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Telegraph
17-05-2025
- Health
- Telegraph
Nine surprising sex tips that will save your marriage
Things cooled off in the bedroom? We spoke to three experts with differing perspectives for practical ways couples can regain intimacy. According to experts, a sexless marriage is defined as a couple having sex less than ten times per year, and couples in sexless marriages consider divorce more often than couples who have regular sex. Research from Relate suggests that up to half of all marriages in the UK fall into this category. So what can you do if you're one of them? 1. Take intercourse entirely off the table 'One of the most surprising pieces of advice sex therapists give to married couples who are struggling in the bedroom, is to temporarily stop having sex,' says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want. 'If the sex you're having isn't really working for anyone, having more of it isn't going to help. Sometimes the answer is to take a break and focus instead on just connecting with your partner. Focus on physical intimacy that doesn't have any sexual expectations or pressure attached. For example, take turns giving each other a massage, or just gently tracing the contours of their body. Relax, and focus on sensation and sensuality. Taking sex off of the table for a little bit to provide an opportunity to rebuild your connection is one of the most powerful things couples can do to get their sex lives back on track.' 2. Remember the things you first found attractive. And don't be embarrassed to flirt like it's your first date While it's healthy for couples to feel relaxed around each other, be mindful that comfort is the killer of lust, warns Peter Saddington, a relationship therapist. 'Instead of watching Netflix and breaking wind in front of one another, try channelling the excitement you once had. Start by sitting together for an evening, perhaps over wine, telling the other person what you liked back in the day. Focus on the small details of attraction – from the way they smelt to how they wore their hair. Then, the next time, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special for them. What you're likely to find is that flirting will return, which will lead to feeling more sexual, and you can reignite something that's perhaps been lost for a while.' 3. Great sex doesn't have to spontaneous – it's usually the opposite In between the demands of work, children or grandchildren, cooking and general modern life, it's common for 'nookie' to take a back seat. But as Saddington says, 'scheduling in regular time to be intimate – yes even booking it in your Apple calendar – is often the only way it's going to happen for couples in 2025'. This isn't making sex boring, he insists, instead it's making a commitment to maintaining the relationship. 'It's acknowledging that even when we may not feel like it, we understand the importance of being connected sexually. So if Saturday nights are 'your night', you'll put effort in making it special, whether that's showering together, or just making sure you have a house free of children and interruptions. Above all it's making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and it doesn't let gaps appear which can then normalise not having sex at all. Rarely do two people hit their sexual peaks simultaneously without some planning.' 4. Bring back the everyday affection Once you start feeling taken for granted, you in turn stop making an effort and it becomes a vicious circle, says Saddington. That needs to be broken. 'You can't go from a sex drought to suddenly expecting to be swinging from the chandelier together. Any frostiness that's developed between you needs to be thawed, starting with a gentle simmering of affection – that isn't in a pressuring sexual manner,' he adds. Saddington suggests that every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle, and find a way to compliment them, making sure it's personal and genuine. 'Whether it's an arm squeeze, or a tender kiss on the mouth, it's done without any intention of it leading to sex, but more getting you both used to reclaiming intimacy with small gestures. 'Make a point of saying, 'that colour looks good on you,' or send a WhatsApp saying, 'can't wait to see you later' or send a picture of something silly you've noticed saying 'this made me think of you'. Recreate some of the behaviours from the beginning of your relationship – sending the message 'I'm thinking about you'. Feeling closer to the other person emotionally is when intimacy starts creeping back in.' 5. Slow sex doesn't mean it has to drag on for hours Lose the idea of always having an end goal. Having the best time together in the bedroom (or car, kitchen counter, whatever your preference) isn't always about the orgasm, says dating expert Fidel Beauhill, aka the Modern Man Coach. 'Most couples don't have bad sex because they're doing something wrong, they have bad sex because they're trying to get somewhere,' says Beauhill. 'We're obsessed with goals in the bedroom – the orgasm, the climax, the big finish – but often these pressures are exactly the thing that's getting in the way of genuine intimacy.' Slowing it down, he suggests, will benefit both parties, especially from midlife onwards. ' Tantric teachings have known for centuries that the act of making love is less about achievement and more about connection. For that to happen you need to take orgasms off the table, at least temporarily.' Both partners might explore the concept of 'edging' together (purposely delaying the point of gratification), not just to improve the intensity of any eventual climax, but to deepen the bond. 'Men might assume edging is mostly about them lasting longer, while this is generally helpful as women do biologically take longer to climax, it's also about savouring the build-up and growing a sense of anticipation. Anticipation is a real aphrodisiac in sex.' And slow sex doesn't mean it has to drag on for hours. 'If you've only got 10 minutes, it can still be powerful. Use it to tease, to kiss, to breathe together, to share proper eye contact, to giggle and hug, let it be about the moment, not the outcome. Long-term desire needs tension, not pressure. Notice that difference.' 6. Learn to be selfish in bed Loving sex is a game to be shared and enjoyed together, but not necessarily always in the same session. 'Modern lovers can fall into the mistake of attempting to make sure both parties are always catered for. Of course you should think about each other. But it's also OK – and even preferable – to sometimes take it in turns to be selfish. One night is all about her, and she returns the favour another time.' This makes the art of giving and receiving less transactional, says Beauhill. 'Instead of my turn, your turn, this builds more trust, generosity and playfulness in relationships.' 7. Sharing fantasies keeps things from getting stale Tracey Cox, the author of Great Sex Starts at 50, says that just sharing fantasies together can be just as exciting (and potentially less damaging) than trying out risqué scenarios in real life. 'Both parties need to be reassured that wanting variety is different than being bored,' says Cox. 'It doesn't mean your partner is unhappy with the sex you're having if they're having thoughts about a very different kind of sex or dreaming about something new. Instead of feeling threatened, embrace it and be curious.' The key here, she says, is avoiding judgement or ridicule. 'Whether you want to allow them to talk about it or actively play into it, say, by introducing role play or dressing up, is up to you. Let yourself go a little. If it doesn't float your boat, don't fear that's what your partner really wants. One of the greatest myths about fantasies is that they're suppressed wishes. They're not. Most are conjured up purely for sexual entertainment, and very few of us have any desire to act them out.' If you're too shy to speak it out loud, Cox suggests writing it down and swapping pieces of paper when you're having some intimate time and are feeling playful to maintain the spark. 8. Chemistry is great but technique can be more important The initial flush of lust carries you a long way initially, says Cox, but once that wears off, technique becomes paramount she insists. 'At the start, when we were frisky and getting to know someone physically, we likely 'checked in' with sentences such as 'does that feel good?' and naturally offered feedback, 'Aaah, that's so nice..'. But as we get used to each other – we get lazy.' Happily, insists Cox, sex skills can be learnt or mastered. 'It's never too late to refresh the basics, ask what they want and follow instructions. Their preferences may have changed over time and it's worth both being updated.' You might think 'manually pleasuring' someone (shall we say) is an activity best left for teenagers, but sharing these small, low effort pleasures together can pay dividends for feeling connected overall in any marriage. Cox suggests the best way of making sure your technique is good is by asking your partner to show you how they like to masturbate and copy it as closely as you can. And neither should couples relegate oral sex to being 'something they used to do'. 'Of all the sex acts, it's arguably the most intimate and of the first things to fall by the wayside over time – it shouldn't. Have a bath together and build-up from there, it's about not shutting the door on things and rediscovering pleasures together. ' It's how most women have their orgasms and a great thing to do when one of you wants sex and the other isn't so keen on participating themselves, but are happy to give pleasure. 9. What you do after sex matters Sex shouldn't end with the act of orgasm, a post-coital cuddle will cement the happy hormones, says Dr Lehmiller. 'If you like to spoon, cuddle or otherwise express intimacy for each other, the odds are you are happier in your relationship.' In longitudinal research on couples' post-sex behaviour, it was found that being affectionate after sex increases both sexual and relationship satisfaction over time. 'Interestingly, there was no difference in gender, with both men and women reporting a satisfaction boost in post-sex cuddles, in fact it may even be more important than the duration of felt satisfaction during foreplay or sex,' adds Dr Lehmiller. It goes without saying, of course, that the more satisfied a couple are post-sex, the more likely they will be motivated to have more sex.
The Star
16-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Star
Sex column
Science Says: These Tips Can Seriously Boost Your Sex Life (And They're Fun Too) Let's face it: sex is one of life's great joys—and like anything worth doing well, there's always room for improvement. Luckily, science has stepped in (white coats and all) to offer us some well-researched ways to turn up the heat and enhance our sex lives. Best of all? These tips aren't just effective—they're playful, fun, and yes, occasionally giggle-inducing. Because whether you're having a dry spell or just want to up your bedroom game, there's something here for everyone. Let's dive in. Get Loud (Within Reason) You know what's not sexy? Silence. If your bedroom antics sound like a quiet game of chess, it might be time to channel your inner opera singer—or at least your inner human. Research shows that making noises during sex—moaning, sighing, gasping—isn't just something borrowed from dodgy movies. It's actually part of how humans communicate pleasure and desire. According to a study published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour, vocalizing during sex increases arousal for both partners and helps synchronize rhythm and Connection. Think of it this way: sex is a team sport. Your partner needs feedback to know how they're doing. Is this working? Should I keep going? Am I winning? Verbal and non-verbal sounds help keep everyone in the loop. Just a gentle reminder: try to avoid the 'dolphin.' That's the high-pitched, squeaky double gasp that sounds more like distress than delight. If your partner pauses and asks, 'Was that…good?'—you've dolphin-ed. Dial it back Break Out the Toys Toys aren't just for kids, folks. Adults have their own special collection—vibrators, rings, wands, plugs—and they're not only fun, but science says they're effective. All available from your friendly, discreet online store A study from the Kinsey Institute found that couples who use sex toys report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and communication. Why? Because toys can add novelty, intensify stimulation, and help people explore different kinds of pleasure. If you're someone who's toy-curious but hasn't taken the leap yet, start small. A little bullet vibrator or a silky blindfold can add excitement without intimidation. Already a toy enthusiast? Rotate your collection and try something new. Just like in cooking, a pinch of novelty can spice up the whole dish. Kegels: Not Just for the Ladies Let's hear it for the pelvic floor muscles. They're the unsung heroes of great sex. Kegel exercises—those little squeezes that strengthen the pelvic floor—are usually associated with post-baby recovery, but here's the scoop: everyone benefits from them. Yes, everyone. For women, Kegels can increase vaginal tone and enhance orgasm intensity. For men, stronger pelvic muscles mean better erections and improved control during sex. In fact, research published in The British Journal of General Practice found that Kegels helped men with erectile dysfunction significantly improve performance after just three months. The best part? You can do them anywhere—while watching Netflix, driving, or waiting in line at the grocery store. Just squeeze, hold, release. Repeat. Bonus points if no one notices. Add Some Variety (Yes, Even If You're Already Satisfied) If your go-to move in bed is starting to feel like ordering the same sandwich at the same café every single time, it's time to mix it up. Scientific studies repeatedly show that introducing variety into your sex life leads to higher levels of satisfaction, more frequent orgasms, and better connection between partners. This doesn't mean you need to recreate a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey (unless that's your thing)—just try a new position, a different room, or a little role-play. Lola Montez has a blow up wedge that is perfect for a position change. Not sure where to start? Here are a few simple swaps: Change the time of day. Morning delight, anyone? Play a sexy game or try fantasy storytelling. Watch erotic content together (something tasteful, not tacky). Explore mutual massage without a goal—just touch and tease. Your brain loves novelty—it boosts dopamine, the feel-good chemical associated with arousal and reward. So even small changes can fire up those circuits in new and exciting ways. Be Booze-Savvy Ah, the classic pre-date drink. Alcohol is often billed as a libido-lifter, and in small amounts, it can be! A glass of wine or a cocktail can reduce anxiety, loosen inhibitions, and increase desire. But—and this is a big but—more isn't better. Excessive alcohol consumption is a well-known arousal killer. It can dull sensitivity, impair performance, and even block orgasm entirely. There's a reason the phrase 'whiskey dick' exists. A study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine confirms that moderate drinking (think one drink, maybe two) might help you get in the mood, but going overboard can make that mood evaporate. So, sip smart. A little tipsy can be sexy; drunk and confused is not. Don't Skip the Afterglow Sex doesn't end at orgasm. In fact, what happens after can be just as important for your relationship. Research from the University of Toronto found that post-sex cuddling, talking, and affectionate touch increases satisfaction and emotional connection. That oxytocin rush—the bonding hormone released during sex—makes us more likely to feel close, loving, and secure. Resist the urge to immediately roll over and check your phone. Instead: Cuddle. Talk about how great that was. Share a laugh or a little pillow talk. Or just breathe together in a snuggly heap. It might feel like a small gesture, but it builds intimacy and keeps the emotional spark alive. And, as studies show, couples who cuddle after sex report higher relationship satisfaction overall. Your sex life doesn't have to be perfect—it just has to be yours. What matters most is that it's pleasurable, safe, and satisfying for you and your partner. These science-backed tips aren't commandments; they're just nudges toward more connection, more fun, and more moments. So go ahead: moan a little, try that new toy, squeeze your pelvic muscles like a pro, and schedule some cuddle time. Your body—and your partner—will thank you. P.S. Sex is natural, normal, and (spoiler alert) supposed to be enjoyable. Don't stress about doing it 'right.' Just be curious, kind, and open. The rest tends to follow.
Yahoo
26-03-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Non-monogamous people just as happy as monogamous people, study finds
Discussions of non-monogamy have boomed online in the past few years, as hookup apps like Feeld have made it easier for people to participate in "the lifestyle." As with any subject on the internet, though, there's been backlash to the non-monogamy hype. While some are looking for alternate relationship styles, others are trying to be tradwives who idealize monogamy and marriage. Even Feeld pointed out that, in research with the Kinsey Institute, that young adults fantasize about monogamy these days. SEE ALSO: How to get started with non-monogamy According to new research, however, they may not need to: An analysis of 35 studies involving over 24,000 people worldwide found no significant differences between monogamous and non-monogamous people. The peer-reviewed study published in The Journal of Sex Research states that both groups report similar levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives. These satisfaction levels remained consistent across different demographics like LGBTQ and heterosexual people and differing non-monogamy types like open relationships and polyamory. (We explain the differences in our introduction to non-monogamy.) "Monogamous relationships are often assumed to offer greater satisfaction, intimacy, commitment, passion, and trust than non-monogamous ones. This widespread belief — what we term as the 'monogamy-superiority myth' — is often reinforced by stereotypes and media narratives," lead author, associate professor Joel Anderson, a principal research fellow at the Australian Research Centre in Sexuality, Health, and Society at La Trobe University, said in the press release. "Our findings challenge this long-standing assumption outside of academia, providing further evidence that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships experience similar levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives as those in monogamous ones," Anderson continued. There were limitations to the study, however. They were all self-reported, so respondents could be swayed to respond a certain way to justify their life choices. Also, as the study relied on online sampling, that could've reduced its representativeness and generalizability, the press release stated. Despite these limitations, alternative relationship structures are unlikely to go away soon — and the same goes for social media conversations about them.
The Guardian
23-02-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Guardian
‘It could get an orgasm out of a cabbage': the best vibrators, tested
I could write here about how almost a fifth of women surveyed by Durex said using a sex toy was the most dependable way for them to climax. Or I could point out how Kinsey Institute research suggests regular masturbation can help relieve and prevent symptoms of menopause, such as vaginal atrophy. I could even tell you that studies demonstrate a significant correlation between intimate toy ownership and greater satisfaction – not only with sex but also with life itself. But the potted version is that orgasms and erotic pleasure are glorious, and top-class toys can help you savour more of both. So here are the best vibrators available. Scroll to the bottom to find out how I selected these vibrators from the 53 I tested for this piece. Best bullet vibrator overall:We-Vibe Tango X£79 at We-Vibe Best rabbit vibrator overall: Je Joue Hera Flex£87.20 at Je Joue Best wand vibrator overall: Doxy Die Cast By You£174.99 at Doxy I'm a multi-award-winning writer, broadcaster and educator with more than two decades of experience specialising in sexual wellbeing and culture. I've worked as an expert independent research and development consultant for more than a dozen adult product companies; I'm a board member of the Vagina Museum in London; I'm a campaigner for sexual health and gynaecological charities, including Terrence Higgins Trust and the Eve Appeal; and I helped write many of your favourite characters' lines about dildos, douching and desire in the hit Netflix series Sex Education. All this means I'm well qualified to assess whether these devices have been crafted decently. I'm also a freelancer who works from home. I'll leave it at that. Asking, 'What's the best sex toy?' is a bit like asking, 'What's the best tool?': a plethora exists, and selecting the most suitable one is influenced by what you want it to do. Here, I've examined three popular styles of vibrators. BulletsSmall, versatile vibrators for external use only. They're primarily designed for targeted clitoral stimulation but can be used to tickle nipples, glide up the insides of thighs, or take on a tour practically anywhere on the body (except inside the anus – that's not safe). WandsLarge vibrators with broad heads, again for external use only. Wands deliver the most powerful vibrations over a wide area – this sector is where you'll find the most bone-shaking master blasters on the market. Fantastic for people who need intense stimulation, and good for deep body massage, too. RabbitsThese vibrators have two parts: an insertable shaft, designed to stimulate inside the vaginal canal and excite the G-spot, and an external head that stimulates the clitoris. This 'dual stimulation' is intended to provoke a 'blended orgasm': a climax induced by mixing multiple forms of simultaneously delivered sensation. Best bullet vibrator overall: We-Vibe Tango X £79 at We-Vibe£79 at Amazon The original Tango came out about 15 years ago, and it's consistently remained so high up in expert rankings that by this stage it might have altitude sickness. Why we love it Its Goat status is justified: while many bullets offer 'buzzy', high-frequency vibrations that don't travel far into the body, the Tango is satisfyingly 'rumbly' for its size, providing additional lower-frequency stimulation that carries deeper into tissues and awakens more nerve endings. It packs a lot of oomph into its small size. This latest incarnation features a silicone grip to make it less slippery to hold, while the business end remains hard and glossy. There's nothing to muffle the vibrations: they're full-on and focused, which is exactly what tickles many people's pickles. Others may find the feeling too 'sharp', however. Three separate buttons to increase/decrease power and change pulse patterns make it easy to find the exact output to suit you. There's excellent variety between the settings, the lowest of which is more a brisk twitch than a vibration. Plus, a travel lock means you won't have to trot out the 'it must be my electric toothbrush!' line when your handbag starts humming. It's a shame that … the magnetic charger can be accidentally knocked off its connections, but it's more hygienic than a lead that needs to plug into a hole in the toy. Speeds: eightVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: two hoursCharge time: one hour and 30 minutes Waterproof: yesWarranty: two years Best bullet for innovation: Hot Octopuss AMO £49.95 at Hot Octopuss£49.95 at Amazon Another tiny yet mighty toy that, given its petite dimensions, is a powerful rumbler. Hot Octopuss is a skilled inventor: its suite of ingenious toys includes Pulse – the world's first 'Guybrator' that can induce orgasms from a flaccid penis as well as an erect one, proving a boon for cancer survivors, disabled people and others with erectile difficulties. Why we love itAMO's ingenuity is in the way it's sculpted, with a pointy tip for pinpoint pleasure; a broader head on the opposite side for more diffuse vibrations; and a fin-like profile for nestling lengthways between labia. It's made of silky silicone, which – unlike tougher plastics – won't hurt or slide around if you press down on it to apply extra pressure. It's a shame that … the battery life isn't better, and the payoff of the inventive contours is that the AMO can't be inserted into strap-ons, dildos or other toys that rely on a standard-shape bullet. Speeds: sixVibe patterns: fivePower: rechargeableRun time: 40 minutesCharge time: two to three hours Waterproof: yesWarranty: one year Best sustainable bullet: Love Not War Maya £89.99 at Love Not War£89.99 at Veo If you want to feel the earth move without harming the planet, Love Not War is your friend with benefits. Its Maya bullet is made from recycled aluminium in a hydroelectric-powered factory, and minimally packaged in a brown cardboard box printed with soy ink. Why we love itSeven different screw-on heads are sold separately to convert the bullet into, say, a mini wand or G-spot probe. Interchangeable efforts I've tried in the past have suffered from insufficiently strong motors, so they haven't been able to successfully transmit vibrations throughout each attachment, especially longer/larger ones. Love Not War is mounting an admirable battle against that challenge, however. It's a shame that … at £45 a pop, amassing a collection of heads will cost you a pretty penny – although the brand will plant a tree for each one sold. Speeds: fourVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: one hourCharge time: two hours Waterproof: yesWarranty: Love Not War will repair toys to keep them alive for as long as possible Best soft and sensual option: Smile Makers The Firefighter £44.95 at Boots£49.95 at Beauty Bay Bullets are often designed to treat the genitals like a game of darts: if the clitoris is the bullseye, they aim to hit it dead on. The Firefighter instead approaches stimulation more like a curling match: gently brushing, sweeping and edging towards a climax. Why we love itThe fluttering, flickering flame-shaped head will suit those who prefer a slow, delicate buildup before switching to the more traditional, targeted 'pointy finger' part of the toy. It's a shame that … it only comes in pink. The Surfer, another Smile Makers bullet, is a refreshingly unusual zesty orange. Speeds: fourVibe patterns: twoPower: rechargeableRun time: three hoursCharge time: two to two-and-a-half hours Waterproof: yesWarranty: two years Best budget bullet:The Rocks Off RO-90 £10.99 at Rocks Off£9.95 at Amazon Rocks Off makes a whole shooting range of cheap-and-cheerful battery-powered bullets. Take your pick of pointed, rounded, angled or lipstick-shaped tip; select a slick gloss, powdery matt or silicone finish; and choose from more colours than the fabric of Joseph's Dreamcoat, including one that changes from purple to pink in response to body heat. Why we love itIt's a fair amount of bang for very few bucks. I singled out the RO-90 as my best budget buy because the AAA battery it takes is much easier to source than the N-size variety inside the smaller RO-80 model. The slightly longer shaft makes it better suited to use for penetrative play, too, if that's your bag. Hats off to Rocks Off as well for its four-year collaboration with disability charity Enhance The UK to develop a truly accessible toy range, Quest. A 5% share of sales from that collection goes back to the charity. It's a shame that … single-button controls mean you have to cycle all the way through speeds/pulses to change them. I also question how the shiny metallic finishes might stand up to long-term cleaning. Speeds: threeVibe patterns: sevenPower: 1 x AAA batteryRun time: three hours 30 minutes Waterproof: yesWarranty: two years Best rabbit vibrator overall: Je Joue Hera Flex £87.20 at Je Joue£109 at Superdrug The Hera Flex is such a good problem-solver, it could probably win an algebra contest. Since everyone's anatomy is different and distances between vaginas and clitorises vary, a frequent dilemma with rabbits is that once the shaft is inserted, the external stimulator doesn't quite rest on the right spot. Many toys are too rigid to allow sufficient bending and angle adjustment to solve this issue. Why we love itThis Je Joue genius solves that: it's as flexible as a yoga master and both parts of it are poseable, allowing you to easily customise how it curves to fit your bits. Another irritating rabbit habit is that the 'ears' intended to tickle either side of the clitoris can pinch, poke or catch against sensitive flesh, depending on how your body happens to be built. Here, the Hera is a hero once more, replacing the traditional bunny head with a plush, spongy, smooth 'thumb'. If you're someone with a more frilly clitoral hood or labia that gets painfully pulled by rabbit ears, this could be a real thumbs up. A quality, thoughtfully re-engineered rabbit reboot. It's a shame that … there's a bit of a jump between the first two power levels. A steadier climb would be preferable. The squishiness of the Hera Flex won't suit folks who prefer firmer pressure on their hotspots, either. But as so often in the world of sex toys, that's rather like saying, 'people who prefer raspberries shouldn't choose this banana'; it's a question of taste, rather than a product being bad. Speeds: fiveVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: one hourCharge time: one hour and 30 minutesWarranty: one year Best for temperature titillation: Lovehoney Glow Bunny £79.99 at Lovehoney If you just want to use this toy as an old-school rabbit, it's a solid choice … but it also has new-fangled tricks up its sleeve. Why we love itThe temperature-play plate on the top of the shaft heats to 38C in less than two minutes, feeling almost like a warm tongue, and swiftly cools to 18C, giving a whole new meaning to 'Netflix and chill'. I imagine the cold setting could be particularly enticing during sweltering summer nights, and it works nicely for nipple play, too. It's a shame that … the power is perfectly acceptable, but not perfect for the power-hungry. Speeds: threeVibe patterns: fourPower: rechargeableRun time: one hour Charge time: three hoursWaterproof: yesWarranty: 100 days Best for air pulse stimulation: Womanizer Duo 2 £189 at Womanizer£189 at Boots Admittedly, this looks more like something Star Trek's Captain Picard should be at the helm of than a conventional rabbit. Rather than stimulating the clitoris with vibrations, the Duo 2 uses pulses of air to create a throbbing, sucking effect. Womanizer was the first to introduce this technology to the adult market in 2014, when it represented one of the most groundbreaking innovations in years. Why we love itThe firm continues to be a pioneer. This toy boasts multiple proprietary features, including 'Smart Silence': it will only turn on when in contact with skin. This means the battery life is preserved and you don't have to fumble to switch it off in a panic if your intimacy is interrupted. An Autopilot mode alternates between surprise pulse patterns and intensities to prevent masturbation from becoming predictable, while the Afterglow setting helps you gradually wind down post-climax, rather than simply switching off. It's a shame that … the shape takes getting used to, and there are now more intuitive (and affordable) suction and vibration rabbit toys available. That said, I believe the Duo 2 is worth mastering due to its god-tier-level exclusive features. Speeds: 14Vibe patterns: 10Power: rechargeableRun time: two hours Charge time: two hoursWaterproof: yesWarranty: five years Best for an innovative shaft: Satisfyer Air Pump Bunny 1 £58.95 at Satisfyer£39.97 at Amazon Satisfyer is known for two things. First, making excellent-quality, more affordable 'dupes' of aspirational high-end sex toys – almost like an Aldi version of Lelo and co. Second, and in contrast to the first, rolling out vast multitudes of its own novel inventions, including this Air Pump Bunny. Why we love itIt sports an inflatable shaft that can be enlarged by up to 15mm in diameter at the touch of a button, producing a 'filling' sensation that some find mind-blowing. This could be just the ticket if your orgasm is intensified by the presence of a girthy internal toy, giving your vaginal muscles something to clench around as the waves of climax hit (more common than is discussed), especially if you need to build up to having something wide inside you. Magnetic charging, smart buttons and a walloping 15-year warranty show this toy is more than just hot air. Sign up to The Filter Get the best shopping advice from the Filter team straight to your inbox. The Guardian's journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link. after newsletter promotion It's a shame that … it makes a noise like a car tyre inflator while it's pumping up, and sounds like your vagina is sighing mournfully as it deflates. Put the stereo on, because this toy's noises make for an inappropriate and distressing lovemaking soundtrack. Speeds: fiveVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: one hour Charge time: two hours 30 minutes Waterproof: yesWarranty: 15 years Best sustainable rabbit: Natural Love Company Senna £94.95 at the Natural Love Company In the past, eco-friendly toys have been well-intentioned yet disappointingly ineffectual, and with an unattractively hippy vibe. There was a wind-up vibrator that required eight minutes of hand-cranking and looked like something you'd find in an army medical tent, and a solar-powered bullet that had to stay attached to its charging panel to work. But now the Natural Love Company is making beautiful, talented toys, with eco credentials, including the incorporation of reclaimed ocean plastics and carbon-neutral delivery. Why we love itI was intrigued to check out the Senna after being impressed by the Yarrow: a willow-green rabbit with a thrusting head that's far more graceful-looking than this kind of gadget has any right to be. The Senna's undulating shaft mimics a 'come hither' motion, with swirling beads beneath a buttery-soft silicone covering, while the rabbit ears have been swapped for a little pulsating bean. It's another winner that'll give your knees the hippy shakes. It's a shame that … the crevices around the clitoral stimulating nub need extra attention to keep clean and bacteria-free between uses. Speeds: threeVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: one hour Charge time: two hoursWaterproof: yesWarranty: one year Best new animal: Snail Vibe Curve £119 at Sh!£119.99 at Love Honey A new animal enters the scene, with an ingenious take on how to tackle those pesky rabbit problems. Instead of bunny ears, the Snail Vibe Curve has a vibrating spiral 'shell' that rests externally on the clitoris. As you insert the internal shaft, this shell unrolls to maintain constant clitoral contact – check out the videos on Snail Vibe's website to see what I mean. You can enjoy penetration that's as shallow or deep as you wish or thrust the toy back and forth, without the clitoral stimulator slipping out of place. The Snail has received a glow-up for its Curve edition, with a ribbed texture applied to the shell; magnetic charging; and most usefully, the addition of a looped handle for easier handling. It has two pleasingly throbby motors on the shell and shaft, which can be independently controlled to fine-tune your experience, inside and out. It takes a while to find your way around a toy this curious, but the payoff is worthwhile. It's a shame that … the buttons are a fraction fiddly, and don't think about trombones during use or you won't be able to stop laughing. Speeds: five for each motorVibe patterns: five for each motorPower: rechargeableRun time: one hour Charge time: two hours Waterproof: yesWarranty: two years Best budget rabbit: Bondara Screwball Mon Amour £45.99 at Bondara An aesthetic homage to the popular Lelo Soraya 2 that costs a quarter of the price. The Screwball looks like a far posher, better-bred rabbit than it is, and it performs eyebrow-raisingly well for the price point. Why we love itWith separate motors driving the ears and shaft, it revs very respectably, and its controls can be locked for travel by pressing and holding the + and – buttons for three seconds. The hoop handle is intended for users to loop their fingers through, so their thumb rests naturally on the controls, but you could also thread silky bondage rope through it for … reasons. It's a shame that … Bondara recommends that the Screwball isn't left plugged in for more than four hours, to avoid impairing the battery over time. That's a pest if you want to charge overnight (or while you're at work). I wonder if this drawback might be applicable to a bunch of rechargeable sex toys, however, and other brands just aren't as diligent about warning us? Speeds: sixVibe patterns: 10Power: rechargeableRun time: 45 minutesCharge time: three hours Waterproof: splashproofWarranty: none, but faulty items may be returned within 180 days for refund or exchange Best wand vibrator overall:Doxy Die Cast By You £174.99 at Doxy As they say: go hard, or go home. The mains-powered Doxy Die Cast is arguably as hard as you can go. It's not for the faint of heart (or parts), but it's so powerful that it can probably conjure up an orgasm through walls. And speaking of your hopefully thick walls, you don't get 3,000-9,000 revs a minute of power without noise, so be aware this is loud enough to sound like you need a licence to drive it. Why we love itDoxy makes a rechargeable Die Cast (£164.99), and several superb smaller, lighter cordless wands, too. However, I'm recommending the plug-in version because its formidable power never stops. It has a three-metre lead, so it stretches most places you want it to go – if you're already considering a toy the size of a rounders bat, portability probably isn't a big concern. I've had a version for a decade and a half, and it's still impeccable. Nothing about the Die Cast is subtle, but I'd argue that the push for sex toys to be 'discreet' has roots in shame. Multiple women who've sought my advice for anorgasmia have called me, ecstatic, after my Doxy tipoff has tipped them over into their first ever climax: something unabashed that works is better than something understated that doesn't. Invest in the customisable By You edition, and get ready to rumble. It's a shame that … at 690g, it's heavy as hell. People without strong wrists or with problems like arthritis should explore wand-positioning cushions, such as those by Liberator and Sportsheets. Speeds: continuous progressionVibe patterns: variable escalating pulse modePower: mains-powered Waterproof: noWarranty: two years Best classy all-rounder: Lelo Smart Wand 2 £107.40 at LeloFrom £113.39 at Amazon Lelo is the Idris Elba of the adult toy arena: chic, almost universally considered attractive, and a reliably fantastic performer. Why we love itThis ergonomic delight is easy to wield and functions excellently as a massage gun in addition to its racier applications. It's elegant, intuitive to use and packs plenty of punch at the higher settings. It would have been my top pick were it not for the fact that I'm confident the Doxy could get an orgasm out of a cabbage. It's a shame that … the large Lelo wand will intimidate some folks: for some reason its curved rhino-horn shape makes it seem even heftier than a straight wand. Luckily, there's a medium size available too. Speeds: 10Vibe patterns: 10Power: rechargeableRun time: two hours (but I suspect that's only achievable for users who solely prefer the gentlest speed)Charge time: two hours Waterproof: yesWarranty: one year, plus a 10-year quality guarantee Best for long-distance lovers: Kiiroo ProWand £79.80 at Kiiroo The ProWand is a lightweight, velvety wand built to be comfortable for extended use – and boasting an impressive 10-hour-plus run time. Why we love itThe ProWand can be remotely controlled or connected to other compatible toys with the FeelConnect app, perfect for facilitating shared erotic experiences for lovers who live apart, or who frequently travel separately. I've worked with cybersecurity experts at Mozilla to investigate the hackability of internet-enabled sex toys, and the company's report says Kiiroo 'do[es] a pretty good job protecting users' privacy and security'. The glowing LED handle can be set to match the colour of lingerie and is dim enough to not illuminate that distracting pile of washing in the corner of your bedroom. It's a shame that … the app takes a second to get the hang of, although overall the setup and navigation are much simpler than others I've tried. Speeds: fiveVibe patterns: sixPower: rechargeableRuntime: 10+ hoursCharge time: four hoursWaterproof: yesWarranty: one year Best budget wand: So Divine Wicked Game £54.99 at So Divine£54.99 at Oxygen Boutique So Divine's versatile value wand includes the option for vibrations to be emitted from each end of the toy. Why we love itThis flexibility is a very good thing. Turn on the domed head at the top for external body massage or the insertable shaft at the bottom to enjoy penetration and internal stimulation. Despite this toy having dual motors, you can't run both ends at once – although only the most adventurous among us would need that. It's a shame that … this toy doesn't pack the power of pricier wands, and some prefer a material and design with more softness, flex and yield. However, it's a great entry-level wand that gives you a chance to experiment with different stimulation styles and learn what you like before investing in a deluxe toy for three times the price. Speeds: threeVibe patterns: sevenPower: rechargeableRun time: one hourCharge time: two hours and 30 minutes Waterproof: yesWarranty: two years At least 15 toys were tested in each category, with 53 tested in total. In addition to his links to love and lust, Saint Valentine is also the patron saint of beekeeping, so he would feel quite at home amid the cacophony of buzzing that soundtracked the production of this article. I discounted any products not made from body-safe materials, such as porous jellies that can harbour bacteria and dirt, or plastics containing phthalates, which have been linked to cancer and hormonal interference. I considered things such as whether each device lived up to the claims made by its manufacturer; how easy it was to position and control; how fast it charged and how long the battery lasted, where relevant; and how attractive, adaptable, powerful and comfortable it was. What I didn't do was automatically label a toy as a 'holy grail', or an 'almighty fail' if it didn't happen to float my idiosyncratic boat, or provide what I personally need to reach orgasm, through no inherent fault of its own. Deciding upon the 'best' vibrator is highly subjective, so I've tried to explain how different items might suit different folks. When making your own considerations, useful questions to ask include: Do I prefer gentle or potent vibrations (or both)? What styles of touch delight me, and do I want external or internal stimulation (or both)? What shape and size of toy will suit my body and my tastes? Do I want something simple, straightforward and intuitive, or experimental/multi-functional/tech-enabled? What materials and textures feel inviting to me? A note on volume: some reviews rate toys on how quiet they are, but I've NEVER met a vibe that's as near-silent as it says it is. For that reason, I've only pointed out when a toy is notably loud enough to sound like you've rented it from a builders' merchant. In almost all cases, you do have to put your hand in your pocket if you want the best. Strong motors, neat details and high-performance designs don't tend to come cheap. I believe pleasure should be accessible to all, though, so there's at least one budget option included in each category. It'll have some compromises, but it should give you plenty of 'Ooh!' for not much dough. Let me reassure you: using vibrators will not cause nerve damage to your genitals. However, if, over a prolonged period, you always reach for a toy when masturbating – particularly if it's a high-strength model like a mains-powered wand – you may inadvertently condition your body to become used to intense stimulation. Much like a curry fan who's been mainlining vindaloo and is then served a masala, the comparatively gentle feelings provided by fingers or partners may begin to feel less spicy, and you may struggle to orgasm without the potent or pinpointed vibrations with which you've become familiar. A similar problem arises for people with penises who hold themselves very tightly and use rough motions during solo play. American sex educator Dan Savage nicknamed this 'the death grip', and it can cause erectile dysfunction and difficulties ejaculating via the relative tenderness of intercourse. Luckily, solutions are simple. First: chill out on your vibrator use, to give your body time to reappraise the delights of the delicate. You may want to try a period of abstinence, where you return to manual masturbation without grabbing a toy. Or if you've been cranking your toy's power straight up to 11, try being a little less Spın̈al Tap and experimenting with softer speeds and patterns. Lubricant can help too, by cushioning sensitive tissues a little. If you find that sex without toys simply doesn't feel as good, another option is to involve your toys in sex. Contrary to many people's fears, vibrators can't replace the profound intimacy and thrill of being with another human being, but they can vastly enhance shared experiences – they're complementary co-pilots, not competitors. If you're someone who feels threatened by toys, it may help to think of them as specialist equipment. You wouldn't feel emasculated or belittled if you had to equip yourself with an axe to cut down a tree instead of just using your bare hands, right? Instead, it's more impressive to learn to wield that equipment like a pro; whether you want to chop timber or set your partner's night alight. Using the right apparatus the right way is the fastest route to successfully starting a fire. Ask your lover to show you how they like the toy to be positioned, and be eager to take on any feedback they give. Alix Fox is an award-winning writer and broadcaster specialising in sexual wellbeing and culture, with 20 years of experience in receiving dick pics sent not to titillate, but because the worried texter wants an informed opinion on a weird lump/rash/wart. She's currently writing her first book, Gripped – a deep dive into the most curious and compelling realms of sex and love that one early reader described as a 'horny Jon Ronson'. She legitimately has to rent a storage unit to house her collection of erotic apparatus. What's NSFW for you is probably just W for Alix
CNN
14-02-2025
- General
- CNN
The secret to great sex isn't really a secret. It's asking the right question, 81-year-old sex professor says
Want to have great sex? For world-renowned human sexuality professor Dr. William Yarber, now in his 41st year of teaching at Indiana University, there's no big secret. It comes down to asking and sharing with your romantic partner a mix of these magical words: 'How do you like to be touched?' and 'Here's how I like to be touched.' 'The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasurable touch,' said Yarber, 81, who is also lead author of 'Human Sexuality: Diversity in Contemporary Society,' the perennially assigned textbook that more than 300 universities and colleges use across the country. Some of Yarber's students have followed his advice and reported back to him over the years, he said: 'I tried it with my partner, and our intimacy is better.' 'Our pleasure is better.' 'It strengthened our relationship!' Now Yarber is longing for his own romantic relationship. He married Margaret Covher, a high school English teacher, in 2000, but she passed away in August 2021. As a couple, they were 'emotionally intimate,' he said. 'That was a real, powerful thing of our relationship.' They were close in age and enjoyed going to the theater and seeing movies, especially foreign films. Yarber and Covher had divorced by the time she suffered a stroke in 2017, but he became her primary caretaker. (He said they divorced because she wanted more independence, but they never stopped being involved with each other.) 'I still loved her,' he reflected. 'I wasn't looking for anyone else.' 'Extraordinary compassion for others' Now more than three years after her death, Yarber said he is lonely and hoping to find a partner who's excited to build a dynamic bond together, one that includes affection and mutual attraction. His friends agree he's ready. 'Bill has so many wonderful qualities,' said Dr. Justin Garcia, executive director and senior scientist at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, who has worked closely with Yarber since 2013, via email. 'He's extremely social, curious, determined, generous, and has a contagious humor,' Garcia added. 'He also has impeccable fashion — one of the best dressed professors on campus! But the character trait that defines him best, I think, is his extraordinary compassion for others.' About 1 in 2 adults in the United States report experiencing loneliness, and the highest rates of social isolation are found among older adults. But finding romance, a challenge at any age, comes with its own set of complications for men and women in their seventh, eighth and ninth decade of life. Because the pool of potential mates is smaller at Yarber's age, any search for a new companion or romantic partner requires a bit more creativity, said Dr. Jeffrey Kullgren, director of the University of Michigan National Poll on Healthy Aging. 'I would encourage older adults to think beyond just their own generation,' said Kullgren, perhaps by joining organizations that attract people from different age groups to expand their social circle. 'It may not be the person you meet,' he added. 'It may be somebody else they know. I think a lot of us can talk about that in our own lives and relate to that (idea of the) person who sets you up with somebody else.' 'An entirely new arena for courtship' Yarber has tried this intergenerational approach, primarily through his university colleagues, though he draws the line with receiving help from well-meaning students. He's also tried to navigate dating apps, which didn't exist when he last dated. 'Dating apps and websites are the most common way singles today are meeting partners, and that is true across a wide range of demographics, including for those 50 years of age and older, who have been a rapidly growing demographic of dating app users,' Garcia said. 'For many older singles, this is an entirely new arena for courtship,' he added. 'While they may know what they want, and how they want to interact, the tools for finding someone and for letting yourself be found' are new. The limits Yarber is putting on his search may be thwarting his efforts. He would prefer to stay in Bloomington, Indiana, where he teaches, but he's not closing the door entirely to the idea of moving. 'I'm not looking for that situation, but it could happen,' he said. Yarber considers himself an optimist who works hard at taking care of his physical and mental health. For those who might be interested, he told CNN that he's in 'good shape for my age' and has 'a good diet' that makes him look a bit younger than people might expect. He also wants more than companionship. Yarber agrees with the majority of older adults who say that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship at any age and it's easy for him to envision his daily routine when he finds this elusive new partner. 'Oh, it just changes my life, ' he said, smiling. 'I have more zip in my step!'
