Daddy bombs Iran, spanks NATO, and somehow ends up the peacemaker
Fresh off dropping an 'F bomb' on both Iran and Israel for blowing up the only ceasefire in history ever announced exclusively on his social media feed , US President Donald Trump hopped on his jet and headed straight to the NATO summit. Everyone wondered what mood he'd land in after crossing the Atlantic.
Apparently not feeling like rolling the dice, NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte wrote him a love letter in advance, suggesting that the scariest weapon of mass destruction for NATO is the American president's mouth. 'You are flying into another big success in The Hague. It was not easy but we've got them all signed onto five percent! Donald, you have driven us to a really, really important moment for America and Europe, and the world,' Rutte gushed. 'You will achieve something NO American president in decades could get done. Europe is going to pay in a BIG way – as they should – and it will be your win.'
Hard to believe this guy was once the prime minister of the Netherlands. Oh, President Trump, way to really stick it to Europe! What a wonderful thing you've just done to make almost all of Europe subsidize the American military industrial complex to the tune of 5% of their GDP!
Back when Trump first started hounding Europe to cough up 2.5% of their GDP for defense, European leaders rolled their eyes. But after nuking their own energy-driven economy with their anti-Russia, pro-Ukraine policies, they've decided to embrace the idea like they thought of it themselves. Nothing like selling European taxpayers on buying a ton more US and European hardware under the pretext of a hypothetical 2030 Russian invasion. Perfect cover for a spending spree that will become the problem of whoever's in office by then (ie. not them).
Trump initially wanted them all on a 2.5% spending target. But heaven forbid American arms dealers hog all the action. Europe's military industrial complex needs a piece too. Hence, 5% for everyone and a double-dip dinner at the weapons buffet.
Trump showed up straight from showcasing US bombs on Iranian soil – one giant demo reel for his European customers. When he landed, Rutte practically faceplanted directly into Trump's backside.
And if you thought what he wrote to Trump was cringey, wait till you hear what Rutte said aloud in the wake of Trump bombing Iran for Israel – er, I mean, for peace: 'You are a man of strength but also a man of peace, and the fact that you also successfully got this ceasefire between Israel and Iran, I really want to commend you for that,' Rutte cooed. 'Without President Trump, this would not have happened. Absolutely not.'
Way to thank an arsonist for putting out his own fire. What's next: nominating him for Fireman of the Year? Even the press did a double-take, basically asking Rutte, Bro, you sure you want him reading your fan mail on live TV? Answer: Absolutely. 'Not embarrassed,' Rutte replied.
The NATO secretary general sounded so enamored with Trump that you had to wonder why the two of them didn't just get a room already. 'Daddy has to sometimes use strong language,' Rutte told journalists, referring to Trump, as journalists may or may not have barfed into the nearest potted plant.
Between remarks like that and all the gushing about how Trump was making Europe pay for the privilege of being extorted for a protection racket that Trump says isn't even sure that he would honor, it all sounded so sadomasochistic that I started to feel like maybe I should be paying for this kind of kinky TV content. Or I guess you could say that European taxpayers already are – to the tune of 5% of GDP.
And as for Europe being taken to the cleaners, Rutte had this to say about those who might struggle to pay up, like Spain, which opted to stick to 2%:
'Countries have to find the money.'
Easy to say as the former Dutch Prime Minister – and now, unelected NATO chief – safely off the electoral hook.
Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez isn't quite so glib, promising to hold the line at a much lower 2% spending target. How long before other NATO leaders realize that they can say no, too? Polish President Andrzej Duda already called the 5% pledge a mere 'gentleman's agreement,' insisting there'd be no penalties for ignoring it.
Sounds like those school spirit rallies where the star quarterback expects everyone to cheer for the big game, then everyone just goes home and does their own thing afterwards.
Speaking of which, Ukraine apparently isn't the center of the universe anymore. 'The fact that Zelensky will not participate in any official form at the NATO summit clearly indicates that the previous chapter is over,' Hungarian PM Viktor Orbán suggested. 'The Americans, Turks, Slovaks and we have made it clear we do not want to sit at the same table with him.' Zelensky even swapped the pizza delivery look for undertaker chic. Perhaps a better match for the current state of his country. Or maybe just his ego.
As for the usual pre-summit group photo – it looked like the teachers made sure that Trump and Zelensky weren't together for it, hoping to avoid a reprise of their White House spat when Trump smacked him with the rhetorical equivalent of a stapler to the face.
And forget any serious focus on countering China. The leaders of NATO's would-be Asia partners – South Korea and Japan – bailed to deal with the economic fallout of Trump bombing the Middle East and spiking their oil prices.
And so NATO stumbles on, proving that when Trump cracks the whip, Europe says, 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?'
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