Cheers – of a kind – when Susan Calman went to the Glasgow pub

The Herald Scotland

10 hours ago

The bromance between the President of the United States and the Richest Man on the Planet has combusted in spectacular fashion, with both combatants firing missiles of reinforced spleen at each other across the No Man's Land of social media.
Donald disses, Elon hisses.
And the Diary grieves to see the former chums become so churlish, for we were secretly hoping that they would be a solid double act for life, like The Krankies… or Gary Lineker and his ego.
On the other hand, it can't be denied that the spectacle of two (allegedly) mature men scrapping as though they're in the final act of the latest blockbuster from the Marvel Cinematic Universe has its entertainment value.
As every student of classical theatre knows, drama is conflict.
And talking of all things theatrical, here's a few of the Diary's favourite tales from our archives…
Everyone's a critic
Glasgow lawyer turned comedian Susan Calman once admitted she appreciates the honesty of the citizens of her home town.
After appearing on TV show Have I Got News for You, she went into her South Side local – 'no food, no music, no fun, but the barmaid goes to the bookie's for you' – where she was beckoned over by two wizened old regulars who told her they'd seen her on the telly, and added: 'You weren't as awful as we thought you'd be.'
Ashes to ashes
The Edinburgh Fringe fast approaches, meaning plenty of ropey shows and dopey performers clogging up the streets of Scotland's Capital in the hope of future fame and fortune.
We recall when Braindead Theatre Company first appeared at the Festival with a show called Cigarettes and Chocolate.
On arrival in Edinburgh they excitedly unpacked and headed for the Royal Mile to publicise the show, with one actor in a seven-foot foam cigarette costume.
Within minutes a member of the public had put a lighter to the giant ciggy with the chap inside it.
Working world woes
The day after an office party one chap said to his pal that he unfortunately told his boss that he reminded him of Santa.
'That doesn't sound too bad,' said his mate.
'What I actually said,' replied the pal, ' was that he was fat and only worked one day of the year.'
Musing about boozing
A group of young women were dithering over their drinks selection in a Glasgow bar when the chap behind them said to his pal: 'How can they not know what they want to drink? I've known since I got to work this morning what I wanted to drink eight hours later.'
Facing the music
A performer in Glasgow once asked his audience: 'How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?'
He answered himself: 'Put sheet music in front of him.'