Coco-colonialism
London is going nuts over 'nariyal'
Oxford Street isn't yet redolent with aromas of simmering aviyal, albeit close enough. Goodbye, Coca-colonialism's. Hello, coco-colonialism. London is being blitzed by coconut milk, water, oil, fresh/desiccated/compacted kernel. From tabloid, tube and bus, I'm bombarded with ads ordering 'Convert to Coconut'. It isn't baptism by fiery kari, but by cool tetrapack. Downing packaged nariyal paani is not a patch on slurping from the real thing, even if easier to wield. It's already caught on among India's sipping classes. Here, the little blue and white cartons are drink du jour not only coz Britain – indeed all exited-from Europe – is in the throes of a throat (and grass)-parching Indian summer. It's a wider conquest.
The unrelenting ad's baseline says, 'It's not a cult'. The udder distaste for milk from nature-intended sources led to such substitutes as soya, oat, almond, apple…Coconut conversion, however, goes beyond Veganism & Co. Its messaging cashes in on the greatest, latest massage: 'gut health'. This is the silver bullet; sure-fire seduction; certain path to nirvana, physical, mental, psychological, yea, even social. As always, We knew it first. Remember the ancient eastern wisdom of a healthy morning evacuation? Here, 'potty' is ensured via pot of 'Coconut Yog'. That's yoghurt, not Guruji Iyengar. The ad promises 'ALL YOUR PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED. If your problems are exclusively breakfast-based. Or dessert-based. Or curry-dollop-based. Or wanting-a-whole-coconut-in-each-pot-based.'
Chicken tikka masala and king-sized samosa, ok, but no self-respecting desi visitor will cure home-food yearning with ersatz Ernakulam. Better to favour real curry, Mercifully this is no longer the pineapple-riddled atrocity once dished up in icky-sticky Bangladeshi dives. As a mark of my own upgrading, the only Bangladeshi I encountered was expertly shaking signature cocktails in a Portobello tapas bar – and called himself 'Jose'.
Still, good to know that 'coconut' is now something more desirable than a WOG (Westernised Oriental Gentlemen) who was 'brown outside, white inside'. Even more satisfying is palms metaphorically swaying amidst oaks, more evidence of East and West mixing, and nixing colonial Mr Kipling.
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Alec Smart said: 'Tesla test-drives India.'
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