Workplace etiquette has gone to the dogs – these rules can bring it back

Telegraph

13-04-2025

Ruthless, he must be, I thought: some kind of Ivan the Terrible of the office. A man without fear, a dictator, a veritable piste basher flattening all the snowflakes.
For surely, these days, a boss can't address his company and dish out admonishments? One word of criticism and there'd be a stampede to the psychiatrist's couch. The website Glassdoor, on which employees share horror stories ('My boyfriend had dumped me and my beast of a manager made me come in to work…'), might crash under the weight of anonymous postings about bullying and harassment.
So, how refreshing this week to read of a missive from Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JPMorgan Chase, in which, in no uncertain terms, he dished it out to his employees.
'I see people in meetings all the time who are getting notifications and personal texts or who are reading emails. This has to stop. It's disrespectful. It wastes time,' he raged.
Perhaps, at that very moment, shivering underlings reached for their phones, seeking out the crying emoji, #traumadump. Might there now be rumblings of discontent that spill over into HR, and then ensuing investigations, official warnings, a suspension pending further enquiries?
Well, given that 69-year-old Dimon has run America's biggest bank since 2006 and is known as 'the $25 billion man', in reference to how much the stock would drop if he left tomorrow, this is unlikely. Having woken at 5am, read all the papers, exercised and travelled to his office in midtown Manhattan, where he runs a bank that operates in 100 countries and employs 250,000 people, when he says: 'Stop looking at your phone', you stop looking at your phone and you don't complain about it.
And Dimon does the whole world a favour as he lays the laws of some much-needed office etiquette. 'Talk like you speak; get rid of the jargon,' he also wrote in his letter to shareholders. He also warned people against virtue signalling and said, 'More and more people are being disrespectful, condescending and unwilling to listen to one another.'
Dimon reminds me of a great boss I once had, one John Brown. Each month, he would gather all staff into the office café and address us. First he'd soften us up with readings from the latest issue of his beloved Viz, the magazine he proudly, and very successfully, published. Having read out some choice snippets from Roger's Profanisaurus, as the laughing faded he'd dish out some truths. 'Work starts at 9.30am' he might say. 'That's 9.30am. That doesn't mean you get to the office at 9.30am, have some breakfast, get some coffee, chat with your buddies and then think about walking to your desk. It means starting work at 9.30am.'
He also had a firm company rule that no meeting should last longer than an hour. To which I would add the following 10 rules:
Do not bring your laptop to a meeting. You might say it's there for writing notes, but we all know you're watching Netflix, albeit muted with subtitles on. And don't claim you need it in case a client emails. It can wait. It is only your demented fetish that makes you think anyone needs a reply within 30 seconds of receipt.
Place your phone face down during meetings. Even if it so much as shimmers, do not look at or touch it. And don't think we don't know you're cheating by glimpsing at your Apple Watch.
If you're chatting to a colleague in the office, do not look at your phone until the conversation is over.
Do not walk through the office looking at your phone. You're not that important. No one is. And if they are, they don't look at their phones – they have people to do that for them.
If you're out to lunch with colleagues, friends, even Grandma, do not place your phone by your side as if to say: 'Whatever is on my phone is more important than you, so when it buzzes, I'll be looking at it.' (I once had lunch with a self-important chum who brandished two phones. 'The second one is in case I'm on the first and someone needs to tell me something important.' Needless to say, over two hours, neither even buzzed.)
Do not consistently work late. It does not impress anyone; it merely suggests you can't control your own workflow or delegate efficiently.
Never eat at your desk. It's unhygienic (if your desk is dirty), antisocial (if we don't like the smell of it) and selfish (if we do).
Do not type loudly (and if you do, like me, stay away from the office – see rule 10) or discuss football.
Do not take off your shoes, nor wear shorts (men).
Do not go to the office and don't attend meetings. This is one rule by which I abide, thus avoiding any of the above dangers.