'I Hired A Dating Coach For $12,000 — Then Met My Husband': On The Rise Of High-Investment Dating

Refinery29

4 days ago

Back in April, entrepreneur Shirley Vernae Williams, 39, went viral on TikTok after revealing that she had spent $10,000 on a dating coach with the aim of enhancing her love life. 'The total amount I spent on a dating coach in the end was $12,000. I started with a program called 'Get Your Guy', which helped me get clear on my patterns, rewire how I date, and build a stronger relationship with myself,' she said to Unbothered. A few months later, Williams, based in New York, joined another program called 'Get Your Ring', which comprised a more intimate group container that was focused on partnership. Between those two programs, Williams had personalized coaching, voice note access, and real-time support — all of which she hoped would enhance her dating life.
Within two months of starting the program, Williams met her fiancé. 'My experience with a dating coach truly changed my life. I met my now-husband within just a few months of working with my coach,' she adds. Almost 20,000 people have liked Williams' TikTok video, but her story has also garnered criticism from fellow users on the platform who have questioned her decision to spend $12,000 on a dating coach. The idea of making such a significant investment in a quest to find love is something many single women cannot fathom due to the unpredictability of the modern dating scene. However, Williams' decision has piqued the interest of those who have given up on dating apps and are willing to do anything they can (and spend whatever they can) to improve their chances of finding love.
Many single women are spending months (if not years) navigating the dating scene, but Williams was able to attract the partner she wanted in a short space of time. While there are several reasons why single people struggle to navigate the world of modern dating, the rise in the popularity of dating apps has had a lasting influence on society's perception of dating and relationships. Dating apps were meant to facilitate dating, but instead, they've made it more complicated than it has ever been. 1.4 million people in the UK have left the online dating scene in the past 12 months, and an Ofcom report showed that fewer people used dating apps between 2023 and 2024. In the US, the percentage of adults using dating sites dropped from 18% to 15% from 2019 to 2022.
What do dating coaches actually do? And are they legit?
Signs say that more women may want to adopt a strategic approach to dating with the help of a dating coach. But what exactly do dating coaches actually do? At a glance, modern dating coaches help their clients reflect on how they show up on dates and work with them to develop clear, step-by-step plans that have been designed to guarantee their clients the desired outcome that they are looking for.
For Williams, using a dating coach wasn't just about finding a partner; she felt that the process also provided her with the internal transformation that she had been looking for. 'I became the kind of woman who could choose better, who could recognise what healthy love actually looks and feels like. I stopped leading with fear, stopped settling, and stopped over-functioning in relationships to prove I was worthy,' she explains.
The $12,000 Williams spent on a dating coach covered two programs: Get Your Guy and Get Your Ring. Both were six-month programs, and she enrolled in the latter twice. Both programs included weekly 1:1 coaching sessions where the coaches explored everything from flirting style to masculine and feminine energy and any limiting beliefs that were holding her back. While it can be helpful to have some knowledge of masculine and feminine energy while dating, it could be potentially harmful to insinuate that men and women seeking heterosexual partnerships should only be capable of possessing the traits that are typically associated with their gender — after all, a man can have feminine energy and a woman can have masculine energy. I don't think single people should be encouraged to possess a certain energy in their search for love, as this could come across as being performative. Additionally, whether someone who is searching for love is using a dating coach or not, the process will require them to look at all of their personal qualities rather than placing emphasis on the type of energy they have.
'We also explored how I showed up in my career, family dynamics, and friendships, too. We unpacked patterns, rewired strategies, processed emotional triggers, and worked through vulnerability and crash-outs in real time. In my opinion, this wasn't surface-level coaching, it was inner child healing and life transformation,' says Williams. In addition to the weekly 1:1 coaching sessions, the cost covered 24/7 access to her dating coaches via Voxer, bi-weekly group coaching calls on Zoom with other women in the program, access to a private Facebook community and a content library with over 25+ hours of workshops, recorded calls and downloadable worksheets which encouraged learning between sessions.
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'We explored how I showed up in my career, family dynamics, and friendships, too. We unpacked patterns, rewired strategies, processed emotional triggers, and worked through vulnerability and crash-outs in real time."
Shirley Vernae, 39 on dating with the help of a coach
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@shirleyvernae I hadn't been on a single date in 2 years. Met my fiancé last year and got engaged 2 months ago. You're the CEO of your love life. It's time to act like it ❤️ # CEO # #Fiancé # #Engaged # #Relationships # #Dating # #Engagement ♬ Inspirational - neozilla
What qualifications do dating coaches need to have?
While the coaching industry isn't regulated, the International Coaching Federation offers accredited coaching programs that require a minimum of 125 student contact hours, mentor coaching, and a performance evaluation process. It isn't mandatory for a dating coach to have completed a training program or another relevant course but given how fast this space is growing at the moment (largely due to TikTok), women who are considering using a dating coach might want to request their credentials to determine whether they have the level of expertise to help them achieve their goals.
Some dating coaches have burst onto the scene without any experience whatsoever, which is a huge concern when you consider the harmful rhetoric that some are sharing online. The rise in misogyny has led to many dating experts sharing advice on what they think women shouldn't do, for example: further their education or make too much money. It goes without saying that the algorithms on many online platforms have been designed to keep people on them by drawing their attention to content that is similar to what they currently engage with. This can result in more people having access to content that is incredibly problematic.
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Whether you've given up on dating altogether or remain hopeful, dating coaching appears to be centered on the age-old notion that prioritizing the relationship you have with yourself can get you closer to the relationship you want.
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The differences between a self-appointed relationship coach on social media and a dating or relationship coach lie in their background, the level of qualifications that they have, and, of course, their ability to help clients achieve their desired results. 'Before working with a qualified dating coach, I hadn't been on a single date in two years,' Vernae said. 'That's not luck, that's through wisdom, guidance, alignment, strategy, and support that actually works.'
Williams worked with two coaches: Anwar White (whose dating advice has gone viral on TikTok) and Shoya Collins, both of whom are Black. Anwar is a trained professional with over 14 years of dating coaching experience. 'His approach is strategic, emotionally intelligent, and built for transformation. His method of coaching has guided hundreds of women into healthy, committed relationships,' Williams says. Collins is a dating coach and life coach who has worked with a wide range of clientele, from Fortune 500 CEOs to everyday women who are trying to improve their dating life. 'Together, they coached me not just into love but into alignment, and that is what made all the difference,' Williams said.
Why are some single women turning to dating coaches?
Williams' story speaks to the intentionality that is required from single women who want to find love. Whether you've given up on dating altogether or remain hopeful, dating coaching appears to be centered on the age-old notion that prioritizing the relationship you have with yourself can get you closer to the relationship you want. However, there are single women keeping this belief at the heart of all their dating lives, and still aren't having much luck when it comes to finding the one. Investing in a dating coach isn't a decision to be taken lightly — it goes without saying that $12,000 is a lot of money to invest. In the UK, personal coaches can average at around £125 per hour, but this can vary depending on experience and location. So, should young people be investing in their dating lives the way they would invest in a property, education, or stocks, and why is the idea of hiring one so appealing?
'Dating coaches hold people accountable throughout their dating journeys. With a dating coach, you'll receive personalized support with your dating style and patterns in real time. This can help you stay intentional, focused on growth and your goals, while also providing a safe space to share some of the emotional load that can come with dating,' author and psychotherapist Tasha Bailey explains.
While it seems like dating coaches can create much-needed change in the lives of their clients, the reality is that it is incredibly expensive to hire one. In the US, the average person spends $243 on dating apps each year, and in the UK, more single people than ever are paying for apps, with Tinder noting a 33% increase in subscriptions in 2023, compared to 2022. So if dating already costs a considerable amount for the average single person, then hiring a dating coach to support you along the way wouldn't be feasible for most people. Additionally, there appears to be a stigma in paying for anything associated with dating, as people worry about what others will think, probably because in an ideal world, most single people would rather meet someone in a traditional way and have a cute story to tell.
The emotional load that can come with dating is something that most Black women are all too familiar with. Stereotyping, misogyny, fetishization, and racism are just some of the issues we have dealt with. For Black women who want to be more intentional with their search for love, the current state of the modern dating scene may encourage an introspective and strategic look at dating.
A dating coach could help some women find the balance they need, irrespective of where they are in their dating lives. There's no rulebook that says that dating apps and dating coaches can be used simultaneously; however, it's important to know the difference between the two. 'Dating apps are more accessible than dating coaches due to their cost and popularity, and there isn't a shortage of potential suitors. However, because of the paradox of choice, they often lack intentionality, meaning that women are more likely to encounter unserious matches or even lose sight of their own romantic goals in the process,' Bailey explains.
Although I walked away from the dating scene over a year ago, I wondered if there were things I could learn from a dating coach for when I decide to start dating again. In a 1:1 session with Relationship Expert and Licensed Therapist Shemiah Derrick, we discussed dating goals, the qualities I'd be looking for in a partner, and my green and red flags. We also created a dating prep checklist, which consists of questions that I can ask myself while dating so that I can keep my priorities in place when I am ready to start dating again. Society places a lot of emphasis on single women living life on their own terms, but those who desire a relationship or marriage will need to be fully aware of how they show up on dates and what they're looking for in a potential partner. In the age of dating apps, many women are waiting to be chosen by potential suitors, but with the assistance of a dating coach, they are given the skills, tools, and knowledge that they need to curate their own dating experiences.
What should you consider when choosing a dating coach?
If you're thinking about hiring a dating coach to help you date more intentionally, there are some things you should consider. Firstly, your choice of coach. 'Choose someone who understands your lived experience and the nuances that come with your race, body type, and other aspects of your identity,' Bailey says. Desirability politics has had an impact on how Black women navigate the dating scene, which is understandable considering the negative experiences we may encounter along the way, like racism, misogyny, fetishization, and outdated stereotypes. The services that dating coaches provide aren't designed to make you question who you are but rather to embrace your wants, needs, and values. 'A good dating coach should help you clarify your dating goals and find supportive ways to navigate any dating blocks that may arise along the way,' Bailey says.
Dating is more difficult than it has ever been, and in a time where single women's choices are constantly being policed, we'd be forgiven if taking a strategic approach to dating were the last thing on our minds. However, drowning out the noise and centring ourselves with the help and support of a qualified professional in the form of a dating coach might be just what we need to stay on track and to ensure we are navigating the dating scene with the same level of intention that we are seeking in a potential partner. The uncertainty that comes with dating in 2025 will undoubtedly require single women to focus and really get clear on what they are looking for. Whether you use the services of a dating coach or not, it's always worth remembering that you have a lot more control over your dating life than you probably think you do.