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How to know when it's time to break up with a friend, and do it kindly
Last year, I began to feel uncomfortable in one of my longest-held friendships. Political and value-based differences that had always been present seemed to get more apparent, especially as the world became a more polarized place, and I found myself feeling more and more confined by the relationship. After an upfront conversation about our opposing views that ended without resolution, I had a strong gut feeling that it was time to step away. I wondered how to go about ending a platonic friendship in such a direct, final way. I had been on both sides of romantic breakups before, but friendship breakups somehow felt more taboo and less socially acceptable. 'With friendships, we expect a certain unconditionality,' says Raha Mirian, a registered psychotherapist and the founder and clinical director of MindSeed in Toronto. 'We have an image in our mind of friendships as being solid, emotional anchors and expect that they will last through the different cycles and events in our lives, so it's surprising and not expected when a friendship ends, much more so than a romantic relationship.' As an only child, friendships have always been particularly important to me. But in fairness to both myself and my friend, I knew what I had to do. After a discussion with my therapist about how to be kind yet honest, I ended our friendship on a FaceTime call. It was both incredibly difficult and the right thing to do. If you're feeling disconnected or distant from a friend, Mirian says it's important to remember that friendships naturally change and progress over time, and that doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with the relationship. 'Some friends move in and out of our lives as we change and as our lives shift,' she says, 'and sometimes we're on a more parallel path.' This is different from having conflict or a rupture within a relationship, however, or from a situation where a friendship is actively causing you distress. Gen Z is bringing back the double date First Person: Yes, men and women can be real friends without sex getting in the way To determine whether a friendship is harming your well-being or mental health, Mirian suggests asking yourself if you constantly feel anxious or tense after interacting with this person, if you feel you have to hide parts of yourself in this relationship and if your boundaries are being crossed. 'We want friendships to build us up, to encourage us, to help us be better,' says Shelly Qualtieri, a registered social worker in Calgary who provides therapy to individuals and couples navigating issues with unhealthy interpersonal relationships. 'When we start feeling a bit more emotionally drained in those interactions, when we're feeling dread leading up to those interactions, that is a time when maybe we want to re-evaluate that friendship.' It may also be time to consider a breakup when a friendship is entirely one-sided, when your core values aren't aligned or in conflict with one another, or when trust isn't present. But before turning to a breakup right away, Qualtieri says the first step should be open communication. If you express how you're feeling to your friend and you're met with openness, kindness and honesty, the rupture may be able to be repaired. But if you're met with defensiveness, deflection or blaming, and you leave the conversation feeling worse than when you entered it, that may be a sign it's time to take a step back. Telling a friend you no longer want to be in their life is no easy feat, especially in a society where 'ghosting' is more common than open dialogue. 'I think many people are quick to 'ghost' a friend, not because they don't care, but because they haven't learned how to navigate conflict,' Mirian says. 'Avoiding might feel easier in the moment, but it often leaves behind unresolved hurt.' When considering how to break up with a friend, Mirian points to vulnerability researcher Brené Brown's famous quote: 'Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.' Having an honest conversation might be scary, but it is ultimately the more respectful approach. Before the conversation, pay attention to your own emotions and try to find a sense of calm so as to avoid saying anything hurtful, Mirian says. Only once your emotions are regulated should you share your own thoughts, feelings and needs, and take care not to place blame on the other person. 'You should leave space for the complexities and acknowledge and honour the positive impact of the relationship and what it's meant to you, while also naming your needs and boundaries,' she says. If possible, Qualtieri says the conversation should happen in person, or at the very least over a video call if you're located in different places. This shows that you respect the other person and the history that you share. Enduring the end of a friendship, especially a long-standing one, is likely to be painful, whether you chose to end it or not. 'The depth of connection, shared history, that sense of unconditional acceptance and camaraderie we often associate with deep friendships can make the loss feel particularly devastating,' she says. 'You might also lose a larger social circle or a sense of identity that is tied to that relationship.' Don't minimize how it's affecting you – let yourself cry and feel sad, angry or confused, and honour the time it takes you to move through it, Mirian says, adding that it is important to take extra care of yourself during this time, whether it's connecting with a supportive friend, spending time in nature or engaging in any other self-soothing activity. 'Don't isolate – seek the support of friends, your family, your larger community,' she says. 'You've lost an anchor of belonging, so make an effort to lean into your support system.' You may also want to do some kind of symbolic gesture to give yourself closure, Qualtieri says, like writing a letter to your friend without sending it. Journaling about what you're looking for in new friendships, how this friendship served you and how it held you back can also be helpful, she says. 'Sometimes going to counselling and therapy can really help you talk through the process of what happened in the relationship,' Qualtieri adds. 'We can take something from every relationship and friendship we've been in, if we consider what we've learned from it and how we want to grow from it.'
