How to survive the cold winter in Jozi

The Citizen

a day ago

SA's winter doesn't last long, but it will test your resolve, your plumbing, and your ability to make a fire with damp firewood.
A friend asked recently: how does one stay warm in a South African winter without losing your mind (or toes)?
Let's face it, South African winters are weird. One minute it's sunny enough to venture outside without a Windbreaker, the next it's colder than your ex's heart at 3am.
So, what's the average person to do when the cold creeps in like a passive-aggressive mother-in-law? Forget fashion. This is war.
Put on so many layers that you start to look like a sentient laundry basket. Thermal underwear, turtlenecks, scarves, two jackets, and a beanie that's slightly too tight (bonus: it gives you a facelift).
If you can still move your arms freely, you're doing it wrong. Buy one hot water bottle. Or seven. Tuck them under the duvet like warm, squishy landmines of joy.
Pro tip: name them. That way, when you say, 'I'm going to bed with Gerald tonight,' it doesn't sound quite as sad.
Why change out of your blanket if society has already broken down after Covid? Wrap it around your shoulders and call it a fashion statement. Bonus points if you belt it and pretend you're in Game of Thrones.
Tea. Coffee. More tea. Hot chocolate. Rooibos. Cup-a-Soup. Repeat until your blood is 60% warm beverage. Warning: your bladder will revolt.
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Have you considered sitting directly on your oven? Don't. But you can bake something unnecessarily elaborate, purely for the heat.
Think lasagne, banana bread, or the sourdough ingredients you never finished during lockdown. Just leave the oven door open afterward and bask like a budget lizard.
Cats, dogs, toddlers – all make excellent heat sources. Bonus: they don't complain if you stick your freezing toes under them (well, maybe the toddler).
If no pet is available, find a partner. Or a friend. Or a stranger at Pick n Pay. Desperate times.
Then there's denial. This is a surprisingly effective method. Just pretend it's not cold. Wear shorts. Eat ice cream. Tell people you 'actually prefer winter'. Shiver internally. Cry a little. You'll be fine.
You don't need fancy heaters or triple-glazed windows. You just need creativity, caffeine and a high pain threshold.
South African winter doesn't last long, but while it's here, it will test your resolve, your plumbing, and your ability to make a fire with damp firewood.
Stay warm, stay ridiculous, and remember: if you can survive July in Jozi, you can survive anything.
PS: If all else fails, emigrate to Durban.
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