Outdated saying parents are no longer copping

News.com.au

5 days ago

Parents have been left divided over a popular saying that some argue promotes the idea that boys are incapable of controlling their actions.
Parental Guidance, on Channel Nine, is a confronting piece of television that looks at different parenting styles of Australians and how they may impact children when it comes to issues such as mental health, body image and peer pressure.
However, it was a recent episode on mental health that prompted raised eyebrows from participants and viewers alike. In the episode, the children of four sets of parents were given a baby simulator to see how they took care of it. Then, another set of four parents expressed their opinions on how the kids handled the situation they were thrown into.
Josh and Cassie, both 42, have five boys between the ages of six and 13 and consider themselves the 'life school parents'. They have lived full time in a caravan for the last three years.
When it was their family's turn to complete the task, which is done without the parents watching over them, the boys walked into the caravan to find the doll on the bed.
'Who's grabbing it, I'm not touching that thing,' one of the boys said immediately.
Another instantly agreed, refusing to take part in the task. When the doll started to cry, all of the brothers looked panicked and attempted everything they could think of — feeding the baby, changing its nappy and giving it a dummy — to get it to stop wailing. But soon they got bored of the activity. The boys took the doll onto the tire swing and chucked it in the air as high as they could throw it.
Cassie said her children hadn't spent a lot of time around babies. The other parents then weighed in.
Joanne, who follows a traditional parenting style, said that the couple's eldest child would make a good father one day as he remembered having little siblings and was the one to change the baby's nappy. But, for the kids who were rough housing and disrespecting the doll, she had some thoughts.
'Boys will be boys'
'They were playing. They were mucking around and having fun. The boys were boys,' Joanne said.
Immediately, a number of parents in the room expressed discomfort at the saying which has notoriously been used to excuse poor behaviour from boys of various ages — and even given them the green light to continue it.
Tammy, one of the 'upfront parents' who previously sparked controversy over her comments regarding young girls' clothing, said she was against the expression 'Boys will be boys'.
'It really does stereotype a type of behaviour that is not OK,' she said.
Hassan, one of the parents who tend to do things 'the hard way' and tries to avoid screen parenting, said it was important — no matter if you had girls or boys — to get them involved early because 'your young boys are going to be men one day'.
But Josh hit back, saying: 'I think we should be very careful not to feminise our males too much in society.'
One of the 'positivity parents', Sofia, said it was OK if boys wanted to be on the more 'feminine' side. She said stereotyping that men should only be a certain way can put a lot of pressure on them.
Again, Josh defended his parenting style. He said he would never tell his boys not to do something 'because it was a woman's job' but boys weren't 'naturally nurturing'.
Hassan disagreed.
'They can be. If a man has to change a nappy, or cook or clean, it doesn't make him less of a man,' Hassan said.
Josh said for the first six to 12 months of a child's life, particularly if the baby was breastfed, the father is essentially non-existent and the infant only cares about its mother. He said while he could try to help out, the kid simply does not want him. It was then Courtney, one of the pro-tech parents, said that may be true in his world but that isn't the case for everyone.
'I do think a lot of men, in this society, are not great men. I think we need to change that,' she said.
The lively discussion came about weeks after a viral TikTok trend showed fathers being very hands on and involved with their children, sharing clips of them doing just that.
Often, written over the top of the clip, was the caption: ''Wow, he's such a hands-on dad' … yeah, I didn't marry a loser.'
The trend intended to show the tide is changing when it comes to the expectations of how much a father will be involved with his child and that the idea of incompetence or 'boys will be boys' when it comes to child-rearing is simply no longer acceptable.
But still, Josh insisted that he didn't want his boys to feel like they couldn't be a 'robust, stoic man' if they wanted to be.
Parenting expert weighs in
Dr Justin Coulson, a parenting expert who hosts the show alongside Allison Langdon, said it was known that the more men subscribed to 'unhealthy ideas as to what masculinity was' such as being tough, being unable to seek support or be vulnerable, it did have an impact.
'[ …] the more likely their mental health drops. They're more likely to be abusive or be abused,' Dr Coulson said.
A number of parents added that it was important to do away with gender roles, saying little girls could play with trucks and boys could love the colour pink.
And, as always when it comes to parenting discussions, the conversation was taken a step further when one of the authoritative parents — Elvie — asked if these parents would then accept if their son wanted to wear skirts regularly.
Amy and Marc, the 'active parents', said while they hadn't experienced that with their own kids, they would accept their son choosing to wear skirts. She also said if one of her children wanted to change their gender, it would be an open conversation the parents would happily have.
Joanne said that 'wouldn't be an option' in her household. Other parents said you would 'love your child no matter what', and that some people are 'born that way'.
'A lot of people commit suicide because of how they feel about having those feelings,' Sofia said.
'They really are born that way and they can't help how they feel and if you're saying to your child, 'This is it' imagine if they felt that way and couldn't come to you to tell you.'
Joanne doubled down, saying she does not have that problem.
Viewers weigh in
The fiery episode sparked a lot of conversation from viewers, who weighed in on the debate.
'Interesting take — I haven't watched it, does he have a son? My sons are naturally very nurturing. They're so affectionate, so thoughtful and deeply caring. It could be partially environmental but I feel like it has come so naturally to them,' one person said.
Another said: 'A man that does his share of household duties and parenting isn't a feminine man. That is a healthy masculine. A man that comes home from a day of work and sits on the couch and doesn't lift a finger at home or parent the children they brought into the world, expects their partner to clean up after them, and watches their phone or plays computer games is just another child looking for a mummy.'
One said the comment 'boys aren't naturally nurturing' was social conditioning and not science, adding empathy and care are skills and not instincts.
'Boys can be deeply caring and gentle … if we would just stop punishing them for it,' the social media user added.
Another said: ''Boys will be boys' is when they make poop, fart and bum jokes. NOT when they're threatening to hit, when they punch walls or make lewd comments about others.'
'I think some of the parents need to be parented,' one said.
Others pointed out that men being stoic and unable to express how they feel is partially responsible for the fact Australian men are three times as likely to take their own life.
'In my house 'boys will be boys' is only used in playing not to excuse bad behaviour. My boys are rough but, they also know how to do chores around the house,' another said.
One commented: ''Boys will be boys'' teaches that boys can't take accountability for their actions because that's just how boys are. Teach your boys how to behave and give them consequences!'
'Boys will be boys excuses so much unacceptable behaviour – it's given boys a free pass added.