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CNA
8 minutes ago
- CNA
Safe spaces for him: Why men need support groups run by other males for their well-being
It started as a regular workshop about building confidence in the workplace. Facilitators Toh Zi Kit and Brian Liu had participants digging deep into their doubts and worries, confronting unhelpful narratives they had internalised that were holding them back. To close the session, the pair invited everyone in the room to complete the sentence: 'If I was more confident, I would …' with a personal reflection. The responses were heartfelt: If I was more confident, I would stop doubting myself. If I was more confident, I wouldn't be so afraid to tell people what I thought or share my ideas. 'And then we got to this guy … the typical finance bro archetype,' Toh recalled. This man had displayed a 'nonchalant, laidback, lackadaisical persona' throughout the workshop. 'He got up and said: 'If I was more confident, I would have bought Nvidia stock a year ago.' And at that point, me and Brian just kind of sighed. We could see the whole room filled with a little of that half-nervous laughter, and we were a bit frustrated because we felt that's not the spirit of the exercise.' Just like that, Toh felt a wall go up. The rest of the room, who hadn't shared yet, followed with responses that became 'a little more surface-level'. They weren't 'vulnerable' anymore. The incident was part of a larger pattern that Toh and Liu, who work in the corporate learning and development space, recognised. The participants seemingly more resistant to deeper conversations in such workshops were often men – faced with perceived emotional vulnerability, they would 'armour up'. And such behaviour starts young, they realised after speaking with their friend and early childhood educator Titus Ting. 'Titus would notice it in the way that young boys are parented. Some parents would tell off their son for crying, for dressing a certain way, for asking for a toy that's not predominantly a boy's toy,' said Toh. These insights became the foundation for Bros Before Woes, which the three friends co-founded in November 2023. The initiative aims to give men a safe and supportive environment to reflect on their lives, struggles and the man they want to be. 'We were fortunate enough to feel that if times got hard and if we needed to get called out on certain things, we had men in our lives we could trust to give a good opinion or be a solid sounding board," said Toh, 30, who shared his team's experiences with CNA Lifestyle. "And we felt the problem with a lot of men is that they don't." Since July 2024, Bros Before Woes has hosted monthly 'Bro's Night' gatherings. These are structured and intentional sessions, allowing men to express and confront themselves openly. 'What men's spaces really give men is the ability to be seen by other men; to be accepted, embraced and supported by other men. Then you'll know it's not just you (dealing with an issue). Other men are going through it too, and they see you as no less of a guy. That's powerful,' Toh said. Movement coach and dance choreographer Hafeez Hassan hopes to provide a similar space with The Brothers Circle, which he founded in April 2021. The support group for men is centred on meditative movement and group activity, tapping into fitness culture, which Hafeez believes men tend to already be interested in. 'Most men, including myself … we all aim to have a certain kind of status. There's a lot of worry about what we would lose when we make ourselves vulnerable. Because of that, our walls have become too thick to the point that we need lots of different kinds of intervention,' said the 42-year-old. 'So it's good for men to be back in their bodies to regulate their nervous system, because most are always in their heads,' he added. 'I encourage them to move so that their energy gets distributed well in their system. And when they can feel regulated and safe, then they can express themselves.' And such spaces may be equally, if not more, important for elderly men, noted Melissa Teo, a senior volunteer management executive with Methodist Welfare Services (MWS). Tasked with understanding why older men weren't participating in community programmes, she found out that many viewed seeking help from active ageing centres as a sign of weakness. They also didn't enjoy activities that appeared to cater to women. What they valued was instead a sense of freedom and friendly competition – which shaped the Men-Only Happy Hour programme she launched in August 2023 for the MWS Active Ageing Centre at GreenTops@Sims Place. The programme ended up attracting men in their 70s and 80s – a group often more socially isolated – as both participants and volunteers who now run the show. It's held every Wednesday at a void deck beside the centre; the open and informal location is unlike, say, a community centre which can feel more confined. To keep things lively, there is the occasional mini challenge to tap into their competitive nature. 'You can (have) many good programmes, but if you're not specifically targeting these men because you're only concerned about not being seen as sexist, you're not reaching out to the needy,' Teo added. The need for such spaces has never felt more urgent. A total of 314 suicides were reported in Singapore in 2024, the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) said earlier this month. Of these, 202 were men. Men's well-being entrepreneur Ian Tan, whose background is in psychology, launched TheBrotherBu earlier this year. He runs one-on-one coaching sessions for now, and has realised men often anchor their identity to productivity. This shapes the language they use to talk about – and to – themselves. 'If the voice in your head – which is the one that you talk to most – isn't encouraging, and it just berates you, tells you you're not enough, tells you that everyone else is doing much more and you need to do more, then it's very difficult to have some self-respect,' said the 38-year-old, speaking from experience. He'd helmed boutique gym chain Ritual as its co-founder until it collapsed and closed during the pandemic. 'But if you adjust your self-talk, you'll feel more respect for yourself, then I think we have an opportunity to detach self-worth from productivity.' UNDERSTANDING THE EXPECTATION TO PROVIDE Yet, unlearning cultural norms might take a painful reckoning. According to provisional data from SOS, the largest increase in suicides was observed among adults aged between 30 and 39. Individuals in this age group experience a range of complex pressures linked to "family issues, job stability and mental health challenges", the suicide prevention centre said. These pressures add up to what Toh calls the 'provider expectation' – the common thread in conversations during Bros Before Woes sessions about what makes being a man 'so difficult and isolating at times". Being the 'man of the house' implies a constant need to remain reliable and steady. This expectation can even affect how men allow themselves to experience joy, as one participant's sharing highlighted. 'I just wish I could get married to the girl I love without (thinking about the) ring and wedding, and questions like whether your career is stable or whether you're ready to start a family. I wish that 'I want to marry you' was enough, but many times, it seems like it's not,' he had said. But more often than not, it results in a weighty expectation to 'be strong', despite the growing narrative in mental health spaces that it's okay for men to cry. 'Sometimes women put pressure on us to be emotional. They want to see us cry, to be vulnerable … but how can I do these things that you say I should do?' said Toh, articulating a common internal monologue among men. 'I don't have the chance to. I don't have the permission to. If I stop, if I give up, if I take a break, everything crashes around me.' TheBrotherBu's Tan has had similar conversations with '100 per cent' of his clients so far. For years, many would go out of their way to schedule countless work meetings in a week, while reserving the whole weekend for their family. But what they consistently left out was time for themselves. The result is a build-up of 'unnecessarily aggressive' self-talk and a deeply ingrained habit of emotional suppression, especially within relationships. And when those bottled-up feelings finally surface, the process is rarely smooth. 'A guy might think: I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I have to connect the feelings to the words. It's very difficult. Then you have your partner who's so ready to talk and you feel overwhelmed,' said Tan. 'Or, your partner, because they've also been waiting to connect, they have frustrations. So they open up. Then you open up the floodgates. You get overwhelmed. It sometimes feels like being slammed down.' But it's not as though men don't know the importance of sharing their feelings. They have simply been taught to 'just not deal with it, be strong about it, brush it off, not cry', Tan added. 'So what's a typical thing that a guy would do? I'll hold it until I just cannot take it. Then when I see (my wife) and something small happens, I have a blowup or a meltdown or something. 'And then now, for the first time in a decade of being with this person, she sees her husband cry.' A "UNIQUE NEED" FOR MEN TO SUPPORT MEN As such, male spaces serve as a practice ground of sorts for men to hone their listening and communication skills, helping them build their own 'psychologically safe environment' beyond these groups. 'To practise with your female friends or female partner, many times it feels like they might not understand, or they might try to tell me how to do it and guide me through,' said Tan. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Ian Tan | Men's Wellbeing (@thebrotherbu) Likewise, Toh has learnt from running Bros Before Woes that men process and express emotions 'extremely differently' from women. Contrary to the stereotype that men aren't good at expressing emotion, 'we found that guys are so deep and so in touch with how they're feeling', he said, having seen the power of sharing and listening to each other's stories. Many just don't have the words for feelings, until they 'hear other dudes express their feelings and tell stories about their experiences'. Then they remember their own similar experiences and how they felt. 'It gives us that permission to share, but also sometimes gives us the language,' Toh said. And while he stresses that any work that men are willing to do – such as seeing a female therapist, which is common – is a 'massive step in the right direction', he sees a 'very unique and important need for men to help and support other men'. Chiefly, these interactions are opportunities to reflect on and define the masculinity they want to embody. 'We (believe) that most men would choose to be good fathers, to be good partners, to live a life of fulfilment,' he added. 'Many times, the shortcoming is due to men feeling like they don't have the ability to choose and they're subconsciously forced into certain narratives or traditional roles.' BEYOND MALE-ONLY SPACES Yet, the work cannot stop at male-only spaces, for men's well-being doesn't only affect men. Following the pivotal incident with the 'finance bro archetype' in the workshop Toh facilitated, where the participant's answer palpably shifted the vulnerable mood in the room, he recognised such an image that men 'curate' doesn't just affect them individually. 'It actually has a big impact on how other people show up and how safe they feel to be honest, to show vulnerability and to really be authentic in the way they put themselves forward.' Once men become more comfortable expressing themselves in safe, male-only spaces, they must learn to take that emotional fluency into the rest of their lives – whether at home or in the workplace. This can resemble learning how to be emotionally 'soft' with a young daughter, said Tan, who has a five-year-old himself. While the instinct may be to prioritise working hard to provide overshowing affection, many men soon realise that these 'old models' of masculinity fall short. It can mean being a decisive leader at work who also creates belonging – and when there are tough calls to be made, to make them with clarity and compassion. At the Men-Only Happy Hour programme by Methodist Welfare Services, it has led to elderly men feeling less intimidated to walk into an active ageing centre to seek financial help, said Teo. Getting this demographic to overcome that mental hurdle in the past would have been near impossible. Another 'unexpected result' she's observed is the chance to mend and strengthen family relationships. 'Their wives now find it easier to ask their husband to join them on their outings,' she said, adding that one even managed to heal his strained marriage. 'It's not just a programme but it provides a platform to change their mindset, to correct themselves … and eventually they get very comfortable in coming. The men will find themselves a second home here.'
Straits Times
an hour ago
- Straits Times
EU urges Ukraine to uphold independent anti-corruption bodies; Zelenskiy signals swift action
Find out what's new on ST website and app. FILE PHOTO: European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen speaks with Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskiy prior to a bilateral meeting in Rome, Italy, April 26, 2025. Andrew Medichini/Pool via REUTERS/File Photo BRUSSELS - European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen called on Sunday for President Volodymyr Zelenskiy to uphold independent anti-corruption bodies, with the Ukrainian leader signaling that supporting legislation could be adopted within days. "Ukraine has already achieved a lot on its European path. It must build on these solid foundations and preserve independent anti-corruption bodies, which are cornerstones of Ukraine's rule of law," von der Leyen said in a post on X after a call with Zelenskiy. After a rare outburst of public criticism, Zelenskiy on Thursday submitted draft legislation to restore the independence of Ukraine's anti-corruption agencies - reversing course of an earlier bill aimed at stripping their autonomy. "I thanked the European Commission for the provided expertise," Zelenskiy said in a post on X after his Sunday call with von der Leyen. "We share the same vision: it is important that the bill is adopted without delay, as early as next week." Von der Leyen also promised continued support for Ukraine on its path to EU membership. "Ukraine can count on our support to deliver progress on its European path," she added. REUTERS Top stories Swipe. Select. Stay informed. Singapore Sewage shaft failure linked to sinkhole; PUB calling safety time-out on similar works islandwide Singapore Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole did not happen overnight: Experts Singapore Workers used nylon rope to rescue driver of car that fell into Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole Asia Singapore-only car washes will get business licences revoked, says Johor govt World Food airdropped into Gaza as Israel opens aid routes Sport Arsenal beat Newcastle in five-goal thriller to bring Singapore Festival of Football to a close Singapore Benchmark barrier: Six of her homeschooled kids had to retake the PSLE Asia S'porean trainee doctor in Melbourne arrested for allegedly filming colleagues in toilets since 2021
Straits Times
an hour ago
- Straits Times
While You Were Sleeping: 5 stories you might have missed, July 28, 2025
Find out what's new on ST website and app. US President Donald Trump meets with European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, in Turnberry, Scotland, Britain, on July 27. US and EU clinch deal with broad 15% tariffs on EU goods to avert trade war The United States struck a framework trade deal with the European Union on Sunday, imposing a 15 per cent US import tariff on most EU goods, but averting a spiralling battle between two allies which account for almost a third of global trade. The announcement came after European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen travelled for talks with US President Donald Trump at his golf course in western Scotland to push a hard-fought deal over the line. 'I think this is the biggest deal ever made,' Trump told reporters after an hour-long meeting with von der Leyen, who said the 15 per cent tariff applied 'across the board'. READ MORE HERE WHO says malnutrition reaching 'alarming levels' in Gaza NYT Malnutrition rates are reaching 'alarming levels' in the Gaza Strip, the World Health Organization warned Sunday, saying the 'deliberate blocking' of aid was entirely preventable and had cost many lives. 'Malnutrition is on a dangerous trajectory in the Gaza Strip, marked by a spike in deaths in July,' the WHO said in a statement. Of the 74 recorded malnutrition-related deaths in 2025, 63 had occurred in July – including 24 children under five, one child aged over five, and 38 adults, it added. Top stories Swipe. Select. Stay informed. Singapore Sewage shaft failure linked to sinkhole; PUB calling safety time-out on similar works islandwide Singapore Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole did not happen overnight: Experts Singapore Workers used nylon rope to rescue driver of car that fell into Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole Asia Singapore-only car washes will get business licences revoked, says Johor govt World Food airdropped into Gaza as Israel opens aid routes Sport Arsenal beat Newcastle in five-goal thriller to bring Singapore Festival of Football to a close Singapore Benchmark barrier: Six of her homeschooled kids had to retake the PSLE Asia S'porean trainee doctor in Melbourne arrested for allegedly filming colleagues in toilets since 2021 READ MORE HERE Several killed in train crash in Germany, media say AFP At least three people were injured when a regional train carrying about 100 passengers derailed in southwestern Germany on Sunday, police said. German media reported that several people had been killed. 'The accident occurred at around 6:10 pm (1710 GMT) near the town of Riedlingen in Baden-Wuerttemberg state,' a police spokesperson told AFP. READ MORE HERE Wildfire in Sardinia forces dozens to flee beach by boat via REUTERS Dozens of beachgoers in Sardinia were forced to flee by boat on July 27 when a huge wildfire broke out nearby, blocking other escape routes, firefighters on the Italian island said. Black smoke could be seen rising from the beach in Villasimius in the south of the island. Strong winds were hindering rescue efforts, firefighters said in a statement, adding that several cars had been burned. READ MORE HERE Peerless Pogacar claims fourth Tour title, Van Aert wins brutal final stage REUTERS Tadej Pogacar claimed his fourth Tour de France title on July 27, cementing his status as the most dominant rider of his generation and moving alongside Britain's Chris Froome on the all-time winners' list. The 26-year-old Slovenian, who triumphed in 2020, 2021 and 2024, delivered a near-flawless performance, even coming close to prevailing on a spectacular final stage on the Champs Elysees after an epic duel with Belgian Wout van Aert. 'Just speechless to win a fourth Tour de France. Six years in a row on the podium and this one feels especially amazing, and I'm super proud that I can wear this yellow jersey,' Pogacar, who was second in 2022 and 2023, said.
