Starmer sets a trap you could spot from space – and Badenoch still dives into it

Telegraph

19-03-2025

I know there is only one award that readers really look forward to each Wednesday. Today it was a clear winner out of the gates with the second question. 'Bottom-Crawler of the Week' was Peterborough MP Andrew Pakes, a Uriah Heap lookalike who spoke about his passion for job creation, and how wonderful the Prime Minister's plans for it were. I looked him up to see whether he had spent the last few months living on the moon and I can tell you that he can't have been all that passionate about jobs, having never had a real one in his life.
There are bacteria in the average human gut which have contributed more to the wealth of nations than someone who went from being head of the National Union of Students to chairman of the Socialist Environment and Resources Association to being a local councillor to being a trustee of Stonewall to being a Labour MP. The closest he has ever got to a serious job was as head of PR for the British Kebab Awards. No wonder these people are blind to the effects of their jobs tax on businesses; none has ever been involved in anything beyond Early Learning Centre-grade student politicking.
Presiding over this affront to parliamentary democracy is, of course, Oinky. He was in particularly ebullient form today; perhaps they'd put something in his herbal tea. Given the last time the current PM had something new or interesting to say at PMQs was during the early days of the May administration, he invariably gets muddled when overexcited. In reply to Mrs Badenoch's query about the looming emergency Budget, he simply barked 'massive 22 black hole', which might actually have given us a dreadful insight into the depths of his psyche.
After pinning the PM down on hospice funding, Mrs Badenoch herself managed to be snared. Sir Keir is hardly subtle in this, resembling Elmer Fudd in a brilliantined wig, as he sets traps visible from space. Still, Ms Badenoch allowed him to ask her a question. 'Would she reverse the National Insurance increase?' he cried. The whole charade is pointless at the best of times but allowing Britain's smarmiest man not to only fail to answer anything himself but to turn the tables and become the inquisitor is a step too far.
Oinky referenced his much-fantasised-about big black hole in every single answer, often mangling it along the way; 'Twenty-two billion hole!' he yelled. Beside him, Big Ange and Rachel from Complaints nodded in rare unison, like a pair of dolls. Specifically, Pinocchio and Chucky. Mrs Badenoch offered to swap places with the PM if he was so keen on not answering questions.
After the headline sparring, various backbenchers took their turns. Carla Denyer, the winner of the 'most obviously a Green Party MP' award tutted and shook her head during the PM's answer about benefit cuts. A Lib Dem who was dressed like an Edwardian ghost asked a question about eating disorders. The biggest laugh came for Lee Anderson (who has directed most of his recent fire not at the Government but at, er, Rupert Lowe) when he claimed to be asking sensible questions. How many Starmtroopers in Reform-facing seats will still be laughing come the next general election remains to be seen.
More impressive was Danny Kruger, who asked the PM why he was obsessed with 'doing things to disabled people rather than with them'. The question was ostensibly about the benefits system but inevitably invited consideration of Kim Leadreaper's evil bill still under discussion down the corridor. Finally, the MP for Bedford asked a totally incomprehensible question about a theme park. Why would we need another theme park, one wonders, when we have the House of Commons?