Relationships and ... menopause: ‘Small gestures of love can go a long way during this time of change'
The average age of perimenopause, the period before
menopause
, is 45 years, with menopause expected by the (average) age of 51. However, for some women, menopause occurs later, with late-onset menopause considered to be after the age of 55. While this is not a medical condition and is considered to be a 'natural variation in timing', menopause occurring later in life can bring its own unique challenges for women and their
relationships
.
'Menopause later in life can present both emotional and practical challenges for a couple, stemming from changes in hormone levels, physical symptoms, and the emotional impact of experiencing menopause. These challenges can affect intimacy, communication and overall relationship dynamics,' says Sharmila Dutt, an individual and couples' psychotherapist and psychosexual therapist at the
Evidence-Based Therapy Centre
in Galway.
The exact cause of late onset menopause is not fully understood, but there are several factors which may play a role in menopause occurring later than average. Concerns such as genetics, higher body mass index, reproductive history, ovarian reserve and lifestyle factors can all affect the timing of menopause.
The conversations of perimenopause, menopause and postmenopausal life are highlighted by the increasing number of women actively supporting themselves in their menopause years. For those in relationships it can be a double-edged sword, as they may have the support of a caring partner. However, menopausal symptoms can also complicate that relationship. This is compounded by an onslaught of information in recognising the symptoms of menopause, with some suggesting there are 34 main symptoms and others claiming there are upwards of 50.
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'There are still lots of women who don't understand what's happening to them at the menopause stage,' says Dutt. 'I am left with the question: if women don't understand what is going on for them, what chance do their partners have? Sadly, we still don't talk about menopause until it comes along. Menopause should be included in the curriculum and discussed openly at home and in the workplace so that we all understand this is a natural stage of life we all need to prepare for.'
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Dutt has witnessed partners struggle to understand menopause as they often don't know what questions to ask due to their lack of knowledge. 'Menopause is different for every woman, and the array of issues and symptoms they experience will be different. For their partners they have no clue about any of this,' she says.
There are many reliable resources available for couples, such as the
HSE Menopause Policy
and a
Mental Health Ireland guide
. Both partners should equally educate themselves about the physiological and psychological changes of menopause.
Sharmila Dutt.
'From experience when working with couples, this needs to be navigated with tenderness, empathy and lots of understanding by them both,' says Dutt. 'How they engage with each other and the language they use is important. I ask them to jointly look at exercise and lifestyle changes and how they can spend time together or how they socialise.'
Menopause brings emotional and practical challenges which can potentially strain a relationship with feelings of distance or guilt for a couple. Mood changes and irritability, loss of libido and physical discomfort, low self-esteem, fear of ageing and abandonment, and changes in intimacy can all influence how a couple communicate, connect, and grow together.
Foster patience, empathy and understanding as both partners navigate the various challenges menopause can bring
—
Sharmila Dutt
The practical challenges of menopause include night sweats and sleep disturbances, fatigue and reduced energy levels, memory and concentration problems, changes in physical appearance, and increased need for self-care, all of which can affect a relationship.
'Couples in their 60s can thrive during menopause by prioritising open communication, focusing on individual and couple wellbeing, and seeking support when needed,' says Dutt. 'This involves addressing potential challenges like changes in intimacy, managing physical symptoms, and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling lifestyle together.'
With the multitude of symptoms women may feel isolated, misunderstood, and deeply frustrated by the strain these symptoms place on their relationships. Relationships can feel fragile, and quite often this leads to resentment, miscommunication and feelings of inadequacy on both sides.
When asked what a couple can do when a woman is struggling with this change as it affects her career or retirement, a potentially waning sex drive, and the possibility of illness, among other issues, Dutt says, 'This is an insightful question highlighting the ripple effect menopause can have on a woman's life and, by extension, her relationship.'
If a new career is on the cards, or the potential to retire, Dutt suggests collaborative planning should be considered for the couple. 'If career changes or retirement are being thought about due to menopausal symptoms like brain fog and fatigue, the couple should discuss these options together,' says Dutt. 'This ensures both partners feel heard and involved in the decision-making process.'
Practical help such as networking, conducting job searches, or exploring new interests for retirement can help as couples adjust their plans and expectations. 'This might mean the woman needs more flexibility in her work schedule or a different approach to retirement than initially envisioned,' says Dutt.
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Dutt is conscious that intimacy is crucial in a relationship, and that it can be a sensitive topic. As such, open and honest communication is key. 'Discussing changes in libido, discomfort, or other related issues without blame or pressure is essential,' she says.
'I would invite couples to explore different forms of intimacy,' she continues, noting that physical intimacy isn't solely about intercourse. 'Couples can explore other ways to connect emotionally and physically, such as cuddling, massage, or simply spending quality time together.'
Sometimes, issues are beyond a couple's control or comprehension. Dutt suggests that if changes in sex drive are causing significant distress, couples should consider consulting a psychosexual therapist or a doctor that specialises in menopause issues as there may be medical or therapeutic interventions that can help.
Menopause is a significant time period in a woman's life when conscious choices need to be made to offset illness or health complications. Dutt asks couples what prioritising their health together could look like for them both. 'By asking this question it can motivate a couple to think about healthy lifestyle choices together,' she says. 'This could be balanced nutrition, regular exercise that suits both of their energy levels, and sufficient sleep.'
Partners often don't realise the importance of offering practical support during times of illness or difficult menopause. Dutt sayswhen appropriate, a partner can attend doctors' appointments for support and to gain a better understanding of any health concerns related to menopause.
Dutt encourages couples to engage in an open and honest dialogue when it comes to navigating menopause. 'Foster patience, empathy and understanding as both partners navigate the various challenges menopause can bring,' she says. 'Remember, this is a transition for both individuals within the relationship. Showing affection and appreciation should not be forgotten.
'Small gestures of love can go a long way in strengthening the bond during this time of change. By focusing on open communication, mutual support, and a willingness to adapt, couples can navigate the challenges of menopause late in life and even deepen their connection.'
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