Letting go of eldest child pressure
Working hard and getting good grades would earn me praise, but amid it all, I forgot that my life did not depend solely on others' recognition.
Receiving my Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM) results last year was nerve-wracking. My heart pounded as I searched my sister's face for any sign of a reaction. She didn't respond at first – then she ran off to tell our family and relatives: 'Nittila got straight As!'
Wait, I did? No matter how much effort I put in, it never felt like enough. I constantly believed I had to do more – more exercises, more reading.
Back then, that mindset only pushed me into a deeper slump, worsening my mental health. But like all difficult phases, it eventually passed.
That very experience helped me juggle my subsequent matriculation life better. I learnt to give myself space to make mistakes and not let the fear of judgement hold me back.
I also realised I needed to share how I felt with my parents. They, in return, offered guidance.
When I got sick a week before one of my semester exams, it felt like everything was weighing on me at once. But my parents made sure to check in and see how I was doing.
They made sure I never felt alone. They gave me home remedies to try, reminding me that even if they couldn't be there physically, they were always supporting me.
Looking back, I realised the pressure I had placed on myself was far heavier than the expectations of those around me.
I used to believe that being great at something made my loved ones love me more. In reality, that wasn't true – they also saw me for who I was, not just what I achieved.
Do I still feel the pressure of being the pride of my family as the eldest child? Yes, but not in the way I used to.
Before, I thought I had to be 'perfect' to earn their pride. Now, I understand that their pride doesn't come from perfect grades – it comes from effort, perseverance, and staying true to myself.
My family is proud of me, not just because of my results, but also because of the hard work I put in. And more importantly, I have learnt to be proud of myself.
Nittila, 19, a student in Perak, is a participant of the BRATs Young Journalist Programme run by The Star's Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) team. For updates on the BRATs programme, go to facebook.com/niebrats.
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