Ask an expert: I've never felt worthy of love or attention - how can I start?
"How can I learn to genuinely love myself and see myself as deserving of being at the centre of my own life, especially when the messages around me seem to suggest otherwise?" Photo / Getty Images
How does the 26-year-old letter writer start to believe she deserves 'love, hobbies and happiness?'
Q: I'm 26 years old and ethnically South Asian. I've never really felt worthy of love or attention – romantic or otherwise. Growing up, I didn't feel like I deserved hobbies or interests just for
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NZ Herald
3 days ago
- NZ Herald
Ask an expert: I've never felt worthy of love or attention - how can I start?
"How can I learn to genuinely love myself and see myself as deserving of being at the centre of my own life, especially when the messages around me seem to suggest otherwise?" Photo / Getty Images How does the 26-year-old letter writer start to believe she deserves 'love, hobbies and happiness?' Q: I'm 26 years old and ethnically South Asian. I've never really felt worthy of love or attention – romantic or otherwise. Growing up, I didn't feel like I deserved hobbies or interests just for
NZ Herald
26-05-2025
- NZ Herald
Opinion: When breast isn't best
Overwhelming emotions of guilt, frustration and exhaustion were echoed in the largest-ever qualitative study on the impact of breastfeeding difficulties on maternal mental health. Photo / Getty Images The more my baby breastfeeds, the chubbier his cheeks grow, and the hollower mine become. Yet I continue, captive to the pervasive belief that breastfeeding is the measure of my maternal devotion. The pressure started before my baby was born. The Meta algorithm served up reels of mumfluencers championing the mantra that breast is best. Even after my baby arrived, I fielded comments from a well-meaning stranger, a retired midwife, who felt compelled to remark on my baby's jiggling fat rolls, saying, 'You can tell he's breastfed.' But my exhaustion and cracked nipples tell a different story. My husband pleads with me to give the baby a bottle of formula during the early hours so I can sleep, but the guilt lingers. If I truly cared, wouldn't I push through? I feel like a failure, lazy for needing a break. I see the varied realities of feeding at playgroups and baby sensory classes. We all started with the intention to breastfeed, yet many face challenges. Some mothers struggle with low milk supply while others find breastfeeding unbearably painful due to cracked and tender nipples. Some babies are tongue-tied and unable to latch, while others have allergic reactions to proteins in their mother's diet and thrive better on formula, which can be gentler on their stomachs. There's an unspoken shame and guilt, as everyone seems fixated on justifying their decision. These overwhelming emotions of guilt, frustration and exhaustion were echoed in the largest-ever qualitative study on the impact of breastfeeding difficulties on maternal mental health. Recently published in Scientific Reports, more than 1000 women detailed their nursing experiences from the past decade. The findings were both affirming and heartbreaking. Participants were highly motivated to breastfeed, equating it with being a 'good mother'. Many believed it should come naturally, feeling something was wrong with them when they faced difficulties. One participant shared their heartbreaking experience, saying, 'My mood was extremely low, I felt abandoned by medical professionals who then judged me for not instinctively knowing how to breastfeed. I felt I was failing and alone.' Another added, 'I was extremely stressed, depressed, alone in my struggles, unheard by midwives who were no help.' It's well-documented that maternal mental health plays a critical role in the first 1000 days of a child's life. It doesn't just affect the mother, but also an infant's health and the quality of the bond between the parent and child. However, the study highlights how there is a significant gap in Western antenatal education which leaves mothers unprepared for the challenges of breastfeeding. On top of that, judgment from healthcare professionals heightens distress. This judgment starts from the first night in the hospital. If your milk hasn't come in yet and formula is the only way to comfort your crying baby, you're required to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks, compounding the guilt during a vulnerable time. Surely then, it's time to reconsider the medical community's focus on breastfeeding when 12-18% of Kiwi mothers struggle with their mental health during the perinatal period? These figures are even higher for Māori, Pacific and Asian populations, widening existing inequalities. However, Aotearoa is a signatory to the WHO International Code of Marketing of Breast Milk Substitutes, which mandates that health workers protect and promote breastfeeding. Consequently, dairy companies face restrictions on how they can advertise infant formula, a policy with valid concerns rooted in a history of aggressive marketing tactics. Yes, there are widely documented benefits for both mothers and children. Research shows short-term advantages for babies, such as a reduced risk of gastrointestinal disorders and allergic rashes. Modern parents must weigh these trade-offs to decide what works best for them. While breastfeeding can lower a mother's risk of breast cancer in the long term, this benefit may not outweigh the immediate challenges some face. Beyond the data, one universal truth emerges: mothers need grace. We need to remember that our happiness and wellbeing matter, too. Why can't we simply choose not to breastfeed if that's what we want? After all, the bottom line is the same for all of us—our babies are fed, warm, and loved. And yet, we still blame ourselves for falling short of the so-called gold standard of exclusive breastfeeding. Society's contradictions only exacerbate the pressure. You might be ridiculed for breastfeeding an older toddler in public or for having a 'needy' baby attached to you for comfort. You're also expected to wean to prepare for daycare in an economy dependent on two incomes and minimal government-paid parental leave, which ends just six months postpartum. Even as I continue to breastfeed, judgement finds me. A relative tells me to cover up in a cafe because people are staring. Another blames my caffeine consumption for my baby's frequent night waking. Later, I learn her own children never slept through the night; she shut their doors and left them to cry it out. Looking back, I realise that whether my baby was breastfed never mattered. What mattered was that he was fed, warm, and loved.
Scoop
22-05-2025
- Scoop
No New Spending Announced For Primary Care In Budget 2025
Press Release – ProCare Health Leading healthcare provider, ProCare, has called today's Budget extremely disappointing for primary care, with no new spending announced. While the Budget document touts a significant investment of $440.7 million over five years, the reality is that none of that is new money. Bindi Norwell, CEO at ProCare says: 'Whist we acknowledge and welcome the pre-announced money which will help improve access, retention, and performance in general practice; the Government has not further invested in the wider primary care system as was anticipated by the sector. 'Last year's commitment to health care barely covered inflation and population growth, let alone addressing the issues we have with an aging population. This year's new commitment is a paltry sum with additional requirements, that in real terms suggests the government investment in primary care is going backwards. 'While our colleagues in secondary care will likely be welcoming the announcement, particularly the infrastructure investment for new hospitals, the reality is that primary care is once again missing out. Primary care has been underfunded for years now and is in desperate need of a significant funding investment,' continues Norwell. 'It's integral to invest in preventative care to keep people out of hospitals. Research shows that every dollar invested in general practice saves around $13 to $15 in secondary healthcare costs. Not investing more seems counter-intuitive to keeping our population well and to saving money in the long run,' points out Norwell. 'Today's announcement will likely hit consumers hard, as practices will likely need to increase their fees again to cover the costs of keeping the lights on and paying their staff,' concludes Norwell. About ProCare ProCare is a leading healthcare provider that aims to deliver the most progressive, pro-active and equitable health and wellbeing services in Aotearoa. We do this through our clinical support services, mental health and wellness services, virtual/tele health, mobile health, smoking cessation and by taking a population health and equity approach to our mahi. As New Zealand's largest Primary Health Organisation, we represent a network of general practice teams and healthcare professionals who provide care to nearly 700,000 patients across Auckland. These practices serve the largest Pacific and South Asian populations enrolled in general practice and the largest Māori population in Tāmaki Makaurau. For more information go to
