Science Says This Is the Best Way to Raise Your Kids

Yahoo

10-05-2025

Anyone who decides to have children hopes that they will raise kids who turn into good, thoughtful, high-quality adults—but the pathway there can be long and bumpy. Plus, if you have a child who tends to be rambunctious and likes getting into trouble, it can sometimes feel like you're screwing the whole "parenting" thing up.
While there's no "right" way to raise a kid, new research suggests that regularly doling out affection can have some major benefits. Of course, raising amazing little humans is a lot more involved than just giving them lots of hugs and encouragement, but these new findings offer a more concrete goal if it feels like your kids will never get it together.
Here's what the study found, plus what mental health experts recommend taking away from it.
Meet the experts: Jasmin Wertz, PhD, lead author of the study and a professor of psychology at the University of Edinburgh; Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, a reproductive psychiatrist and researcher at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center
The study, which was published in the journal American Psychologist, analyzed data that followed 2,232 British identical twins from birth through age 18.
The researchers looked at data from home visits with the twins' mothers, analyzing recordings of the moms talking about each of their children. Those recordings were then rated for warmth and affection.
At age 18, the children (now teens) were given personality tests to see their 'Big Five' personality traits. These traits are viewed as the five basic dimensions of human personality, and include extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability.
The researchers discovered that twins whose moms were more warm towards them as kids —especially between the ages of five and 10—ended up being more open, conscientious, and agreeable as young adults.
'Our findings suggest that interventions to increase positive parenting in childhood have the potential to make a positive population-wide impact through small but sustained effects on personality traits,' the researchers wrote on the conclusion.
'We knew from previous research that the way parents treat their children—such as how affectionate and supportive they are—is linked with how children's personalities develop,' says Jasmin Wertz, PhD, lead author of the study and a professor of psychology at the University of Edinburgh.
Usually, it can be hard to know if these type of results would be due to the actual parenting or because the parents passed on specific genes to their kids. This study accounted for that barrier. 'By studying twins who share all of their genes and grow up in the same home, we were able to study the effects of parenting separately from the effects of genes, to see if parenting has an effect on young people's personalities,' Wertz says.
The study didn't explore this exact question, but there are some theories. 'If a parent is affectionate, this might teach children to be more understanding and emphatic themselves, thereby fostering agreeableness,' Wertz says. 'Affectionate parenting may also help children regulate their emotions and behaviors, making them more persistent and conscientious.'
Being an affectionate parent can also help kids feel supported, says Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, a reproductive psychiatrist and researcher at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. 'If a child falls, you want to make sure that they feel loved,' she says. 'If they had a difficult day and could use a warm hug, affection is absolutely an important tool there.'
That support at home can also help kids feel more comfortable exploring the world and being open with others, Wertz says.
At its core, Wertz says that affectionate parenting is about showing your child that you care about them. 'This can look different for every family,' she says.
That might mean asking your child about something that interests them, trying to empathize with them, praising good behaviors, using caring and encouraging language, being affectionate with hugs and words, and doing your best to be patient, she says.
'Being affectionate does not mean allowing everything—setting clear limits and consequences are important parenting strategies,' Wertz adds.
Dr. Gur stresses this same point, and emphasizes that consistency is really important as a parent. 'Kids have the hardest time with the dysregulation of affection,' she says. 'If you run hot and cold, which can happen, it can be the most difficult for children.'
Affection should definitely be an important tool as a parent, says Dr. Gur, 'but it should not be the only tool in your tool belt.'
'If someone is misbehaving or is really dysregulated and you're meeting them with affection, that can be very confusing,' she says. 'That's not how the world works.'
By the way, Wertz says that it's important to be kind to yourself while you're parenting, too. 'Many mothers feel stressed, and being mindful and compassionate about your own needs ensures you don't pour from an empty cup,' she says.
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