Carolyn Hax: Wife watches TV during work, then complains about her productivity
Dear Carolyn: My wife and I both work from home and generally coexist peacefully during work hours. But there's one thing I can't wrap my head around: She watches TV on an iPad while working. It's not just background noise. On one screen, she'll be working on slides for a presentation, and on the other, she is watching something.
I've brought it up, saying it doesn't seem right. She's being paid to work, not to watch TV. I have a problem with this: If one of my employees did this, then I wouldn't be okay with it. But she insists that as long as she gets her work done, there's nothing wrong with it.
At the same time, she often says she has trouble being productive and wonders whether she might have ADHD. Hello! She doesn't seem to connect the dots that this could be a distraction. But is it possible it actually helps her focus?
I don't want this to become a thing between us, but I just can't understand how she thinks this is okay. Do I need to drop it and accept that some people just work this way?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: I get this. I have trouble being productive when my forehead is on my keyboard.
Agh. Agh. Agh.
So. [Shifts ice pack.] Yes, theoretically, it is possible for some bizarre work arrangements that would render the rest of us useless to be helpful to some people's productivity. Even TV. It's so personal.
But when your wife tells you she has 'trouble being productive,' then it is okay to propose some dot-connections she hasn't made on her own — yet! (I'm told optimism is healthy.) Including TV dot to not-productive dot.
Agh. Agh. Agh.
Now — in fairness, if she's paid per project vs. for her time, then her inefficiency is her problem, not her employer's, as you suggest. So if you're okay as long as this is 'okay,' then it might be okay.
Plus, if she's right about her wiring, which I suspect she really really is, then 'efficiency' as most of us know it might not be an option for her.
However, she seems not to be okay with it. Plus, not actively doing something else while working remains ripe, low-hanging, dot-connecting fruit — so I'd argue it's time for you to respond to one of her ADHD musings with, 'You keep saying that, so let's find out.'
Then either offer to book her an evaluation, to make it official and unlock diagnosis-specific treatments, or suggest she assume it's positive and start implementing nonmedical workday adaptations for people with ADHD. Because why not. Try CHADD as a starter resource.
Or do both, because it's not unheard-of for doctors or psychologists to book testing more than a year out, depending on where you live.
If this seems like a lot of you-advice for a her-problem, from a longtime nonbeliever in that, then, welcome to cohabiting with ADHD (and maybe a touch of executive dysfunction). Assuming your wife does have it, then you can probably attest to its many gifts, from creativity to humor to insight to spontaneity — a living antidote to boredom. But the gift of follow-through may never be under your tree.
So if her quirk space genuinely encroaches on your marriage, then consider some targeted, limited, consensual involvement in the follow-through with the various interventions. On the theory that if she could manage it herself, then she wouldn't need them.
Last thing. All snark aside, patience and an open mind might be the key interventions — so you seem like the right spouse for her. Good luck.
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