3 Ways To Beat External Attraction While Committed — By A Psychologist

Forbes

01-05-2025

Being in a loving relationship doesn't make you immune to noticing or feeling drawn to others. But acting on those feelings or even letting them take up too much mental space can chip away at the emotional safety and trust in your partnership.
Here are three ways to renew your commitment and prevent any possibility of infidelity.
Imagine you're at a café, sipping your coffee, when you see someone new walk in and your gaze lingers a little too long. Perhaps, your eyes meet and they give you a fleeting smile. Your mind starts spinning stories: Did you imagine that or was there a spark?
Our brains are wired for the thrill of novelty and the magnetic pull of the unknown, so it's not unusual for us to romanticize people.
It's called the 'Coolidge effect,' a quirk of biology where attraction fades with familiarity but sparks anew with someone different. For instance, men tend to be aroused by new partners, while women often crave new experiences with the same partner. But in both cases, the same truth applies: habituation dulls the senses, while novelty reignites them.
The problem is that the magnetic pull people experience is to the idealized version they've created of the other person in their minds. Our brains are wired to fill gaps with fantasy, transforming strangers into perfect projections of what we crave. When you catch yourself falling into this pattern, you need to rewire the spark to your partner.
Start by challenging your fantasies. Next time your mind wanders to 'what if,' pause and ask: 'Am I idealizing a stranger?' Catching yourself red-handed is the first step to focus on what's real.
It's also essential to bring novelty back into your relationship. For instance, you can try roleplaying by pretending to meet for the first time to bring back the spark.
In the sitcom Modern Family, Phil Dunphy (played by Ty Burrell) and his wife Claire Dunphy (played by Julie Bowen) have a recurring role-playing scenario where they become their alter-egos, Clive Bixby and Juliana, respectively, to spice things up for Valentine's Day. Even though the role-playing leads to some hilarious plot twists, the experiment works for the couple, after all. They feel highly attracted to each other's alter-egos and to each other, as well as experiencing a renewed sense of commitment and satisfaction in their marriage.
Pretending to meet your partner for the first time gives you a chance to revisit your very first interaction and play it out differently. You can also try something new together, whether it's a dance class, a road trip or even a deep conversation starter.
It's also necessary to voice your desires more often. Unexpressed longing often fuels outside attraction. Say what you've been too shy to ask for, and maybe you'll find your Clive or Juliana in your partner. The intention is to redirect your attraction right back to them.
That hollow feeling when conversations skim the surface, when you're together but feeling alone is often the quiet crack that makes outside attention seem irresistible. A significant component of loneliness can be tied to the feeling of not being known or understood by your partner.
When you feel disconnected from your partner, even harmless attention from others can feel electrifying, all because you're craving attention or intimacy. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology reveals that our attachment styles may also have a role to play in our likelihood of infidelity.
Avoidant partners (those who shy away from closeness) are more likely to cheat while dating as emotional detachment may kill attraction, but ironically, their partners are less likely to cheat in marriage. In contrast, anxious partners — who tend to fear abandonment — rarely cheat while dating, but in marriages, their need for connection can make infidelity more likely.
To avoid these behaviors, start by recognizing your emotional patterns in relationships. Ask yourself:
Identifying your triggers early can help you improve communication habits and understand where your attraction to someone else is stemming from. Sometimes, feeling disconnected, unseen or unappreciated in your relationship might explain why someone else's attention feels so magnetic.
Instead of suppressing or shaming your feelings, use them as a wake-up call to re-invest emotionally in your partner. Schedule undistracted time together, and be vulnerable and transparent about what you need. You can also seek couples therapy to learn how to deepen intimacy.
Moderate interdependence, like with neighbors or casual friends, breeds comfort without suffocation. You know them, but your lives aren't fused at the seams. Here, familiarity enhances attraction.
But in romantic partnerships, extreme interdependence becomes a double-edged sword. Shared bills, synchronized schedules and endless joint decisions can quietly erode the very spark they were meant to nurture.
This is why you need to take steps to starve the fantasy. Limit situations that fuel attraction to someone who isn't your partner by reducing one-on-one time, texting them less frequently and avoiding extended solo interactions.
More importantly, create internal boundaries to catch and redirect your thoughts before they spiral. Replace them with affirmations of your commitment or visual memories of meaningful moments with your partner. Remind yourself of why you love your partner and why they love you.
Justifying your attraction by replaying recent arguments with your partner might offer temporary relief, but it doesn't strengthen your relationship. It also creates a false sense of connection with the person you're fantasizing about: someone you barely know and whose life with you would not be free of conflict either.
Being in a committed relationship means you actively choose your partner not just once, but over and over again, especially in moments of temptation. Attraction may be instinctual, but loyalty is intentional.
Do you have an inclination toward cheating on your partner? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Propensity Towards Infidelity Scale