Celebrating Valentine's Day? 6 things about love and sex researchers say you need to know

USA Today

14-02-2025

Celebrating Valentine's Day? 6 things about love and sex researchers say you need to know
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USA TODAY reporter picks her Valentine's Day date
After a nationwide search for Mr. Right, USA TODAY reporter Erin Jensen picks the winner from her top three choices for a Valentine's date in NYC.
For millions of years, humans have been looking for love.
Some parts of courtship and companionship have remained the same since our ancestors first started engaging in pair bonding more than 4 million years ago, according to Justin Garcia, a senior scientist and executive director of the Kinsey Institute, which has been studying sexuality and research for more than 75 years.
'That's part of our deep evolutionary legacy as a species that has love bonds and I think we shouldn't take that for granted − not all species do,' said Garcia, author of the forthcoming book The Intimate Animal: Why We've Evolved to Live and Die for Love.
But in some ways, Garcia said, dating in 2025 is a different animal entirely thanks in part to technology that means daters must navigate sexting, dating app fatigue and an ever-growing slew of new dating terms from "situationships" and "getting the ick" to "paperclipping" and "breadcrumbing."
And the study of love has changed too, Garcia said, as researchers developed better tools and broadened their understanding of different kinds of relationships, like ethical nonmonogamy, what dating looks like as we get older and what happens to our brains and bodies when we fall in love.
As Valentine's Day approaches, Garcia said the annual celebration offers a good opportunity to reflect on what science can tell us about how to approach our romantic relationships, whether we're still swiping on dating apps or celebrating decades of marriage. Garcia said even if you're in a monogamous relationship, it's not just you and your partner you have to worry about, there's always a third element.
'It's you, it's me and it's us,' Garcia said. 'And the 'us' piece is thinking about what we both need for the life we're building together.'
Don't get too focused on your love story
There are plenty of things that can be dealbreakers in a relationship. But Garcia warned that people can sometimes be too quick to reject potential partners based on superficial qualities if people don't live up to their fantasies. Our biases can cause us to miss out on not just long-term relationships, but on lots of fulfilling or meaningful dating experiences.
'Some people get too hyper focused on their love story, and they start discounting the real world around them,' he said. 'So you could meet someone that's perfect for you in every way, except in your love story your partner was supposed to be a brunette and this person is a blonde or in your love story, your partner is six inches taller than you and this person is the same height or shorter than you.'
Courtship is about seeking − and being found
Garcia said while many daters often focus on what they're looking for in a potential partner, it's also important to think about the image of yourself you're putting out there.
Garcia, who provides expertise as a scientific advisor to dating apps, said if your dating profile has no photos or very little personal information, you're a lot less likely to get matches no matter how much you swipe.
"Perhaps the best research-backed guidance this Valentine's Day is for us all to widen the lens and be curious, about ourselves and those around us," he said.
Keeping passion alive is possible for everyone
Garcia said many people assume passion is something you either have or don't have. While fireworks can certainly be present at the start of the relationship, passion can also take time and cultivation.
Keeping a flame hot requires maintenance, but he said it doesn't have to be a constant struggle.
'I actually hate when people say relationships are hard work, because I don't think it's true,' Garcia said. 'It takes some commitment of time and effort and it takes some compromise, but it doesn't necessarily have to be hard work.'
Knowing yourself is key
'The best piece of advice that I would give to people is that they have to have a good level of self awareness before entering into a happy and healthy relationship,' said Marisa Cohen, a marriage and family therapist and relationship scientist.
It's important to have a solid understanding of your own values, beliefs and goals so you're able to find a partner you can grow with, rather than apart from, Cohen said.
She said this advice can apply to many aspects of a relationship, particularly communication. If, for example, you know that when you get frustrated, you tend to respond with criticism, you can develop strategies to communicate better with your partner.
Staying positive during conflict
Sharing dislikes can help us bond faster with friends, but in romantic relationships, it's important to remember how impactful negativity can be, Cohen said, citing research from The Gottman Institute, an organization that investigates the psychology of relationships. The institute's research found, for example, that for every negative interaction a couple had during a disagreement, a successful marriage had five or more positive ones.
'Just know if you're employing criticism or contempt in an argument, that's what your partner is going to hold on to, and that can really deteriorate the relationship quickly,' she said.
Perception doesn't always equal reality
Our experience in relationships doesn't always align with the reality of the situation, according to Theresa E. DiDonato, a social psychologist at Loyola University Maryland with expertise in romantic attraction. You might be doing and saying all the right things, but if your partner doesn't perceive you to be doing those things, they likely won't have the impact you intend.
The same goes for how we make sense of our partner's behavior. She said people in the happiest relationships tend to maintain positive illusions of their partners, like believing they're kinder or more loving than they really are.
'If they ignore us, for example, we might imagine 'they're stressed' or assume 'they don't value me,'' said DiDonato, coauthor of The Science of Romantic Relationships. 'Same behavior, different explanations, with the former prompting empathy and the latter potentially fueling resentment and disengagement.'