It's all about how you show your goodwill: When love feels like pressure to your child

Time of India

2 days ago

Across Indian cities, particularly in families with children studying in private schools, a silent emotional drift is becoming more common. Parents, despite having the best of intentions, are finding themselves at odds with their children—especially their teenagers.
The painful irony is this: these are not neglectful parents. They are loving, responsible adults doing everything
'right.' Yet their children are pulling away emotionally—retreating into silence, or often, into the online world.
Let me share the story of one such family—a story from my practice that I carry with heaviness and hope.
A 15-year-old boy, academically average and generally well-behaved, withdrawn from his mother. He didn't rebel or act out. He simply stopped talking. No conversations. No smiles. His door stayed closed, and his eyes remained glued to his screen.
Though he was attending school and turning in work, emotionally, he had vanished.
His mother, a single parent, was devastated. She had sacrificed everything to give him the best life—juggling work, finances, and parenting without a partner. 'I've done everything I could,' she told me during our first session, her voice breaking. 'Why won't he even look at me?'
As we peeled back the layers of their relationship, it became clear that the problem wasn't a lack of love.
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In fact, it was an overflow of love—one that came wrapped in constant reminders, daily corrections, edifications and stories of personal sacrifice. Her intent was to guide and support. But to the boy, it all felt like pressure, criticism, and emotional suffocation.
Every interaction seemed to whisper, "You're not doing enough—and look how much I do for you."
This isn't a story of failure. It's a story of misunderstood love.
From Pressure to Presence: A Mother's Journey
We didn't focus on 'fixing' the boy. We worked with the mother on understanding how her care and concern could be expressed differently.
Love, when it comes wrapped in instruction, worry, or disappointment, doesn't always land the way it's meant to. So, she stopped explaining her sacrifices. She paused the lectures. She began to practice what I call silent companionship.
She would leave a plate of food quietly beside him while he played. She began saying things like, 'Hope you slept well' or 'It's chilly' – and keeping socks by his side, not expecting a response—just offering presence.
She folded his clothes and left them on his chair. She held emotional space for him, even when he gave nothing in return.
It wasn't easy. There were nights when she would call me in tears, whispering, 'Will he ever talk to me again?' And then, it happened. One morning, he walked into the kitchen and asked, 'I got bread for breakfast on the way.' One sentence. That's all. But it was everything. It meant he was beginning to feel safe again in her presence.
The emotional door, once locked, had started to creak open.
Image credits: Getty Images
Why Love Needs a Softer Voice
Many parents—especially mothers parenting alone—believe that working harder, guiding more strictly, and correcting more frequently is the path to raising good children. And often, it does lead to outward success. But in the process, emotional connection may erode.
Children don't remember every instruction. But they do remember how they felt when they came home after failing a test, or being excluded by friends.
They remember whether they were comforted or corrected. Our intent to help must be matched by our ability to connect.
The Quiet
Ways Goodwill
Is Felt
When a child begins to emotionally shut down, it's not always a sign of neglect. Sometimes, it's because love has started to feel like pressure—like a performance they're constantly failing to meet. In those moments, goodwill must be felt, not declared. And it's most deeply felt through quiet, consistent gestures that say: 'I care, without demanding anything in
return.'
Here are some powerful yet simple ways your goodwill can be seen—even when your child isn't ready to respond:
A plate of food placed beside them while they game or study.
(It says: 'I see you. You matter.')
A glass of water or cup of chai at the right moment, without saying a word.
(It says: 'You're cared for.')
Folded clothes left neatly on their chair, with no reminders or remarks.
(It says: 'I'm here to support, not scold.')
A short message on a sticky note: 'Hope today feels better' or 'You've got this.'
(It says: 'I'm still cheering for you.')
Low-pressure check-ins like 'Want tea?' or 'Hope you slept okay,' that don't demand
replies. (It says: 'Your comfort matters.')
Sitting nearby with your own book or work, offering quiet presence.
(It says: 'I'm available, without intruding.')
Sending a meme, a reel, or a music link they might enjoy.
(It says: 'I remember what makes you smile.')
Fixing something they use—a charger, a zipper, a drawer.
(It says: 'I care about your world.')
Not filling the silence with lectures, but instead allowing quiet moments to be just that—
quiet. (It says: 'I trust you. I'll wait.')
These are not grand gestures. They don't demand eye contact or conversation. But theyoffer emotional oxygen. They quietly whisper: 'I'm not here to fix you. I'm here to love you—gently, steadily, and without condition.'
What Can Parents Do Differently?
If you're a parent feeling distanced from your child—especially a teen—pause.
Reflect on how your love is being received, not just how it's being given.
Here are small but powerful shifts you can make:
 Replace instruction with curiosity.
Instead of 'You should...', try 'What do you think about...?' This invites
conversation rather than resistance.
 Create low-pressure bonding moments.
Chat about their music, their shows, their memes. Enter their world with interest,
not judgment.
 Respect their opinions, even if you disagree.
They're forming their own identities. Boundaries can coexist with freedom of
thought.
 Just be there.
Sit beside them while they scroll. Offer tea. Let silence be connection—not
punishment.
In our fast-paced, achievement-focused culture, parenting often becomes performative. We think that if we do more—work more, push more—our children will love us more. But sometimes, what they need is for us to do less and simply be present.
And sometimes, that journey begins with just one quiet sentence—when your child before walking into the kitchen asks, 'Do you want anything ?'
(Tatiana Arteyeva (Chopra) Counselling Psychologist)