Asking Eric: Soon to be ex-husband asking for alimony
Dear Eric: My oldest daughter is going through a rough divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is asking for alimony, extra expenses and basically putting her through the ringer, because he thinks she owes it to him due to her infidelity. She met her new boyfriend when she was still married.
This has put my grandchild in a difficult and confusing situation. He is 17 years old, and he loves both his parents. He feels he has to be loyal to his dad, because his dad says he is the victim. But he also acknowledges that he has never seen his mother so happy. They had a contentious marriage that made her quite anxious and unhappy.
I want to help my grandson navigate through this challenging time. What kind of advice can I give him?
– Worried Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: I'm so glad your grandson has you to help him during this time. He needs a trusted adult nearby who can tell him things he really needs to hear. Things like: 'It's not right that you're being put in the middle of this contentious divorce' and 'I know it's hard to hear negative things about your parents and I'm sorry' and 'No matter what you do, you're not being disloyal to either parent. They have a responsibility to show up for you and make sure you know you're loved unconditionally. They might fail at that – they're human – but when they do, remember that this isn't something that you caused.'
Most of all, remind him that he doesn't have to pick a side. Divorce is hard and your son is seeing new sides of his parents and that's going to take some getting used to. Robert E. Emery writes in the book 'The Truth About Children and Divorce,' 'children whose parents put them first from the start have a tremendous advantage over those whose parents cannot separate their feelings about their failed marriage from their feelings about the co-parenting partnership that will last the rest of their lives.' That didn't happen here, but you can make sure your grandson knows that he's a priority for you.
While the way he's being leveraged by his father is very inappropriate, it provides an opportunity for you to guide your grandson through an important part of growing up: seeing his parents as humans. Like all humans, they make mistakes sometimes, they give into their worst instincts, and they can fail the ones they're supposed to protect. This doesn't make them unworthy of love. Help your grandson to develop internal boundaries while you advocate on his behalf with the adults in his life. This will help him to have healthier relationships with his parents and with future partners.
Dear Eric: I was in a relationship with my ex, Yves, for about five years. During that time, we were well-off and supported each other. Yves eventually ghosted me without explanation, though I can admit we weren't as close as we had been at the start of our relationship.
Later, a friend, who is a close relative of Yves, mentioned that Yves was now dating someone named Tiffany. The situation took an unexpected turn a few months later when Tiffany called me asking for money. She said she needed help with rent because Yves refused to lend her any. Tiffany mentioned that she knew about Yves' wealthy ex-girlfriend and was seeking my assistance. When I told her this wasn't my concern, she argued that since we both dated Yves, we should be mutual friends. Yves is a great person, but should I trust Tiffany?
– Confused Single
Dear Single: Oh, how I wish I could put up a billboard in your town that reads 'For the love of all that is good, dear letter writer, please do not give Tiffany so much as the time of day.'
Yves ghosted you after five years? Unacceptable. Cruel and immature. And then Yves told his new girlfriend to ask you for money? Where is he getting the gall? Is there a gall mine in your town?
Tiffany's core assertion – you should be friends because you dated the same person – doesn't make any sense. And I wonder what Tiffany thinks you have in common besides Yves and, she hopes, the money. I think these people are trying to manipulate you. Don't let them.
Dear Eric: Regarding the letter from 'Happy Family', who was looking for a 'snappy comeback' for relatives wondering why/when/if her daughter plans to be married, I suggest the comeback be 'why would you ask that?' putting a bit of a spotlight on the intrusiveness of the question. Regardless of the inquirer's response, a simple 'huh' or 'I see' ends the conversation.
– Comeback Again
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