A gay man's road to parenthood: 'Three adoption agencies turned me down flat'

Irish Examiner

5 days ago

Vincent Ryan always knew he wanted to be a father... and today the Manchester-based Co Kilkenny native is a proud dad to two boys, Alfie, seven, and Theodore, three.
'The three of us are a little tribe and it just works,' he says.
Ryan's route to parenthood hasn't been conventional or easy. Both boys are adopted and Ryan, who is gay and single, had to contend with preconceptions and prejudice from the moment he sought to be considered as a parent.
Three adoption agencies turned me down flat.' A fourth agreed to take him on, with the caveat that it would be 'a challenge'.
Once the adoption agency had completed its rigorous assessment, a report was sent to an independent adoption panel, which further scrutinised Ryan.
He not only had to contend with the intense (albeit necessary) interrogation that comes with the adoption process but felt he faced an unwarranted focus on his sexual orientation.
'The questions weren't so much based always around my capability [to be a parent] but around my sexuality,' he says.
'But I'm very determined, so I don't really believe in the word 'no'. I'll always fight the cause and find a way. And thankfully I managed to get through.'
Managing to get through has been a leitmotif of Ryan's life. Growing up in a small Irish rural town through the 1980s and '90s, he knew he was 'different' but, in a time when gay visibility was practically non-existent, he found himself unable to 'put a label' on that difference.
'I didn't know anyone like me,' he says. 'Back then, [being gay] wasn't ever spoken about. There was no reference to it whatsoever.'
Vincent Ryan with his kids Alfie and Theo
Ryan 'struggled massively' at school and was bullied for being 'clearly different'. Things 'weren't great' at home, either, he says, and he 'didn't have the best relationship' with his own father.
Towards the end of his time in secondary school, Ryan developed anorexia. 'I didn't finish school with any qualifications and I almost ran away.'
He didn't, though; instead, serendipity intervened when he spotted an ad for cabin crew on Aertel, RTÉ's teletext service. 'I researched it and I thought, 'OK, I can fly and get away and escape.''
Ryan got the job and 'that was the start of finding out who I was; mixing with other people like me'.
The support of his newfound friendships in Dublin gave him the courage to come out to his family at 19. 'None of them were surprised. None of them were shocked.' Sadly, however, some of his extended family 'disowned' him and remain estranged.
Ryan loved his job but his goal had always been to work for Virgin Atlantic and, in 2002, he applied for a cabin crew position and was accepted. This precipitated a move to London aged 19 which, he says, was 'really tough because at that point I was still really insecure'.
Ryan, now 43, still works for the company (although he no longer flies) and finds its inclusive work environment 'so accepting' and 'so lovely'.
A 'horrible break-up' and his father's untimely death at 52 prompted a move to Manchester in 2013. His goal of being happily settled 'just never happened — and it's still not happened for me'.
In 2015, Ryan read a magazine article about LGBT+ adoption. The piece was 'couple-based' but it got him wondering if he could adopt solo — something he'd never realised could be an option — and he set about looking for an agency to take him on.
Vincent Ryan and his two children, out and about
RESILIENCE
The resilience he had acquired from past adversities stood to him throughout the challenging process of becoming approved as an adoptive parent.
'There were lots of tears and many times I rang my mom to say, 'I just can't do this.' But there's always been a determination in me since I was young from being bullied and the anorexia. I'd sit and think, 'Do you know what? I didn't give up then, and I'm not going to give up now. There will be a way through.'' And there was.
In August 2017, Ryan was signed off as a concurrent carer and an approved adopter. The former comes with in-built uncertainty and extreme emotional challenges.
'The child has contact with their birth family once or twice a week in a contact centre [while] you're doing everything a parent does,' Ryan explains.
'But you can never refer to yourself as 'dad'. You're not dad until the courts rule that they stay with you for adoption but, in the back of your mind, there's always that thought that you could get a phone call one day… and then you literally get a limited amount of time to pack up, get everything ready, and hand them back.'
Despite his mother's urging to choose the straightforward adoption route, Ryan was adamant being a concurrent carer was the right path for him. 'It was important for me to do it that way. I think maybe [because of] what I'd gone through growing up.' Twice, Ryan had his nursery ready only to be told they had 'found other carers'. Then, that October, he got a call to say: 'We've got this little boy, he's a perfect match but we need to move quickly.'
Twenty-four hours later, 10-week-old Alfie arrived 'and he's been with me since'.
He took a year's adoption leave. 'For the first couple of months, we shut ourselves away and just got to know each other and got settled into a routine.' His employer was incredibly supportive and worked with him to rewrite its adoption leave policy to make it more LGBT+ friendly so that 'anyone coming behind me would have the same [support] I had'.
Almost two years passed before Alfie's adoption was finalised. Ryan recalls the emotion of the day he'd longed for but knew might never come, when he was finally able to tell his toddler son he was his dad.
I walked in the door and Alfie ran down the hallway and I said, 'I'm Daddy now.' That word 'dad', after two years, was incredible.
When Alfie was three, Ryan felt he should have a sibling who was also adopted — 'so they'd always have that common bond and that understanding of each other' — and began the process again.
When he arrived, four-day-old Theo was so tiny that Ryan 'could literally hold him in one hand'. Ryan and Theo's birth mother built up an incredible relationship on Theo's twice-weekly visits and, when his adoption was signed off, she sent a letter.
'[It] said, 'I know I can't look after him but he's with you and he's with the right person.' It was humbling. It was beautiful.'
Theo was not meeting his milestones, and tests found he has Noonan syndrome, a rare genetic condition that comes with multiple health challenges, including growth restriction, cardiac issues, and hearing difficulties.
It's a lot but Ryan says 'we cope incredibly well' and that Theo, whom he officially adopted in July 2024, is ' a little warrior'. Alfie and Theo are deeply bonded and 'have this incredible relationship'.
Vincent Ryan and kids: 'It's the most rewarding thing you could ever do'.
He set up the Instagram account @dadonthego_ as a 'diary for the boys' but it has also become a way to spread awareness of Noonan syndrome and of LGBT+ adoption.
'If you have the home and the space and the love and the time, then look into it and invest into it because it's the most rewarding thing you could ever do,' he shares.
He admits that he faces a lot of trolling which is 'hurtful to read,' but says, 'I've always been driven on by bullies. It just lights something in me where I go, 'Do you know what? I'm not having that.' It gets exhausting but I do drive on to try to make that change.'
And he is making change. He believes in 'give and take'. 'It's got to be acceptance and education on both sides. Otherwise, ignorance just breeds ignorance. And where does it end?'
He now sits as a chair on an independent adoption panel with members who had previously interviewed him.
Through his openness and honesty, he was able to raise awareness of what he felt were discriminatory lines of questioning and have them removed from being asked at future panels.
'To be able to play a part in changing that dynamic and how we look at LGBT+ adoption and filter questions that are not needed… it was an incredible turnaround to make sure nobody else has to go through what I went through when it comes to wanting to be a parent.'
The boys adore visiting their Irish nana, and it's a full-circle moment for Ryan.
'When I think about younger Vince who was so sad, so depressed, anorexic, really lonely, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that years down the line my sons would be playing in the garden I played in. I'm a massive believer in everything leads you to where you're meant to be. What I went through built my resilience to have the boys. I don't regret any of it; it happened and it's made me who I am today.'