Latest news with #psychotherapy
The Guardian
15 hours ago
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Therapy isn't about life hacks. The best solutions are simpler
When people seek therapy – and I know this, because I too was once a person seeking therapy – we often want strategies, techniques and tools for our toolboxes. We want to be asked questions and to know the answers; we want to ask questions and to be given answers. We believe that these are the things we need to build a better life. Now that I am a patient in psychoanalysis, and I am a psychodynamic psychotherapist treating patients, I can see why my therapist needed to frustrate this desire, and offer me the opposite. What I wanted was to manage myself out of my emotions rather than feel them, to hack my life rather than live it – and that makes for a shallower existence, not a better one. Meaningful therapy has helped me to understand that what I wanted was not what I needed. That my search for the right answer, born out of my conviction that there is a right way to do life, could only ever keep me stuck. I see now that this powerful treatment can offer something far more valuable than strategies: a fertile environment in which a mind can grow, so that a new space can open up between sensing an emotional experience inside you and having to get rid of it immediately. In this space, you can develop the capacity to tolerate something that previously was experienced as unbearable – and this gives you time to feel, to think and to respond with agency, rather than remaining a slave to your reactions. This can be utterly transformative for our relationships, for our working lives, for our parenting and for our self-respect. It is not something we can try to do, it is not something someone can tell us how to do, it is not something we can read about in a newspaper article (even this one, I'm afraid). It is the outcome of a meaningful, sustained therapeutic relationship, and there is no shortcut. The fact is that strategies, techniques and tools are all out there for you to find if you want them. A quick internet search will serve up more studies than you could possibly wish to read showing that exercise is good for your mental health; that mindfulness can help to manage stress (and there are plenty of apps for that); and that if it makes you feel good, you can buy as many adult colouring books, gratitude journals and weighted blankets as you wish (before you feel so weighed down by all your stuff that it's time to de-clutter again). These things may or may not be helpful, but advice along these lines can also make a person feel worse, if what they really need is to address the underlying difficulties, anxieties, depressions and unconscious dynamics that rob them of the capacity to enjoy the good things in life. Because the thing about building a better life is that it is at the same time incredibly complex and incredibly simple. (One consequence of good psychotherapy – and parenthood – is developing the capacity to recognise and feel two opposing truths at the same time.) In a therapy session, an almost imperceptible movement or sigh from a patient might, when attention is directed towards it, open up a fascinating seam of memories and associations that reveal buried pain and love and heartbreaking assumptions about themselves, which developed in their mind in childhood out of compelling family dynamics and have continued to imprison them for their entire lives. And once these knotty, complex dynamics have been excavated and understood, and the feelings trapped within have been allowed expression, then the cell door can open, and as well as pain and anger and longing and other feelings, all sorts of beautifully simple things become possible. The blissful feeling of warm sunshine on your face. The colours in a David Hockney painting. The deliciousness of a chocolate Hobnob. The heart-swelling sound of a toddler laughing – yours or someone else's. The pleasure of exchanging a nod with a stranger who has also gone for a walk in the park. The joy of watching one of the greatest films of all time. Which brings me to my final point. We have to acknowledge that good therapy can be difficult to find (though there is plenty of information at And if you live in an area where psychotherapy is, outrageously, not available on the NHS, or about to be cut, then it can be expensive (though there are low-fee schemes available at the Institute of Psychoanalysis and the British Psychotherapy Foundation, and elsewhere too). It may also be that this kind of therapy might not be useful to you at this moment. And, as I have written previously, good therapy takes time, and there are periods in our lives when that time may not be available to us. Fortunately, there is something else that can help. Here is the one strategy, technique and tool I have found that really does work – the answer to almost any question. Watch Midnight Run. And if you have already watched this exquisite 80s comedy with Robert De Niro, Charles Grodin and Yaphet Kotto, then watch it again. And when you have watched it, find someone else who has watched it – it may be that the greatest value of the internet lies in its facility to connect people who have watched Midnight Run – and swap your favourite quotes and scenes with them. And then make a cup of tea and dunk a chocolate Hobnob in it and eat it. You're welcome. Moya Sarner is an NHS psychotherapist and the author of When I Grow Up – Conversations With Adults in Search of Adulthood Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.
CNA
3 days ago
- Business
- CNA
CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How The Social Outcast's Chef Mint found his authentic self in culinary artistry
CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How The Social Outcast's Chef Mint found his authentic self in culinary artistry Aminurrashid Hasnordin — better known as Chef Mint is co-owner of the acclaimed omakase restaurant, The Social Outcast, which used to be at Katong. But on the road to culinary success, he's had to overcome many challenges, especially during his youth. Chef Mint shares the most valuable lessons he's gained through his journey. 36 mins CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How former investment professional Qi Zhai-McCartney found her calling as a psychotherapist For almost 20 years, Qi Zhai-McCartney thrived as an investment professional, working for large investment houses in the US, China, and Singapore. But the native of Harbin, China, always felt something was amiss. The passing of a close family member caused her to re-evaluate her life's calling. Today, as a psychotherapist and coach, Qi helps individuals and couples through rough periods in their life. She shares the most valuable lessons her journey has given her. 35 mins CNA938 Rewind - #TalkBack: Whampoa fire: Why can't keep our corridors hazard-free? A fire recently broke out at a HDB block at 20 Jalan Tenteram, with 5 people being taken to hospital and 40 others evacuated due to the blaze. According to the SCDF, the fire involved items that had been left along the corridors on the second and third floors. Lance Alexander and Daniel Martin discuss further with Dr Annabelle Chow, Clinical Psychologist, Annabelle Psychology and Kelvyn Ong, Fire Safety Specialist and Managing Director, King Fire. 29 mins CNA938 Rewind - Will they or won't they: U.S tariffs continue to cause uncertainty U.S President Donald Trump can celebrate a temporary reprieve for his aggressive tariff strategy, after an appeals court preserved his sweeping import duties on China and other trading partners -- for now. The short-term relief will allow the appeal process to proceed, after the U.S Court of International Trade barred most of the tariffs announced since Trump took office. Lance Alexander and Daniel Martin learn more from Kevin Chen, Associate Research Fellow with the U.S. Programme, Institute of Defence and Strategic Studies, RSIS. 13 mins
CNA
3 days ago
- Business
- CNA
CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How former investment professional Qi Zhai-McCartney found her calling as a psychotherapist
CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How The Social Outcast's Chef Mint found his authentic self in culinary artistry Aminurrashid Hasnordin — better known as Chef Mint is co-owner of the acclaimed omakase restaurant, The Social Outcast, which used to be at Katong. But on the road to culinary success, he's had to overcome many challenges, especially during his youth. Chef Mint shares the most valuable lessons he's gained through his journey. 36 mins CNA938 Rewind - A Letter to Myself: How former investment professional Qi Zhai-McCartney found her calling as a psychotherapist For almost 20 years, Qi Zhai-McCartney thrived as an investment professional, working for large investment houses in the US, China, and Singapore. But the native of Harbin, China, always felt something was amiss. The passing of a close family member caused her to re-evaluate her life's calling. Today, as a psychotherapist and coach, Qi helps individuals and couples through rough periods in their life. She shares the most valuable lessons her journey has given her. 35 mins CNA938 Rewind - #TalkBack: Whampoa fire: Why can't keep our corridors hazard-free? A fire recently broke out at a HDB block at 20 Jalan Tenteram, with 5 people being taken to hospital and 40 others evacuated due to the blaze. According to the SCDF, the fire involved items that had been left along the corridors on the second and third floors. Lance Alexander and Daniel Martin discuss further with Dr Annabelle Chow, Clinical Psychologist, Annabelle Psychology and Kelvyn Ong, Fire Safety Specialist and Managing Director, King Fire. 29 mins CNA938 Rewind - Will they or won't they: U.S tariffs continue to cause uncertainty U.S President Donald Trump can celebrate a temporary reprieve for his aggressive tariff strategy, after an appeals court preserved his sweeping import duties on China and other trading partners -- for now. The short-term relief will allow the appeal process to proceed, after the U.S Court of International Trade barred most of the tariffs announced since Trump took office. Lance Alexander and Daniel Martin learn more from Kevin Chen, Associate Research Fellow with the U.S. Programme, Institute of Defence and Strategic Studies, RSIS. 13 mins
Yahoo
5 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
What Your Birth Order Says About You (& Why It's Not Set in Stone)
Birth order may play a bigger role in shaping who you are than you even realize. From the stereotypical elder, middle, and youngest sibling traits to the unique qualifications that shake things up, birth order theory is just one way to explain what makes you, you! Explore the phenomenon and see how it lines up with you and your family's personalities. Psychotherapist Alfred Adler was the first to propose a theory on how birth order impacted personality. Birth order theory suggests that birth order can affect the developing personality of a child. Eldest children, youngest children, middle children, and only children all fall into statistical groups with similar personality traits. That's not to say that every child will display every trait (or even any trait) associated with their place in the birth order; only that there's a statistical correlation that seems to suggest the probability that a child's ranking in birth order may result in certain traits that are common to other children of the same ranking. The sections below list characteristics of birth order that are often common to children of the same rank in birth order. It's important to note that these characteristics aren't set in stone and that just because your child falls into a certain rank in the birth order doesn't mean that he or she will display all, or even any, of the characteristics outlined. The unique position of the only child in a household of adults often results in a number of common personality traits: Close relationship with parents Natural born leaders Possess a high level of self-control Communicate and get along well with adults Can be demanding Can be spoiled and self-absorbed May feel a sense of "specialness" May feel they are being treated unfairly if they don't get their own way May be quite sensitive Often mature and dependable Often very private in nature Likes being the center of attention Will often "divide and conquer" parents in order to get what they want May relate better to adults than peers Famous only children include Robin Williams, Natalie Portman, Tipper Gore, Rudy Giuliani, Alan Greenspan, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Kareem-Abdul Jabbar. The oldest child is the only child for a period of time and can often show similar traits to only children; however, being the oldest of a group of siblings also may bring about other personality traits including the following: People pleasers Natural leaders High achievers Conformist Might be bossy or a know-it-all Are often very organized and prompt Might be overachievers They may behave in a very authoritarian manner, especially towards younger siblings May seek attention - in both positive and negative ways Often controlling May become compliant and nurturing Famous first borns include Oprah Winfrey, Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, and Arsenio Hall. More than half of the American presidents have been first born children. Related: Middle children generally display similar personality characteristics, although middle child traits are more likely to appear in children who are in the middle of three than in middle children of larger families. Some middle child characteristics include the following: Flexible Easy-going Independent May be an excellent mediator or negotiator May feel that life is unfair May feel unloved or squeezed out by siblings Can be highly adaptable Often generous and sociable May try to differentiate themselves from the eldest sibling through behaviors and interests May perceive that the oldest and youngest child as the parents' "favorites" Might be rebellious Engage in attention-seeking behaviors May be extremely competitive Famous middle-born children include Donald Trump, Tim Allen, Rosie O'Donnell, and Julia Roberts. The baby of the family is often looked on as a carefree and spoiled position in the family. Characteristics of youngest children include: Often silly or funny Can display risk-taking behaviors Are often creative Can be very self-centered Often feels inferior as if everyone else is bigger and more capable Is highly competitive Can become bored easily Are usually friendly and outgoing with a terrific sense of humor Expect others to care for them and take responsibility for them Will often ally with the oldest sibling against the middle sibling (if three children) Can be equal parts charming and manipulative May be very idealistic Famous youngest children include Howard Stern, Ralph Nadar, and Jay Leno. There's psychological reasoning behind birth order and the different personality traits of siblings, but certain scenarios and situations could change these characteristics, including: Gender can throw off the typical birth order structure if the first two children born are different genders. When this happens, they often both have the personality traits of the oldest child. As for a large family, if there is one boy (or one girl) in the family, that child will not be in their typical birth order role. Or if a family displays favoritism or places more value on one gender over another, the dynamic will be different as well. If there are five or more years between siblings, the birth order role will not apply. Since the age between siblings is so great, it is considered a new start or 'new family' with a 'new firstborn'. When siblings are born one to two years apart, there may be more conflict and competition especially if they are the same gender. The ideal age difference between siblings tends to be three to four years. They are still close in age but can still have their own identity and interests. The older sibling naturally tends to be domineering and bossy towards their younger siblings. But if they are close in age and the younger sibling eventually outgrows or outsmarts the older sibling, the dynamic can change. When a younger sibling has a stronger, more confident disposition or temperament than their older sibling, this may throw off the birth order role. If a younger sibling is an overachiever in school or excels exponentially in sports or music, they tend to get special, even priority treatment, and birth order tends to shift. Another scenario is a sibling who has a disability and needs special care. Often these situations will alter the birth order role as well. The birth order role doesn't typically apply to twins. They have a special position in the family and tend to operate independently of the traditional birth order roles. When families are blended due to remarriage, the sibling dynamic can be incredibly confusing and complicated depending on the ages of the children. It's not unusual for the children to need some time to establish themselves in their new family hierarchy. From astrology to birth order, there are so many ways we can explain how we were quite literally born this way. While these characteristics might align with who you are, don't let them define you! Birth order might have had an influence on shaping you, but there's more to who you are then the position you were born in.
New York Times
6 days ago
- Health
- New York Times
What I Learned When I Went Back to My Old Therapist
Two weeks before my father died last June, I wrote to my old psychotherapist, L.P. We'd exchanged a few brief emails, but we hadn't spoken in 15 years. I hoped she would be willing to see me. L.P., who asked that I use her initials to maintain her privacy, was surprised to hear from me and suggested we meet a few times to see how it felt. Maybe she was simply treating me like a new client, but I wondered if I was being put on probation. I kept thinking about the self-absorbed 20-something who used to visit her office. I could appreciate why she might proceed with caution. I rode the subway to our first appointment, full of questions: What was she like now? Would we still work well together? What if we didn't? L.P. greeted me in the reception area, and her smile quelled my anxieties. We took in the sight of each other: At 53, my hair was speckled with gray, my face a little drawn. L.P., who's almost 20 years older than me, was impeccably dressed in summer layers, her warm brown eyes alert behind tortoiseshell glasses. I was certain she had her portrait aging in the attic.
