7 Relationship Habits That Secretly May Be Signs Of ADHD
Do you find it difficult to focus on a task when your partner is talking to you? Do you go to bed much later than your partner? Do you take comments from your partner personally, even when they don't mean to criticize you?
While everyone in relationships may experience these scenarios, when they happen often or to an extreme, they can be signs of ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder).
ADHD 'is not just a deficit of attention or someone being hyperactive … [it's] very much about self-management.' said Dr. Lidia Zylowska, associate professor at the University of Minnesota School of Medicine and author of 'The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD.' 'It's really a different way of experiencing … or reacting to the world.'
ADHD affects a person's executive functions, which are skills in the brain that help plan, organize, prioritize, complete tasks and regulate emotions.
'All of these play into relationships and … dynamics between couples,' explained Sharon Saline, a clinical psychologist who specializes in ADHD. '[And] sometimes the partner who doesn't have ADHD assumes that the partner who does have ADHD is doing things on purpose that they're not [intentionally] doing.'
It's important for both partners to understand each other so they can have compassion and build a strong relationship, Zylowska added.
We talked to therapists about habits in relationships that could be signs of ADHD — and tips for both partners for working through their differences:
You may have 'challenges with emotional regulation, [such as] losing your temper, being overwhelmed by anxiety [or] having big feelings that you struggle to rein in,' Saline said.
This includes a 'low frustration tolerance,' explained Terry Matlen, psychotherapist, founder of ADDConsults and author of 'The Queen of Distraction.' For example, you may have a tantrum about something that seems trivial, like losing the TV remote.
'This can … cause … friction and anger in the [other] partner and embarrassment in the person with ADHD,' she said.
It's important to recognize what your triggers are and how you respond to them, she advised.
'Instead of acting … out in ways that can hurt others, give yourself a timeout,' she said. 'Head to the bathroom or other quiet space, [and] talk it out to yourself: 'I'm really angry/upset/hurt because ….''
Deep breathing, taking a warm bath or journaling also can help you calm down.
'If it's too late and you've lost control, apologize to your partner and make a plan for how to manage this moving forward,' she said.
A lot of people who have ADHD may experience rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is a 'hypersensitivity to rejection or negative feedback like criticism,' explained Billy Roberts, founder and clinical director of Focused Mind ADHD Counseling.
'You may be actually quite sensitive to how you are scanning and noticing what's happening in the relationship,' Zylowska said.
The person with ADHD may perceive that someone is trying to hurt or reject them, even when that's not necessarily happening, Matlen added. The person who doesn't have ADHD may 'tiptoe around their partner' because they're afraid of hurting their feelings.
The person with ADHD may shut down because they're anticipating rejection or overact when their partner really isn't trying to criticize, Roberts said. Just being aware of the fact that this can happen when you have ADHD and being able to talk about this with your partner can make a difference, he advised.
You could say something like, 'I got the impression that you were mad at me when I said that I couldn't pick up the laundry. Can we talk through that?' Roberts explained. Also ask yourself, 'Am I inferring tone here … or did [my partner] explicitly criticize me?'
While it can come from impulsivity, 'people with ADHD [may also] interrupt because they got really excited about something that they just heard,' said Marcy Caldwell, clinical psychologist and founder and director of The Center For ADHD. But the other partner may be thinking, 'You didn't care about what I had to say.'
It can be helpful when the person with ADHD owns their behavior and says something like, 'I know I interrupt a lot, and I'm really sorry. … How does it feel to you?' she said. And explain the reason behind the behavior, whether you are wanting to add to what they're saying or don't want to forget something.
There also are behavioral tips that work for some people to help them not interrupt, like sitting on their hands or writing a thought down instead of saying it verbally, she said. Matlen also recommends looking at the person's lips while they are talking to hold their attention.
'It engages more than one of our senses: visual and audio,' she said. 'Using a fidget can also work wonders to keep your mind sharp and attentive.'
If the partner with ADHD is hyper-focused on something, they may have a difficult time being pulled away from that, Caldwell explained.
'Let's say the ADHD person is writing or working on something and the partner comes in to ask a quick question, that can lead to some irritability or … [the partner feeling completely ignored],' Caldwell said. 'It just is really hard for an ADHD brain to be taken off task.'
She recommends that the person with ADHD use a visual cue when they need to focus, such as wearing headphones or closing the door. Explain to your partner that's a sign to please not interrupt you unless it's an emergency or something time-sensitive.
Someone with ADHD may have a hard time feeling internally motivated to do a task or goal if it's not interesting or feels particularly overwhelming, Roberts explained. Their partner may perceive it as that they are intentionally not doing a task, but in reality, their brains are just processing it differently.
'A neurotypical brain tends to be motivated by important things and by priorities, [like] it's important to do the dishes at the end of the night,' Caldwell said, adding that someone with ADHD tends 'to be motivated by competition, novelty, interest and pressure.' For example, someone may wait until 'there are no clean dishes and then it feels important to clean.'
Have a conversation with your partner about what they like to do and do well, and take that into account when you're both deciding how to divide up household tasks, Saline said. For instance, maybe one partner likes to cook while the other prefers to handle maintenance of the house.
Using apps that gamify chores and setting reminder notifications also can help both partners stay on track, Caldwell added.
Someone with ADHD often feels 'like evening is the time … to catch up on everything,' Zylowska said. 'When they do get in bed … they may have trouble unwinding and listen to music, scroll through their phone or watch TV.'
This can cause issues if their partner goes to bed earlier and is a light sleeper or really cares about going to bed at the same time as their partner.
'The … partner may feel isolated and lonely, [and] sexual relations may become sporadic,' Matlen said. 'The noise of an active, awake partner [also] can create sleep issues for the [other person].'
Matlen recommends setting time before bed to cuddle together, even if each partner goes to sleep at a different time. If the night owl is disturbing the sleep of the other person, some couples may decide on separate bedrooms and connect other times throughout the day. Or if it's important for them to be in bed at the same time, one person could use headphones or a reading light while the other sleeps, Zylowska said.
'Finding ways to accept each other's rhythms versus trying to force them out of it is the way to go,' Matlen said.
'The spontaneity, intensity and fun that [a person with ADHD] can bring to you as a couple can be incredibly refreshing,' Matlen said.
For example, the person with ADHD may always be looking for creative date ideas or new hobbies to try with their partner, Caldwell said. Or maybe they suggest spontaneous ways to spice up their romance, like a foot massage or taking a bubble bath, Matlen added.
'[Usually] we partner with people who bring something different than what we [do],' Caldwell said. And having an appreciation for this and how your strengths complement each other is an important foundation for a healthy relationship.
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