How to survive a holiday with the in-laws

Telegraph

10-07-2025

More and more of us are taking what can be a cost-effective option of holidaying with relatives. Last year, a survey by John Lewis Money found that 51 per cent of respondents had holidayed with at least three generations. So, it's likely there will be more than a few of us spending our precious annual leave with grandchildren or grandparents this summer.
Clearly there's a money-saving aspect to this, but holidaying across the ages also brings plenty of feel-good moments. But while a whole-family getaway might sound both economical and appealing on paper, is the reality true? Or might there be arguments by teatime on day one?
Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist and author, believes we should all be aware of the potential pitfalls. 'Multi-generational holidays can be full of memories and bonding,' she says, 'but also simmer with stress if we're not mindful of everyone's different needs and could be a foundation for new and old rifts.'
In June, me, my husband Chris, 43, and our sons Will, 11, and James, nine, set off on a self-catering holiday in Scotland with Chris's mum, Lizz, 67, and stepdad Stephen, 68. Friends raised their eyebrows when I explained we were holidaying with the in-laws over half-term.
And I understand why. It's one thing to plan a trip with relatives you love dearly but don't usually see for more than a few hours at a time, it's quite another to share living space and routines for an extended period.
But there are ways to make an interfamily trip run smoothly – or as smoothly as it can. Firstly, if you are hoping to nap all day while your in-laws like exploring ancient history, you're off to a dodgy start. We were all upfront with each other about what our preferred plans were, what might be nice to do, and what we really didn't fancy.
I was vocal, for example, when a trip to visit an underground bunker got mentioned, and my mother-in-law had a hankering for visiting farm shops while the kids were clamouring to build forts on the beach – whatever the weather.
Be honest
From the very early discussions about going away together, there were parameters in place. My in-laws were adamant separate bathrooms would be required; we all wanted a holiday let in easy reach of the coast; the boys wanted space to be able to have a kickabout and I hoped to be able to squeeze in a run or two.
Mathur, whose next book The Good Decision Diary is published August 7, says getting an idea of what family members would like is key. 'The earlier you discuss expectations, the better,' she advises. 'These conversations don't have to be formal at all, but simply checking in on what everyone hopes for can make a huge difference.
'Does someone need a nap every afternoon? Does someone else hope that the cooking responsibilities might be shared? Are you hoping for some kid-free time? If so, make that clear. Clearing the air before the trip allows you to find compromises ahead of time.'
If one party has a more, let's say, exacting eye on accommodation, let them steer that research. It's fair to say that my in-law took the reins with this, but I'd argue their self-catering standards are higher than ours. Hence, in the interests of everyone being happy, this made sense.
Personal space
Aside from the second bathroom, enough room for everyone to relax was key. Stephen did a great job of securing a holiday let with plenty of living space. We may have dreamed of staying in a coastal cottage, but with six pairs of trainers cluttering up the hallway from the second we arrived, it was clear we'd have been on top of each other.
The grown-ups could read (or doze) in a garden room while the kids watched TV in the living room. We'd all come together for a game or a meal, but everyone could decompress separately too.
Mathur says that finding space to be able to gather, but also being able to retreat again, is key. 'Cosy can sound like a lovely idea, but a bit of space really helps,' she says.
'A second bathroom, a room to retreat to for quiet or have a bath without feeling like you need to rush, or simply a garden where someone can read a book alone.
'These pauses help regulate everyone's nervous systems,' she adds. 'Especially when you're not together all the time in daily life, the adjustment needs a little breathing room.'
You can't all be mum...
Chores are part and parcel of a self-catering holiday, and potentially a flashpoint too. For us, the division of who did what soon became clear. Lizz oversaw the food, helped mostly by Chris with the food prep.
Mathur advises to routinely check that everyone is OK with the status quo so that no one ends up stuck in the kitchen simmering with resentment. 'Talking about it ensures that there will be fewer crossed wires, backseat drivers and overbearing sous chefs.'
For us, it was clear: too many cooks do spoil the broth. I was happy to relinquish my usual role in the kitchen, instead turning up armed with tins and baked goods. Chris and I rolled up our sleeves to help out when needed and for clearing up duties, as well as making breakfast each morning and emptying the dishwasher. Stephen, meanwhile, took responsibility for looking after the rather complicated bin system.
While I may have felt momentary guilt that my mother-in-law was preparing most of the meals, this did free me up to help out in other ways and meant I could dash down to the beach with the children.
According to Mathur, the division of labour can take many forms: 'Instead of seeing it as stepping back, think of it as shifting roles,' she says. 'You can support in ways that feel more natural to you. For example, if someone thrives on meal planning, maybe you take the reins on playtime or laundry. Contribution can look different for everyone.'
Obviously, there might be times when no one wants to cook. When that happened, we went to the pub!
Be realistic
Often, we expect our holidays to be rose-tinted relaxed perfection. But the usual family needs aren't something you can leave at home. Let's face it, lie-ins are going to be unlikely if you are holidaying with under-fives. And children will likely get whiny if expected to stay up way beyond their usual mealtimes.
Mathur suggests going into any holiday with your eyes open will make all the difference. 'We can easily build up the idea of the dream break, but real life rarely looks like that,' she notes. 'When we expect everything to feel idyllic, we're more likely to feel frustrated when tiredness, tantrums or tension bubble up.'
Holidaying with kids is all about spending quality time in the fresh air; a chance to burn off energy is essential. All the adults knew this, so walks, scrambling over rocks and a trip to an adventure playground all featured in our stay.
Different dynamics
It's often assumed that families only go away with grandparents for the free babysitting. And, yes, Chris and I did have a couple of hours at the pub one evening, something we couldn't have done without Lizz's and Stephen's help. But I'd argue Will and James had more fun off the parental leash anyway!
If our sons got bored, we were all in for a less enjoyable time. But with a bit of divide-and-conquer, we could wear out the lads on the beach as they ran, jumped, dug, played and peered into rockpools. Those less keen on the beach got to have a quiet coffee and had lunch ready for the beachgoers' return.
With more adults to cover food shopping, James and Will were both delighted to not be dragged around supermarkets and Grandma was able to read James a story at bedtime too.
A pleasant surprise
I knew that we'd probably all enjoy our time away, but the added dynamic of another generation delivered some unexpected outcomes. Ordinarily, we'd be on the receiving end of moaning and eye-rolling from the boys if we'd brought out a board game.
Not on this holiday. There was minimal bickering and the presence of Grandma and Grandpa meant both boys were happy to play Cluedo for well over an hour without anyone getting stroppy. There was no whingeing and more laughter.
There were lovely memories made, too. I leaned against rocks watching as Chris taught Will and James how to skim stones with Grandpa's help. And Chris and Lizz got several chances to have full conversations that just don't really occur over a busy family Sunday lunch or when the weeks flash by.
Moreover, all four adults had the chance to sit down to do word games and a crossword at the same time each day: something I'd never make the time for at home.
Chris and I left feeling way more relaxed than we do after our usual family-of-four break. Was it because four adults pitched in to help out with the necessary tasks? Or did multiple generations together mean a more leisurely pace?
Mathur concludes by pointing out that by involving more of the family, the usual patterns are replaced. 'Multi-generational holidays can offer connection across generations that just doesn't happen in everyday life,' she notes.
'Children might see a slower, softer version of their grandparents. Parents might feel relief from the daily solo juggle. When you strip away the usual logistics, there's room for slower moments that become the memories that last.'
Where to stay
Looking for a property that's big enough to host the whole brood? Try these...
Cornwall
The Ark, Southwold: sleeps six
Price: £2,736 for four nights
Book via Rural Retreats ruralretreats.co.uk
Northumberland
Postmaster's Apartment, Alnwick: sleeps nine
Price: from £234 per night
Book via Airbnb
North Wales
Plas Iolyn – Pentrefoelas near Betws-y-Coed: sleeps 14
Price: from £2,311 for seven nights
Book via sykescottages.co.uk
Scotland
Haven House, Argyll and Bute: sleeps 10
Price: from £3,180 for seven nights
Book via sykescottages.co.uk
The Cotswolds