I think I have my life together. So why do I always get 'friend-zoned'?
Does your family approve of your partner? Or maybe you're struggling to grin and bear your awful in-laws? If family relations are a royal pain for your relationship, ask Amy and T.J. for some suggestions by emailing askamyandtj@yahoo.com. Hear more from our advice columnists on their podcast.
Amy and T.J.,
I try to attract a partner, but I'm always told, 'You're so nice, I don't want to ruin our friendship.'
I own a few cars, I run a music store and I play live music frequently. I'd like to think I have it together, and that that would be attractive. But there's been no prospect for romance since college — until recently. I met a woman who seemed amazing. She was in my city to get her PhD and we played music together. But I feared she'd look for greener pastures — and she did. Off she went after graduating.
Despite my accomplishments, my love life is always lacking. I'm trying, but it's hard when every time I seek out love, the world just strikes back. How do I keep putting myself out there?
— Brian
Gut reaction
T.J. Holmes: That's tough. It's hard to hear, and my heart goes out to you.
Amy Robach: To be rejected is hard enough; to feel like you're constantly being rejected, or friend-zoned, has to feel pretty tough.
On further consideration
AR: There's nothing sexier than confidence, and I'm sure your confidence has been blown a bit. Guys who have swagger and walk into a room with excitement and confidence — that's attractive. Your accomplishments are great, but they aren't who you are. I'm talking about what you bring to the table as a person — not, perhaps, the job you have or the money you make. Knowing that creates an air of confidence.
When you're frustrated and feel like the world is working against you, that can create a neediness and an insecurity that women can sense. And that typically isn't attractive. You can dig yourself a hole: The more you strike out, the more frustrated, insecure and down on yourself you become. So you have to get yourself out of that hole. Maybe that means you stop looking for a partner and start building up your own life. What's fun to you? What do you want to do? Go out and live your best life, and I think that will attract the right woman.
TJH: I always say: Attract, don't chase. You do not have to chase anybody down. They will absolutely come to you.
There's a quote I love, about how most people fail because they quit before they realize how close they were to success. The woman for you might be around the corner, she might be up the street. You might know her already. She might be somebody who's taken notice of you, but you haven't taken notice of her. I understand your frustration, but you can't quit and give up, because the person for you might be around the corner.
AR: You also say that you thought you had chemistry with this one woman, but that she left town and never seems to have communicated back to you since. Did you let her know how you felt before she left? Communication is key. We aren't mind readers. Sometimes we think we're showing somebody how we feel, but they may not be receiving it the way we intend.
TJH: I wonder if she was aware of how you felt, or if this was one-sided. It's great that you found someone you really hit it off with and enjoyed. But you have to find out whether the person on the other side was thinking that too.
The final word
AR: The truth is, somebody has to say something. And it's usually the guy.
TJH: What?!
AR: In life as it is in rom-coms: When a woman goes to the airport, she wants the man to come chasing after her. Did you let this woman know you desired her? Maybe she was hoping you'd say, 'Don't leave.' We just want to know that we're desired.
TJH: So how should we let you know you're desired?
AR: By telling us. And showing us.
TJH: OK, so we need to be running through the airport and shouting, begging you not to leave at the same time, because you need to hear it and we need to show it?
AR: That's preferable.
TJH: Alright, Ryan, you've got your instructions, homie. No wonder you're single, this is difficult!
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