‘Our son pocketed a £30k loan and cut us off from our grandchildren'

Telegraph

2 days ago

When James* and Alice's* first grandchild was born, they stepped in without hesitation to help with childcare. For the next decade, they would see their two grandchildren three or four times a week for trips to the beach or to the park and to babysit.
Three years later, in 2005, his son decided to fulfil his dream of emigrating to Australia with his young family.
'We knew we would only have limited contact with the grandchildren when they were growing up and would miss them terribly, but their happiness and welfare was paramount,' says James. To help support their son, they agreed to loan him £30,000 for a house deposit. 'It was virtually all our life's cash savings,' he adds.
A few months later, James fell seriously ill. While he was in hospital, their son informed them he had found a house and needed the money that day. Alice felt she had no choice but to leave her husband's bedside to transfer the funds. 'I could have died a few hours later. I was self-employed. We might not have got a full pension, might not have been able to sell the business, and poor Alice would have had no savings left as a widow,' James says.
His son's marriage ended before they emigrated. After renting out the house he had purchased in Australia for six years he sold it for a profit. But he asked if he could hold on to the money to purchase a house in the UK with his new partner, with whom he had welcomed James and Alice's third grandchild. James and Alice agreed.
When they asked for the money back, their son claimed it had been a gift all along. 'We know we never declared it as a gift,' they say. But with nothing in writing, the money was gone. 'We never saw the £30,000 again.'
James and Alice felt used. 'The betrayal is beyond words.'
Their already strained relationship with their son quickly deteriorated further. James and Alice's new daughter-in-law informed them that they had been substituted as grandparents by her parents. 'It was just all about her family,' they say. 'She just didn't want to integrate with our side of the family at all.'
James and Alice's access to their grandchildren became increasingly restricted, until suddenly they were cut off altogether.
'Our grandchildren were used as a weapon'
Money can tear families apart – from family loans to disputed inheritance – leaving grandparents locked out and grandchildren caught in the crossfire.
Research by the social network Gransnet found that one in seven grandparents in the UK are estranged from their grandchildren, with an estimated two million grandparents denied contact. Over a third, 37pc, haven't seen their grandchildren in more than five years.
The reasons vary from emotional abuse and personality clashes to mental health issues and family disputes. In the survey, 64pc blamed their child's partner for the problems. But time and again, money plays a part.
In 2018, Nigel Huddleston, a Conservative MP, said in Parliament that 'when access to grandchildren is blocked, some grandparents call it a kind of living bereavement'.
After two serious allegations of verbal abuse, James' and Alice's offers to pay for third-party mediation were rejected. For more than a year, they were denied all contact. 'The grandchildren were always used as a weapon,' they say. Left with no other option, they went to court.
Grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren. But Ministry of Justice figures show a 25pc rise in applications to court by grandparents since 2017.
James and Alice were among the few success stories – if it can be called that. A contact order granted them access once every four weeks for 60 minutes. The process cost them around £5,000.
'I don't want the money. I just want to see my grandchildren'
Rose has a similar story. When her son-in-law got into debt, she loaned him £60,000 without question. At the time, it didn't cross her mind to get anything in writing and, not wanting to worry her daughter with whom she had a turbulent relationship at the time, she decided not to tell her.
Years later, her daughter rang her in tears with bailiffs at the door. Her husband hadn't paid any bills for six months. Rose paid off the debts and confessed to her daughter about the previous loan. When her son-in-law found out she had confessed about the loan, Rose was instantly cut off from seeing her grandchildren.
Rose took the matter to court, spending £12,000 on legal fees. But she withdrew her case after learning she was distressing her granddaughter, which she now regrets.
'Somehow I signed away rights to see my grandchildren until they're 18,' she says. Rose is now 87. 'Whether I'll live that long, I don't know,' she says. 'But I just keep thinking I've got to live long enough to see my granddaughter.'
She has also never seen the £60,000 loan again.
'I've said I don't want it now. I don't want the money. I just want to see my grandchildren.'