What is a ‘pick-me girl'? Here's what you need to know

Cosmopolitan

4 hours ago

A 'pick-me girl' wants nothing more than to set herself apart from other women, even if that means embracing the male gaze and denouncing the parts of herself that are inherently associated with femininity. A sister to the 'cool girl' (remember that monologue from Gone Girl?) and the 'not like other girls' girl, a 'pick-me girl' will place value on activities, interests, and habits traditionally championed by straight, cisgender, heterosexual men — sometimes to their own detriment.
The vibes are much more, 'Let's play video games and split a six-pack' and much less, 'Let's watch Love Is Blind, look up our astrological compatibility with our crushes, and place hexes on our exes'. You know, just girlie things.
In a nutshell, subconsciously or intentionally, a 'pick-me girl's' hope is to garner attention from the men she knows by distancing herself from all other women and their 'cringe', feminine behaviours. Instead, they zero in on stereotypical masculine interests and takes, even if they don't actually believe or support them.
This trope was popularised in early 2000s romcoms, where love interests single out young women who are uninterested or oblivious to their femininity, which makes her 'unlike anyone they've ever met', and therefore, more attractive. But it's also ever-present today in pop cultural depictions of girlhood. Take a show like Euphoria, where Sydney Sweeney's character Cassie is often dismissed as one-note, surface-level, and boy-obsessed.
Think about Amanda Bynes' character in What A Girl Wants, Lindsay Lohan's performance in Freaky Friday, and Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You. I would never dream of insulting my go-to nostalgic classics, but these female protagonists all have something very important in common: They're 'cool girls', who are presented to the viewer as the antithesis of their girlier antagonists or foils.
The term 'pick-me' first started on Twitter under the hashtag #TweetLikeAPickMe, which was used to mock women who fall under the 'guys' girl' category, especially those who consider themselves to be 'wifey' material. The phrase experienced a renaissance (pickmeissance?) among Gen Z in 2022, with the hashtag #PickMeGirl garnering 2.2 billion views on TikTok, and an infamous 2005 monologue by Grey's Anatomy's Meredith Grey inspiring a satirical trend on the app.
While not all women who prefer to wear a jersey over a sundress fall under the 'pick-me girl' category, the concept comes from the idea that these women want to be chosen by the men they surround themselves with — badly. They, either consciously or subconsciously, adapt their personalities to appeal to the male gaze. She isn't just someone with traditionally masculine likes and dislikes — she's someone whose intentions are to centre men in her decision-making process.
According to certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, the male gaze refers to scenes and social settings that are specifically designed to cater exclusively to heterosexual men, usually for the purpose of sexual pleasure. Think: the way Bond women are written into the movie franchise as these hyper-sexual beings that function as little more than walking props. But Francis reminds us that the male gaze is more than just an interest in arousing men — and isn't limited to content created by men.
'It's a lens on the world that prioritises, centres, and makes ubiquitous a rigid and stereotyped perspective that men's pleasures and interests are paramount, often at the expense of the needs, wants, or even humanity of others,' Francis says.
Although the impulse to behave this way can often be due to issues of low self-esteem caused systematically by the patriarchy, 'pick-me' girls can subconsciously contribute to this system instead of working to dismantle it. For example, this can look like criticising conventional femininity by calling it cringey or basic. Think: hating on the girlies who love Taylor Swift or Starbucks seasonal drinks (pumpkin spice is delicious, let the people like what they like!), or calling themselves 'guy's girls' because women are just 'too much drama'. In both scenarios, the pick-me girls may be seeking validation from men in order to feel accepted, rewarded, and desired, while ragging on other women.
But you'd have an easier time getting Glastonbury tickets than finding an area of social life that hasn't been touched by patriarchy, a societal organisation system that places men — particularly heterosexual, cisgender men — at the top. 'If men were to abide by the rules of patriarchy, relationships rooted in kindness, trust, support, and mutual respect wouldn't be possible for heterosexual women,' Francis says. 'Women would be expected to participate in the relationships in whichever ways would please him.'
By choosing to spend their time supporting belief structures that may not actually serve them, 'pick-me' girls may be unknowingly contributing to upholding patriarchy.
Internalised misogyny — when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and themselves — can sometimes be difficult to spot in a patriarchal society. In fact, women can even project internalised misogyny while being aware of the male gaze, and one way this plays out today is by picking apart other women.
For the 'pick-me girl', the internalised misogyny may materialise as a subconscious competitiveness. 'When a girl notices there are a plethora of other women for men to choose from, a painful and scary feeling can take root in the brain,' says sex and relationships therapist Tiffany Jones. 'To avoid future feelings of rejection, the mentality is born within the girl that if she demeans the concept of a typical woman, most men will pick her out of all the available ones to choose from.'
According to Jones, 'pick-me' girls seek out male attention in order to feel safe. But in order to prove that other women are non-threatening, they must first invalidate them.
By the same token, internalised misogyny can also look like labelling other women as 'pick-me' girls, or choosing to mock them on social media, instead of recognising the larger social order impacting their behaviour: the patriarchy. In some ways, by pointing the finger at 'pick-me' girls, women are also upholding the same oppressive system. Feels a little like a vicious cycle, doesn't it?
By rejecting labels of what's traditionally 'feminine' or 'masculine' altogether and becoming attuned to their own wants, needs, and desires, women can avoid catering to the male gaze and begin dismantling the patriarchy in their everyday lives. Essentially, being true to yourself and your interests no matter what other people might think, and respecting others while they do the same. There is no need to criticise other women for liking what they like. It's important to notice when men do, and to then decide if a romantic relationship is really something worth pursuing.
'Continue working to support your friends and other women,' Jones says. 'When possible, shed gender norms, stereotypes, and walls of invalidation. And offer yourself to be a safe space for other women to speak freely and be transparent in your own needs.'
By actively recognising the patriarchal structures that inherently impact the way we've been socialised to make decisions — while taking into account race, class, and other intersectional privileges — women can come together and make intentional decisions that further empower themselves and discover what they enjoy, think, and believe, free from restraint. And instead of waiting to be chosen, we can choose ourselves.
Iman Hariri-Kia is a writer, editor, and author born and based in New York City. A recipient of the Annabelle Bonner Medal and a nationally acclaimed journalist, she covers sex, relationships, identity, and adolescence. Her work has appeared in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Nylon, Bustle, and more. Her debut novel, A Hundred Other Girls, was published in July 2022 to critical acclaim. You can connect with her on Instagram and TikTok.