Raise the Future is committed to supporting adoptive families
Raise the Future is a leader in the state for teaching Trust-based Relational Interventions, TBRI. TBRI is a trauma-informed, whole-child approach to caring for vulnerable children. It gives parents tangible tools for connecting with their children and helps them heal from the trauma they've experienced.
"TBRI has been a massive thing in our lives," said Jayla, an adoptive daughter.
Garry and Stacey adopted Jayla and her older sister when they were preschoolers.
"Our older daughter lived in four different homes by the time we were able to bring her into our home, so she had abandonment issues," Garry explained.
The issues that Jorja and Jayla faced and the trauma they suffered didn't start to surface until they got older.
"When we went into this we were naive, and we thought, 'Ah, we've raised two great kids. We know what we're doing.' It's a whole different rule book when you adopt," Stacey explained.
Stacey took a TBRI class, and the family had regular visits from a TBRI coach.
"Just all the techniques to keep the kids from what they call 'flipping their lids' and helping us as a family connect," Stacey said.
"We both come from sort of traumatic backgrounds. It kind of helps you process those things as a family and get through them normally instead of everything being crazy all the time," Jayla said.
While the girls had every advantage growing up, they still needed help regulating their emotions.
"I have to leave the room or it will not go well," Jorja explained.
"One of my personal favorites that we learned was tapping, which is like self-regulatory, like tapping yourself, which just kind of helps you calm down from emotions," Jayla said.
Garry and Stacey also had a lot to learn about how to meet their girls' needs.
"It actually goes against what ...sometimes when you're in a really emotional situation, and you want to be really firm and raise your voice, TBRI says to the opposite," Garry explained.
These days there are more good days than bad. Jorja is going to college and working in early childhood education, and Jayla has plans to become a mental health nurse for children.
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A Day for Wednesday's Child
CBS Colorado has been a partner with Raise the Future for nearly 40 years. Join CBS Colorado for a day of fundraising and awareness during A Day for Wednesday's Child on Wednesday, April 16, 2025.
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Forbes
9 hours ago
- Forbes
Temperance: How To Cultivate The Quiet Strength That Shapes Character
In a series of articles, I explore each of the 11 character dimensions in the Leader Character Framework, as described in the MIT Sloan article 'Make Leader Character Your Competitive Edge.' I am starting with temperance because research at the Ivey Business School and Virtuosity Character consistently reveals it as the weakest dimension. It may be that temperance is neglected because people often view it as a weakness rather than the quiet strength that shapes character. They fail to see the cost of its absence, such as the erosion of trust when someone loses their temper. Although we often underestimate its impact, we are more likely to notice and feel the effects when it is missing. It also plays a crucial role in tapping into all dimensions of character, and most critically in shaping our judgment. Explaining what temperance is, why it matters, and how to develop it is essential for sustained excellence and well-being. Defining Temperance The virtue of temperance has a long history in moral philosophy. Although the temperance movement of the 19th and 20th centuries often distorted its meaning by associating it with alcohol abstinence, its component behaviors have stood the test of time. Benjamin Franklin ranked temperance at the top of his list of virtues that he checked daily. Although the highly respected philanthropist and investor, Warren Buffett, hasn't used the term temperance, his philosophy and approach to investing reveal the five virtuous behaviors—being calm, composed, patient, prudent, and self-controlled—that can manifest as both deficiency and excess vices. A good video introduction to temperance is available through Virtuosity Character. The vices of deficiency, such as being anxious, agitated, impatient, inattentive, and rash, are common everyday experiences. Forbes contributor Bryan Robinson reports on a 2024 American Psychiatric Association study that shows 43% of Americans are more anxious than they were the previous year, with 70% feeling anxious about current events. When someone cuts us off on the way to work, we become agitated. Nothing seems to move fast enough, which makes it easy to become impatient. Less obvious is when we are inattentive, but this often becomes clear afterward when we realize we've missed something important. The same goes for being rash. With all these behaviors, there may be no obvious cost in the moment. We might lose our temper and say things we can't take back, with the consequences showing over time. At other times, the result can be both immediate and devastating, as seen in many traffic accidents caused by impatience, inattentiveness, or rashness. The excess vices—being indifferent, detached, overly accepting, overly cautious, and over-regulating—are mainly linked to deficiencies in other character areas. It's easy to see that someone lacking courage, drive, or accountability might become overly cautious, while someone with weaknesses in justice and integrity could become overly accepting. A person lacking transcendence, humanity, humility, and collaboration might become indifferent and detached. The core of temperance is that all five virtuous behaviors need to be strengthened, but temperance cannot be viewed in isolation. It requires support from the other 11 dimensions. Judgment, or what Aristotle called 'practical wisdom,' acts like an air-traffic controller, serving as a central dimension among the other 10, as shown in Figure 1. Whereas we often fail to recognize when we are lacking humanity or humility, deficiencies in temperance are usually apparent to ourselves and others. We feel anxious, and others can see that we are impatient. In 'Towards a Model of Leader Character Development: Insights From Anatomy and Music Therapy,' Corey Crossan, Cassie Ellis, and I reveal how character development depends on four underlying anatomical systems – physiology, affect, behavior, and cognition – what we refer to as the PABCs. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy recognizes the interdependence of these systems when seeking to change behavior, whereas leadership development typically neglects one or more, particularly physiology. Although there is recognition of the fight, flight, and freeze responses in humans, as Forbes Councils Member Peter Stewart describes, and their links to affect, which includes feelings, emotions, and mood, the link to character, and in particular temperance, has been underexplored. Yet the connections are critical. Take, for example, a person's fear of public speaking, which Forbes contributor Jane Hanson describes as 'the most common phobia ahead of death, spiders and heights…with experts suggesting that nearly 75% of the population is affected.' As Hanson describes, 'the same complex bodily response that protects us from danger - the fight or flight response - is at the root of public speaking anxiety. When we are stressed, our body releases stress hormones that shut down the part of the brain responsible for memory. Next thing you know, your mind 'goes blank' and you forget that witty opening line you'd practiced so many times.' Why is it that we don't trigger the fight/flight response during every conversation? Consider that the moment we imagine ourselves giving a speech, a range of things happen simultaneously, including cognitive scripts such as 'I hate giving speeches' and 'I am not good at it,' along with associated feelings of fear, as well as the physiological adrenaline rush that accompanies these responses. Consider a different sequence: that without even being fully aware, our physiology shifts and our heart rate becomes increasingly erratic. We notice the shifts and start to label the energy in motion (emotion) as one of fear, making sense of it with scripts like 'I hate giving speeches.' But what if part of that energy in motion is excitement about the opportunity, which could then have a different set of scripts? When we start to unpack the development of temperance, we need to keep in mind the PABC systems that underpin it. But first, let's address why temperance matters. The Importance of Temperance Research at the Ivey Business School reveals that differences between individuals with weak and strong character are associated with a 14% increase in leader effectiveness and a 10% increase in resilience, job-related well-being, and job satisfaction. Fred Kiel's book, 'Return on Character,' reveals that leaders of strong character achieved up to five times the Return on Assets compared to those organizations with leaders of weak character. The interesting question is what role temperance plays within the constellation of the 11-character dimensions. Although the Ivey research reveals that the character dimension of judgment plays a central coordinating role in the constellation, temperance has a special role because of its strong connection to the PABCs. When individuals lack patience and calm, many describe themselves as 'not their best selves,' meaning they typically possess more humanity or humility, but in the moment, they struggle to access it. Essentially, temperance seems to act as a portal through which we access other dimensions of character, so when temperance is weak, people are unable to access those other dimensions. There are many examples of leaders with weak temperance – being impatient, agitated, and rash. Forbes Contributor Nellie Akalp even suggests impatience might just be a virtue for entrepreneurs, citing Steve Jobs as an example. However, what has been misunderstood is that people often equate a lack of temperance with high drive, but neglect the fact that you need both. Cultivating temperance does not erode drive. Therefore, giving someone a pass when they lose their temper because they have a lot of drive is like a race car without an adequate braking system. Weaknesses in temperance undermine judgment. However, the solution isn't about 'getting emotions out of decision-making,' which is a common refrain. Instead, temperance is about the capacity to regulate affect—including feelings, emotions, and mood. However, excess temperance is also problematic. It is less common in senior leadership roles because organizations tend to overemphasize drive and underestimate the importance of temperance, which leads to promoting leaders with a similar profile to Steve Jobs. However, excess temperance shows up in leaders who often create many roadblocks for why something can't happen or, like the race car analogy, seem to be riding the brakes all the time. In our workshops, we use the example of Apollo XIII to illustrate how temperance functions in the virtuous state, leading not just to excellent decision-making but also to the safe return of the astronauts. The famous 'failure is not an option' scene reveals strength in several character qualities, including courage, accountability, drive, and transcendence, while highlighting the crucial role of temperance as they collectively decide on the rescue mission. When tempers begin to flare over the options, NASA flight director Gene Kranz encourages patience and calmness. The scene serves as a powerful example of prudence, which is often misunderstood, as the team faces the challenging decision of how to save and manage the energy needed to bring the module back. Kranz isn't relying solely on his temperance, but also inspires it in others when he calls on everyone, including people on the assembly line who made the module, to help figure out how they can manage the limited energy. Overall, weaknesses in temperance weaken the other character dimensions and ultimately judgment. Developing temperance involves cultivating the five habits of being calm, composed, patient, prudent, and self-controlled, which depend on regulating the PABC systems. Here's how. Developing Temperance The five temperance habits, along with all character development, follow a progression through five levels. The first level is the ability to observe and identify behaviors in oneself and others, whether they are in a deficient, virtuous, or excessive state. Opportunities to do this are available at every moment of every day as we witness our behavior and that of others. The examples of excess, deficiency, and virtuous behaviors discussed earlier illustrate how to begin diagnosing behaviors by examining character. Although many people believe that leaders should resemble Steve Jobs, with high drive, courage, and accountability, and low temperance, looking at counter-examples like Warren Buffett and Gene Kranz helps clarify how temperance functions. It's especially meaningful to observe it within ourselves. Few people see any benefit in their lack of temperance, and many worry they lack the ability to strengthen it, which leads us to the second level. Activating the chosen behavior is the second level. The foregoing article on the model of leader character development explains how music can not only be used to regulate the four anatomical systems but also to activate character dimensions and specific behaviors. Music is especially influential because research shows that it directly impacts physiology and affect, and can be used wisely to activate cognition—particularly when someone needs to remind themselves of what it feels like to be calm, for example. It is no surprise that many meditation apps rely on ocean sounds to help calm users. Our research revealed that one doesn't have to listen to music; simply recalling music can strongly activate character. We also use images, such as pictures and memories of places, to cultivate personal resources that help a person activate a behavior. These resources are like lifting weights that activate a specific muscle. The third level involves strengthening behavior, particularly in personal and professional contexts. In the Virtuosity mobile app, I co-created with Corey Crossan, we offer daily practices for all character behaviors. We often use the quote attributed to Viktor Frankl that 'between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space is our power to choose our response, and in that response lies our growth and our freedom.' However, we suggest that Frankl underestimated the role of character in being able to choose. For example, if a person lacks patience, they have closed off possibilities and allowed their physiology to dictate their choices. The first step is to use the space between stimulus and response to observe and identify behaviors. The following is an example of a daily exercise for developing self-control, a key temperance behavior. All exercises rely on prior research that informs the behavior. For example, the habit of developing self-control depends in part on decision science, which suggests that self-control is like a battery that gets depleted during the day and can also be replenished in various ways, including through sleep, a balanced diet, or even spending time in nature. Exercises to develop self-control involve becoming more aware of the decision fatigue in our daily lives that depletes self-control and learning to both regulate and restore the battery that fuels self-control. The fourth level is consistent for all character behaviors and involves exploring how interdependent they are. For example, as I worked on strengthening my self-control, I learned how dependent it was on my transcendence, particularly being purposive. I realized how I was putting a lot of pressure on my self-control when my sense of why I was doing something, or not doing it, was not fully activated. I also discovered how much my self-control relied on my integrity, particularly in habits such as being principled and consistent. I learned that the character dimension of collaboration was critical as I began to rely on others to help support my self-control. The final level involves strengthening the habit so that it remains consistent in different contexts. For example, lack of time can put a lot of pressure on being patient and calm, so it isn't simply a matter of cultivating calm when I am on my yoga mat, but rather strengthening it so that I remain calm even under duress. One of the surprising findings about temperance from the research at Virtuosity Character is that when people strengthen other dimensions of character, they also find that their temperance improves. For example, strengthening humanity through compassion and empathy helps people show more care towards others rather than being agitated or impatient. This is a testament to the interconnected nature of the character dimensions and how much pressure we often place on temperance because we lack in other areas. Cultivating temperance is not a matter of 'one and done,' but rather it is an ongoing practice of strengthening the character muscle we need daily. Like the brakes on a race car, it needs to be there when we need it and not a second later. Like Formula 1 race teams that stress-test their brakes alongside their engines, it is time to recognize the critical role of temperance in cultivating character.
Yahoo
10 hours ago
- Yahoo
Woman Upset After Mom Secretly Makes Changes to Apartment While She's Away on Vacation
She asked her mom to only wash the curtains, but returned to find multiple unapproved changes NEED TO KNOW A woman's mother promised to only wash the curtains while she was away, but made several other changes without asking The family repainted, moved furniture, and attempted repairs the woman had planned to do later She asked Reddit if she was wrong to feel hurt over what she sees as a breach of trust A young woman seeks support from the Reddit community following an emotional dispute with her family over home renovations done without her permission. In her post, the 25-year-old explains that she and her fiancé live in an apartment owned by her mother, and while it has 'its problems,' they love it and consider it in 'good condition.' Shortly after moving in, they went on a family vacation with her fiancé's parents, and her mother entered their home and cleaned it without telling them. 'We felt very uncomfortable,' she writes, adding that it felt like 'a breach of privacy' and that it made her feel her efforts to make the space theirs were 'not enough.' The young woman says she spoke to her mother after that incident, expressing gratitude but also setting a clear boundary. 'I told my mum that while we were thankful for the help, please don't do it again because we are not comfortable.' This year, she says, there seemed to be progress in respecting her boundaries when her mother approached her before their trip. 'My mum asked me if she can wash our curtains while we are away… since I need help with that anyway I said yes and decided to trust her.' However, when they returned from vacation, it became clear that more had been done than they had agreed on. 'It was obvious more things changed than what we know about,' she writes, describing duct tape covering damaged furniture, a ripped rug, and rearranged belongings. She points out that the bathroom cabinet seemed to have been broken off from one of the places it was attached to the wall. There was also a fresh paint job on the bathroom ceiling and toilet wall, which concerned her because she knew 'a simple paintjob won't fix it' given the existing issues from a previous renovation. The young woman stresses that she understands her family wanted to help, but says these were repairs she had intentionally delayed. 'I would rather wait for a good job that needs to be done once than fix it over and over again,' she explains, noting that her fiancé's father had done 'an amazing job in the kitchen' and she was willing to be patient for similar quality. When she asked her mother why these changes were made without discussion, the conversation turned tense. 'They could tell we were upset but they did not know that my silence and short answers was because I was trying not to cry,' she shares. She insists she was not trying to be ungrateful but was looking for understanding. 'It is not about the help but the trust… their trust in me to being able to do things, to be on their level,' she says. Instead, she says her mother and grandmother seemed to take her question as a personal attack. 'They basically sent me away, clearly thinking that my fiancé was turning me against them,' she writes. The emotional core of her frustration lies in feeling excluded from decisions about her own living space. 'Them not including us,' she says simply, capturing the heart of the dispute before asking if she was in the wrong. In the thread, one commenter asked if she has a written agreement about living in her mother's flat or if she pays rent. They pointed out that without such an agreement, her mother 'has every right to feel concerned about the loss of value' during the time she lives there, while also noting it's 'not ok that she doesn't communicate openly about it.' In response, the young woman revealed that they only have a spoken agreement. 'We wanted to pay rent but they said it was for us… if we ever wanted to have our own place,' she explains, adding that the only condition was to pay the bills, which she and her fiancé split between them. She also says that repairs have been done in the past with family involvement. 'We did repairs in the past together,' she notes, which makes the recent lack of communication even more hurtful. While she acknowledges her family's intentions, she feels that decisions about her home should involve her. Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
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Condé Nast Traveler
a day ago
- Condé Nast Traveler
Museums at Indian Boarding Schools Are Shining Light on Their Survivors
'The original intent of this [school] was to destroy our culture,' says Stacey Montooth, executive director of the Nevada Department of Native American Affairs and citizen of the Walker River Paiute Nation. Together, under a cloudless Nevada sky in Carson City, she and I stroll the campus of the Stewart Indian School, a boarding school that opened in 1890 by the US government as part of a greater effort to force Indigenous children to assimilate—at all costs—into white society. As we walk along manicured lawns and past beautifully crafted stone buildings, which I later learn were built by Hopi stonemasons from Arizona, it's hard to picture the dark chapter of American history that unfolded here. Thanks to the preservation work of Montooth and others, there's no need to imagine: The proof lies in what's now a National Historic District that includes an audio-led walking trail of 20 stops along the campus and the Stewart Indian School Cultural Center and Museum. Held within the cultural center and museum are the complex stories of children who attended Stewart, oftentimes told in their own words, as well as artifacts like black-and-white photographs from the school's earliest days, vocational training textbooks that were used, and privilege passes that determined which activities students could attend or take part in. According to the boarding school's internal records, nearly 21,000 children were either kidnapped or coerced into attending Stewart. In an effort to strip them of their Native American culture and adapt them to 'appropriate American culture,' children were forbidden from speaking their native languages or practicing cultural traditions; their names were changed and hair cut; and contact with their families and communities was cut off. Many students also suffered deeply traumatic experiences, including physical and sexual abuse from teachers and staff.
