The luxury of getting older
As the sadistic fairground employee joyfully spun our waltzer and I screamed soothingly at my eight-year-old son that everything was going to be just fine, I took a moment to reflect on the appeal of the funfair.
Summertime heralds the opening of such places in parks and scraps of land all over the UK, all offering the deeply peculiar combination of alcohol and machines created solely to induce nausea; rides are designed to be enjoyed after eating hot dogs, fizzy drinks and candyfloss, all on a hot day.
And yet, astonishingly, this is where teenagers go to get lucky. Legions of ever-hopeful girls semi-blinded by their industrial eyelashes and apparently casual youths populate every theme park and funfair in the country. The only thing to quell the hormones is the vomit. Throwing up is nature's way of making you repulsive. Truly, funfairs are a test of how gross you can be and still attract someone.
One of the many delightful things about getting older is the happy confidence with which you can cheerfully decline some death by cardiac arrest/choking on your own vomit ride. Other things I'll be mercifully turning down this summer include hosting a barbecue, watching a movie from my car, waterskiing and playing tennis. Instead, I hugely look forward to gently sweating while drifting in and out of various hot naps.
So today I want to draw your attention to the great, the sublime, the unequalled luxury which you are all experiencing right now this minute — of not being on a waltzer.
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