's doing or that it's a minor miracle the kids are dressed at all,' Beauchamp said. 'The trope of clueless dads needs to be retired.' Stay-at-home dad Hank Pabley encountered this question while trying to schedule an appointment for his son. 'Our doctor's office called me last week, and the nurse said they tried calling my wife but couldn't get through, so they wanted to know when is a good time to reach her to schedule an appointment,' he told HuffPost. 'I told them I am a stay-at-home dad and she can schedule the appointment with me. And after scheduling it, they said they'll send the appointment confirmation to my wife's email and phone number. Really?? I literally told you I'll be scheduling and taking him to the appointment.' 'I think there can be a perception that men don't do enough with their kids. And maybe every household is different, but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, meal planning, etc. while also taking care of my son and working 20 hours a week remote. I am capable of scheduling an appointment,' Pabley added. Some women may assume men just aren't that interested in talking about parenting stuff. As a result, moms may unintentionally exclude stay-at-home dads (and working dads, for that matter) from conversations these men would genuinely like to be a part of. 'Probably the most hurtful thing is when there is a conversation about parenting going on, and me and my wife are in the circle, but when people talk, they only make eye contact with my wife because they see her as the main caretaker,' Deitcher said. 'At one party I was at, there were a bunch of moms having a conversation about parenting that I was interested in, and one of them looked at me, like I was lost, and told me that the dads were on the other side of the room talking about sports.' SAHDs may also be left out of playdates, mommy-and-me classes and other fun kid events. 'Playgroups can be cliquey for everyone, but there are certain people who just won't see men as part of the crew,' Deitcher said. 'They will share all the coolest events in the community with each other while you listen in, knowing you have nothing planned for the weekend and are gonna be bored out of your mind with a kvetchy kid. I'm sure this happens to people who aren't dads, too, but it always feels crappy.' This comes from the outdated sexist belief that a man will always outearn a woman when, in many cases, that's just not so. (And why is another family's financial situation your business, anyway?) 'We both have master's degrees, but my wife easily doubles my salary,' Marshall said. 'But when she was the stay-at-home parent, we weren't financially great, but we made it work because staying at home with the baby was important to us. I told my wife after the first one was born if we have another, I'd like to be the stay-at-home parent, and we made it happen. We couldn't be happier with this setup, the kids are doing great, I love being home with them, and my wife cannot cook or clean to save her life anyway.' Stay-At-Home Dad Shows What Black Fatherhood Looks Like, 1 Video At A Time I'm A Stay-At-Home Dad Who Felt Like An Outsider At Playgroup. That Has To Change. These Comics Highlight The Unfair Ways Society Views Moms Vs. Dads
Yahoo
a day ago
- General
- Yahoo
Vintage photos show how fatherhood has evolved in the US
Fatherhood in the US has evolved since the days of the breadwinner archetype. Changes in the economy led to changing gender roles in parenting. Today, fathers spend more time nurturing their children than ever before. A century ago, fatherhood often meant long hours at work to put bread on the table … and not spending much time with your children. By contrast, some fathers today get parental leave and have a more hands-on approach, from changing diapers to reading bedtime stories. Fatherhood looks different for every father, with factors like culture, finances, and family structures creating a unique experience for every dad. It's also a role that has changed over the past century. Shifts in gender dynamics and the workforce have impacted parenting and the roles of mothers and fathers. Events like the Great Depression, World War II, the 2008 crisis, and COVID-19 have all left a mark on parenting dynamics. Today, more fathers stay at home and nurture their children than ever before. This Father's Day, take a look back at how fatherhood has changed over the last 100 years, from the effects of industrialization to the rise of stay-at-home dads. In the pre-industrial days, a child's behavior was seen as a reflection of their father's raising. Before the industrialization of the US, and going back to the colonial period, fathers were seen as directly responsible for their children's upbringing. "If the children 'went bad,' it was blamed on the father," Regina Morantz-Sanchez, a history professor at the University of Michigan, told the university. This social standard meant fathers often took an active role in shaping a child. For many, especially in rural areas, this also meant training their children in skills needed to contribute to their communities, such as farming or hunting. Industrialization put the financial burden on fathers, who were expected to be breadwinners. The rise in industrial jobs, which were predominantly taken up by men, led to a change in social dynamics, where fathers now faced the financial responsibility of feeding their families, leading to the rise of the "breadwinner" trope. "The new economic structure separated the home and the workplace, which led to a new fatherly ideal," Morantz-Sanchez said. "The men became the breadwinners, and the women stayed at home. This took child-rearing out of the traditional male role." Amid the Great Depression, Father's Day honored dads and the different ways they supported their families. Although it didn't become a national holiday until 1972, Father's Day was first marked in the early 1900s. It began being more widely celebrated in the 1920s after the Great Depression, a time when many men spent long hours away from their families, while other men had faced the challenges of losing their jobs. The Great Depression also promoted Father's Day as a gifting holiday, as reported by the Old Farmer's Almanac, as this helped stimulate the economy. Drafts put a strain on fatherhood as men left their families for war. As World War II escalated in Europe by 1940, America implemented a draft that, initially, didn't include married men, leading to a "marriage boom," as reported by the Oregon Secretary of State. By 1943, fathers became eligible for the draft, and many men had to leave their families as they went off to war, continuing a trend of absent fatherhood in American society, whether it was caused by economic dynamics or, in this instance, a draft. After the war, many women stayed in the labor force, which began to shift parenting dynamics. After WW2, when women largely joined the workforce, working mothers became a more familiar concept for American society. By the 1960s, more married women worked than ever before in American history, as reported by PBS. Having two working parents became more typical, and with that came a heavier burden on housework and childcare. While mothers continued to serve as the main caregivers even while working themselves, some men began "helping" mothers, as reported in a 2009 report from the National Council on Family Relations. By the 1970s, some fathers began being more involved in their children's childcare. A new type of fatherhood began to emerge in the 1970s as men took on more of a nurturing role in their children's upbringing. This new archetype, named "the new nurturant father" at the time, as noted in a Cornell University study, was used to describe fathers who, although still serving as the main breadwinner of the house, also took on an active role in the emotional development of their children. Part of this came as a response to a rise in absent fathers after no-fault divorce began being legalized by 1969, which drew much criticism from the growing feminist movement as well as scrutiny from the psychological community. It was a time of shifting attitudes toward parenting, as feminists highlighted the invisible labor traditionally done by mothers, and as fathering researchers studied the effects of emotional detachment from absent fathers on both the children and the fathers themselves. A movement for "new fatherhood" began emerging in the 1980s as fathers continued to become more involved in their children's lives, as reported by Psychology Today. At the turn of the 20th century, more dads were staying home with their kids. Between 2003 and 2006, the rate of stay-at-home dads increased by 50%, as reported by the American Psychological Association. This aligned with the rise in women's wages, along with a growing sentiment of not wanting someone else to raise their children, per APA. Despite their growing presence in childcare, stay-at-home dads also reported feeling isolated from other stay-at-home parents, who were predominantly women. The trend continued after the 2008 economic crash. While rates of stay-at-home dads have fluctuated over the past 50 years, they have consistently increased during periods of high unemployment, per the Pew Research Center. After the 2008 financial crisis, many men stayed at home and provided childcare for their children. "In the aftermath of the Great Recession, we saw the share of all stay-at-home parents go up by several percentage points to about 29%," Pew Research Center's director of social trends research, Kim Parker, told CNBC in 2021. Still, the rates of stay-at-home have remained low — around 7% in 2021 — and their reasons to stay home differ from stay-at-home moms, with more men staying at home because of disability, retirement, inability to find a job, or going to school, according to the Pew Research Center. Rates of stay-at-home dads went up further after the COVID-19 pandemic, and time spent with children has remained at a historic high. As people left the workforce during the COVID-19 pandemic, many men were presented with the opportunity to stay home with their children. As many as 7 million men between 25 and 54 did not return to the workforce after the pandemic, as reported by The Spectator. Today, per The New York Times, fathers spend more time with their children than previous generations, and parenting trends continue to shift toward a more balanced version of parenthood, where mothers and fathers share more of the responsibilities and joys of raising a child. Read the original article on Business Insider
