Cleverly vs Rayner is no sideshow – it's an audition
The answer: James Cleverly. Tough. Egotistical. Simply irresistible. When his name flashed up on TV – 'Cleverly to shadow Rayner' – he probably punched the air and cried: 'The boys are back in town!' This is the kind of self-confident, political jock who gives his penis not only a name but a military rank.
Lieutenant Colonel Big Jim thrust his way into the Commons, presumably looking for some MPs to congratulate him – but found the benches sparse.
'Twas the last day before recess and the subject was Birmingham bin collections, so there were just 15 in the chamber, including four Gaza independents and Jeremy Corbyn (dressed, out of solidarity, in a binman's waterproof jacket). Cleverly said hello to a whip and left.
A pity, because the subject is fascinating. Unions accuse Labour-run Brum of cutting workers' wages, and Unite has suspended Angela Rayner's membership for backing the council. It's akin to when the Kronstadt sailors turned on the Bolsheviks, having discovered that the Left in power can be every bit as mean and nasty as the upper class.
It's also a preview of future public sector strikes thanks to the Treasury's fiscal rules. Hence Rayner is privately arguing for tax rises rather than cuts, along with action to address the impact of mass migration. As the rubbish piles higher, the only alternative – and I wouldn't put it past Labour – is to give the rats the vote.
Rayner is as clever as Cleverly, and the prospect of the two arguing at the despatch box might be Kemi's best move yet – though it carries risk.
Cleverly would like to be Tory leader some day, preferably tomorrow; so he'll revel in the exposure. Rayner is equally ambitious, and the rebellion among Left-wing MPs, along with the spectre of a Corbynite party, strengthens her hand.
A year ago, Starmer planned to govern as a centrist: balance the books, unleash business. But the economy refuses to grow, however much the Chancellor shouts at it, and the welfare mutiny has put redistribution back on the agenda. One can imagine the parliamentary Left turning on Starmer, with Rayner – goddess of social housing – as their preferred candidate.
Cleverly vs Rayner is no sideshow. It's an audition.
Till then, the few MPs still around are packing bags, ordering taxis. Soon the palace will empty but for the ghosts of dead kings and Maggie, the Speaker's tortoise (he also has a parrot called Boris and cats called Attlee and Clem).
The Chancellor gave a final discourse on her 'three pillars' to running the economy at a gentle Lords committee, which was a nice way to round off the term. At one point, she appeared to put her head in her hands. Behind her, the cameras caught me with my head lolling back, mouth open, snoring like a dog.
Till my phone pinged. Latest reshuffle news: Alan Mak is out. The world tilted on its axis; I felt a great disturbance in the force. There was little left to live for but to file a suggested headline: 'MAK THE KNIFED.' Job done, back to sleep.
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