Nearly half of parents with disabled kids report suicidal thoughts, but can't find help

USA Today

3 days ago

Editor's note: This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
When Angie Scheu needs a few minutes to herself, she escapes to her back porch in Westerville, Ohio, to sit and listen to birds chirping.
She gazes at her bushy basil plant in its large pot and her aging McIntosh apple tree in the yard. She tells herself her feelings of overwhelm are temporary, though she knows the chaos that comes with motherhood is part of the deal. She always wanted to be a mom. She loves her three daughters: Evelyn, 17; Sophia, 14; and her youngest, 4-year-old Rachel, who was born with Down syndrome during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Scheu, 44, said she's had thoughts of suicide three times: once 30 years ago, again in 2021 and most recently in the fall of 2024. In those moments, she wondered: "Am I better off gone?"
'It usually follows a period of catastrophizing,' Sheu said. 'It usually just follows a period of feeling hopeless and helpless and just not sure what to do, and not feeling like I have any answers.'
An estimated 4.3% of the U.S. population experiences suicidal thoughts, according to the CDC, but among caregivers, rates of suicidal ideation can surpass the general population. Reports of suicidal thoughts were found to be highest in parents of disabled children (42%), veterans' caregivers (23.6%) and dementia caregivers (32%). Experts have been sounding the alarm for several years, but because caregivers are focused on those they care for, they are often less likely to seek help. Among parents of disabled children who experienced suicidal thoughts and behaviors while caring, more than half (53%) had never disclosed these thoughts or experiences to anyone, according to a 2024 study.
'A lot of people who are caregivers feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed, because they feel like they should be caring for the person,' said Wendy Martinez Farmer, VP of 988 Strategy, Grants and Clinical Standards. 'But we need to normalize the conversation that these feelings that you're having, the feeling trapped and frustrated and sometimes angry, is very normal.'
Scheu has never had a plan to harm herself, and said she's always been able to talk herself out of her thoughts of suicide within a day. She's only told her mom and her husband about these thoughts, but withheld details. She doesn't want her family to worry.
"There's no reason for alarm," she said.
In an ideal world, Scheu said she'd go back to therapy — but for now, that's not an option.
Adult caregivers report worse mental health outcomes, but often 'forgo their own wellbeing'
Factors that can increase the risk of suicidal ideation among caregivers include pre-existing mental health struggles that are exacerbated by high care burdens, exhaustion, social isolation, feelings of stress and entrapment, preemptive grief and post-loss financial hardship. Losing the person you cared for can also lead to feelings of purposelessness, a risk factor among the general population as well.
His sick wife asked him to kill her. Now that she's gone, he says the loneliness is worse.
'Many of the things that caregivers experience are those very things that we're concerned about when we think about risk factors for suicide,' Farmer said.
In a 2016 study, more than half of hospice and palliative social workers (55.4%) reported having worked with one or more caregivers who exhibited warning signs of suicide. During the pandemic, 30.7% of self-reported unpaid caregivers for adults seriously considered suicide, compared to 10.7% of the general population. Adult caregivers also reported having experienced disproportionately worse mental health outcomes and increased substance use.
However, caregivers often do not have enough time to 'rest, recover and take care of their personal needs,' which can lead them to 'forgo their own wellbeing,' said Lindsay Jurist-Rosner, the co-founder and CEO of Wellthy, a care coordination service for caregivers.
'Sometimes being a mom means that your needs come last,' Scheu said. 'I think that's something just about every mom can shake her head yes to.'
Farmer said feelings of shame can contribute to caregivers' hesitance to discuss suicidal thoughts.
'When you're caring for people, people will call you a hero. And heroes don't ask for help, right? We need to change that narrative. In order to be healthy enough to care for the person that you love, you have to take care of yourself,' Farmer said.
Financial barriers keep caregivers from seeking mental health help
Caregivers often call the 988 helpline on behalf of someone else, such as a mother calling to get resources for her child, according to Farmer. In those conversations, the caregiver's own mental health challenges can come up, too.
While access to crisis support is lifesaving, Jurist-Rosner challenges the idea that talk therapy is the only gold standard for supporting caregivers. Rather, it's one component of a larger equation.
Jurist-Rosner said tangible support to alleviate some of the demands of caregiving — such as financial support and relief from administrative tasks — is crucial.
'If you're feeling physically overwhelmed and time-starved, and you're worried about your financial future and putting food on the table because the cost of care is so hard, does spending an hour with a therapist change any of that?' she said.
Scheu said she went to online therapy in 2023, after the stress of parenthood led her to give up her professional dream and close her sustainable home goods store.
But when she used up the limited sessions her husband's health insurance paid for, she couldn't continue.
'We needed to use our funds and our HSA account for other things,' she said. Her daughters have myriad health conditions and require frequent doctor visits.
Shari Turner, Chief Health Officer at the Crisis Text Line, worries Medicaid cuts may disproportionately impact caregivers. 'Those are going to impact the care of the underserved,' she said. 'And many caregivers are relying on Medicaid to support or supplement the people they're caring for.'
More: They don't need Medicaid. But their kids do.
Financial stress, social isolation are a 'perfect storm' for male caregivers
While the majority of America's caregivers are women, more men are taking on caregiving roles and being more active parents than ever before.
With that added responsibility comes added stress, and some men are struggling. But they don't want to talk about it, said Gary Barker, CEO and president of Equimundo, a nonprofit organization dedicated to gender equality and violence prevention.
According to the nonprofit's State of American Men 2025 report which surveyed nearly 2,500 people, 86% of men and 77% of women say being a provider defines manhood. Men facing financial strain are 16 times more likely to report suicidal thoughts, while women facing financial strain are seven times more likely to report suicidal thoughts.
The financial stress and social isolation many male caregivers feel is a "perfect storm," Barker said. But men are "far less likely to seek help," he said. Americans don't do a good job of teaching young boys and men how to deal with their feelings and practice mindfulness, Barker added. But it "really pays off if we do."
'I think those are the men who probably step back when they could get to the edge of causing harm to themselves or somebody else," Barker said.
'There are too many people that rely on me.'
Scheu works part time at a nonprofit. She works mostly nights and weekends so she can care for her girls during the day.
Her days are filled with worry. Worry about her daughters' health, worry about her family's budget.
'It's easy to catastrophize,' she said. 'I try not to allow myself to go down that path anymore... there are too many people that rely on me.'
Her front door is adorned with a sign that reads, 'Welcome to Camp Chaos.' Inside, Rachel's toys litter the floor and her squeals of delight fill the air.
But on her back porch, Scheu finds stillness. She goes back to reminding herself: 'This is temporary.'
Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.
Reach Madeline at [e-mail] and @maddiemitch_ on X.