Latest news with #Oinky
Telegraph
14-05-2025
- Politics
- Telegraph
Starmer's comic turn will end in tears of a clown
Representatives of the British Overseas Territories were in Parliament for Questions to the Prime Minister on Wednesday. Once this would have been a statement of great imperial pride, the colonies come to see the mother parliament in action; now it's probably the case that they've been summoned to learn which of them is next to be raffled off to a nearby banana republic. First we came to the MP for Blackpool North and Fleetwood, Lorraine Beavers, who appears to go to the same barber as Jedward. She opened proceedings with a meandering question about landfill sites. So it began; the same tedious, buck-passing, bottom-crawling, read-out-from-an-iPad questions from the Labour back benches that we get every week. Our very own coiffured Stig of the Dump, the Bin King himself, Sir Oinky stood up to answer. For some unfathomable reason, the Prime Minister seemed to be in a jokey mood. For those of us forced to watch, this was not a good thing. 'I love the fact that whenever anyone says '14 years of Conservative government' they all go, 'Oh no.' That's how the country feels', he smarmed. Nearby, Lucy Powell howled with laughter as if she were in the presence of a latter-day Ustinov. She looked like a painting from Goya's black period as she did so. The Leader of the Opposition bore some of the brunt of Oinky's comedic turn. 'She must be the only trade minister who doesn't like trade deals,' he said, to a great whoop of laughter from the goons assembled behind him. The joke, sadly, is on the country as once again Kemi Badenoch failed to skewer the Prime Minister. Oinky's acolytes prepared for further self-abasement. Rachel Taylor asked a humiliating non-question about how wonderful the PM was at trade deals. This was somehow turned into an attack on Reform, by a link so tenuous that Nigel Farage threw up his hands and laughed. There was even some dark humour in the form of a 'more comment than question' from the appalling Jake Richards, who is Pinky to Kim Leadbeater's Brain on the Assisted Suicide Bill. Richards, a man so dripping with arrogance that he makes Oinky look like Francis of Assisi, wanged on about all the marvellous work he did in – get this – suicide prevention. Not everyone was in on Oinky's bumper fun day. Liz Savile Roberts of Plaid Cymru asked the PM, in light of his volte-face on immigration, whether 'any of his beliefs survived a week in Downing Street'. The implication was that it wasn't just his sense of humour which Oinky had had surgically removed but his spine as well. 'Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish,' spat Oinky. Cue howls from the Labour benches as if this was an aphorism worthy of Noel Coward rather than a cack-handed reworking of a 'your mum'-style response from the playground. Rachel Reeves – who again, presumably has the sense of humour of a paving slab – was literally convulsing with laughter at this. Both hands slapping her knees, head lurching forward, it was like something from a ghost train. One person, however, wasn't laughing at all. On Oinky's other side sat Big Ange, her face like the grave. She allowed her eyes to look over to him very briefly, and they dripped contempt. I suspect there will be tears of the clown before long.
Telegraph
30-04-2025
- Politics
- Telegraph
Starmer's tenure as PM is scarred by grooming gang failures
When the history of this Government comes to be written by some poor benighted soul, I suspect that it will be defined not by the insanity of net zero nor by its attacks on farmers nor even by its treasonous abandonment of British sovereign territory but instead by the girls whom, in towns across the country, it willingly sacrificed for political ends and to appease its sectarian base vote. The grooming gang scandal is something so appalling that it should take up hours and hours in Parliament every day. Instead, it only comes up when the Government absolutely cannot avoid it doing so. Prime Minister's Questions is one such occasion, and to her credit the leader of the Opposition was not letting the issue lie. Essentially, though, she only got to ask one question – why won't the Government have a national inquiry? – because the PM seemed so determined not to answer it. Firstly, he tried deflection. 'They had 14 years!' he squealed. Then he tried distraction – 'I initiated the first prosecution of a grooming gang when I was director of public prosecutions'. That he was previously in this role is actually a little-known fact about Sir Oinky and one which he never, ever mentions, so it was nice to be given a bit of obscure trivia. Readers might also be surprised to learn that his father was a toolmaker! Both these tactics having failed, Oinky resorted to his default setting, making a dubious claim. 'We've had a national inquiry,' he said, following it up with the claim that 'victims want local inquiries'. The man doesn't just tell porkies, he embodies them. Perhaps he's got one of those red tractor food standards labels glued to his behind, bearing the legend '100% British Pork'. Mrs Badenoch wasn't the only party leader to ask awkward questions about the effects of unbridled immigration on towns across Britain. The member for Clacton asked whether the PM would admit that his 'smash the gangs' policy was not worth the paper it was written on. Clearly inundated with examples of towns where migrant hotels are causing resentment, he chose one at random: Runcorn. This drew yowls and caterwauls from Labour and the gaggle of Lib Dems sitting behind him. It sounded like rectal examination time at the zoo. Angriest of all was Oinky, who didn't answer the question but went into some deranged rant about Liz Truss and Vladimir Putin. Behind him, Yvette Cooper bobbed her head in a strange shimmying motion like she was one of the Supremes. It presumably signalled to any other praying mantises in the House that she was in agreement with all of Oinky's rage. Mr Farage seemed to enjoy the opprobrium. All those scoffing MPs yelling 'shame' at the few of their number who dare to say what the majority of the general public think about migration are exactly what will help, not hinder, him. I suspect that the Reform UK leader is aware that the Government benches can bray and howl all they like; the reality is that they have managed to become loathed in record time and that the local elections look set to reflect that. As this well-deserved oblivion stares them in the face, rather than brace for the coming storm, Labour MPs seem determined to find new and more embarrassing ways to debase themselves at Oinky's trotters. Dan Tomlinson MP asked a question so humiliatingly obsequious that even Lindsay Hoyle, who is normally happy to allow the bottom-crawlers to continue unabated, told the Prime Minister that there was no point in answering it. It may well make depressing reading, but the sooner this lot can be read about in the past tense the better.
Telegraph
19-03-2025
- Business
- Telegraph
Starmer sets a trap you could spot from space – and Badenoch still dives into it
I know there is only one award that readers really look forward to each Wednesday. Today it was a clear winner out of the gates with the second question. 'Bottom-Crawler of the Week' was Peterborough MP Andrew Pakes, a Uriah Heap lookalike who spoke about his passion for job creation, and how wonderful the Prime Minister's plans for it were. I looked him up to see whether he had spent the last few months living on the moon and I can tell you that he can't have been all that passionate about jobs, having never had a real one in his life. There are bacteria in the average human gut which have contributed more to the wealth of nations than someone who went from being head of the National Union of Students to chairman of the Socialist Environment and Resources Association to being a local councillor to being a trustee of Stonewall to being a Labour MP. The closest he has ever got to a serious job was as head of PR for the British Kebab Awards. No wonder these people are blind to the effects of their jobs tax on businesses; none has ever been involved in anything beyond Early Learning Centre-grade student politicking. Presiding over this affront to parliamentary democracy is, of course, Oinky. He was in particularly ebullient form today; perhaps they'd put something in his herbal tea. Given the last time the current PM had something new or interesting to say at PMQs was during the early days of the May administration, he invariably gets muddled when overexcited. In reply to Mrs Badenoch's query about the looming emergency Budget, he simply barked 'massive 22 black hole', which might actually have given us a dreadful insight into the depths of his psyche. After pinning the PM down on hospice funding, Mrs Badenoch herself managed to be snared. Sir Keir is hardly subtle in this, resembling Elmer Fudd in a brilliantined wig, as he sets traps visible from space. Still, Ms Badenoch allowed him to ask her a question. 'Would she reverse the National Insurance increase?' he cried. The whole charade is pointless at the best of times but allowing Britain's smarmiest man not to only fail to answer anything himself but to turn the tables and become the inquisitor is a step too far. Oinky referenced his much-fantasised-about big black hole in every single answer, often mangling it along the way; 'Twenty-two billion hole!' he yelled. Beside him, Big Ange and Rachel from Complaints nodded in rare unison, like a pair of dolls. Specifically, Pinocchio and Chucky. Mrs Badenoch offered to swap places with the PM if he was so keen on not answering questions. After the headline sparring, various backbenchers took their turns. Carla Denyer, the winner of the 'most obviously a Green Party MP' award tutted and shook her head during the PM's answer about benefit cuts. A Lib Dem who was dressed like an Edwardian ghost asked a question about eating disorders. The biggest laugh came for Lee Anderson (who has directed most of his recent fire not at the Government but at, er, Rupert Lowe) when he claimed to be asking sensible questions. How many Starmtroopers in Reform-facing seats will still be laughing come the next general election remains to be seen. More impressive was Danny Kruger, who asked the PM why he was obsessed with 'doing things to disabled people rather than with them'. The question was ostensibly about the benefits system but inevitably invited consideration of Kim Leadreaper's evil bill still under discussion down the corridor. Finally, the MP for Bedford asked a totally incomprehensible question about a theme park. Why would we need another theme park, one wonders, when we have the House of Commons?
Telegraph
13-03-2025
- Politics
- Telegraph
Sir Keir slays NHS England, the King of Quangos
Another week and another escape into the lives of real people by the Prime Minister. Westminster's zoo keepers are really due a performance review. This time Oinky had not gone to market but to Hull, there to accuse the public sector of being 'over-cautious', 'weak' and 'intrusive'. Physician, heal thyself! Today the PM was introduced by a woman with an unplaceable transatlantic accent who spoke almost entirely in managerial platitudes and acronyms. People were there, she said, 'to power the self-care movement within our company'. Quite how being dragged out of your coffee break to watch a man who'd been poured into a blue shirt to talk about civil service reform is meant to boost 'self-care' is anybody's guess. It was more like they'd been dragged in to witness an act of self-abuse. Sir Keir thanked the LinkedIn-personified woman and did his standard shirt sleeves-up, random hand-gestures opening. 'This must be an incredibly exciting place to work!' he said. Well it was, until about two minutes ago. After a long preamble about waiting lists and Ukraine, he finally got to the meat of the policy. His aim for the British state was something called 'maximum power'. He made this sound like a particularly advanced form of dishwasher tablet technology. You could see the people in the row behind him thinking: 'Cor, him off the Cillit Bang adverts has aged a bit!' Clearly, unlike so many of these set-piece moments, it appeared that Sir Keir might actually be about to unveil something of genuine import. You could tell an announcement was imminent because the PM suddenly began inserting all sorts of caveats. 'Of course,' he said, 'I'm not questioning the dedication or the effort of individual civil servants.' (Thus spake a man who had never been on hold to the DVLA.) We can take comfort in the fact that when a politician says they're not doing something you can be pretty certain that that is precisely what they are doing. Finally we got to the big moment. NHS England was to be scrapped, the King of all Quangos slain in one fell swoop. Goodness knows I find the Prime Minister's tone and manner deeply irritating. A sort of auricular scabies. And I think most of his policies – from his malevolent hatred of farmers to the Great Chagos Robbery – are borderline suicidal for the nation. However, if we can finally ignite the bonfire of the quangos, about which the Tories talked and talked but never acted for 14 years, then he will have done Britain a serious favour. Perhaps while we're on a roll, the PM may even find time to take his Muskian chainsaw to the £9.5 billion energy quango run by Ed Miliband, the Office for Value for Money, and others among the 27 arm's-length bodies set up by... one Keir Rodney Starmer since last July. Still – there is more joy in heaven over a sinner that repenteth. Whether there'll be joy in Whitehall is another matter entirely.
Telegraph
26-02-2025
- Politics
- Telegraph
Sir Oinky plays in the same mud after the chamber's recess
The first Prime Minister's Questions back from recess is always a strange one. There is a sense that anything could have happened over the course of a week off. Could Kemi Badenoch finally have learned the order in which to ask questions? Would the Secretary of State for Rural Affairs have located his spine? Might, in the midst of global security trepidation, Sir Oinky have finally grown from being a trough-hungry and petty little man into a great statesman? No such luck. By my calculations it took just under two minutes for the Prime Minister to stand up and shriek his old Dalekian line of '£22 billion black hole!' at Tory MP Dr Luke Evans, who had dared query whether slapping the National Insurance rise onto hospices was a particularly compassionate idea. Behind him, Yvette Cooper – the extra from A Bug's Life who the Labour Party believe is more worthy of a portrait in parliament than Admiral Nelson – smiled and nodded eagerly. Next to her Big Ange was doing her usual target measuring on the PM's back. When it came to her turn, Mrs Badenoch accused Oinky of playing 'silly games with numbers' when trying to account for his defence spending rise. She wondered whether the indeterminate wads of cash soon to be hurled in the direction of Mauritius were being included in the increase in defence spending. The PM in turn accused Mrs Badenoch of asking the same question again and again. Undoubtedly this is true; however perhaps if he actually answered any of them we'd be saved from the need for this deranged circularity every week. The whole thing makes a Punch and Judy show look like King Lear. More effective was Stephen Flynn of the SNP. The Volcano of Aberdeen North is particularly adept at filleting Oinky, having, as he does, a very tangible contempt for the wobbly dissembling that he deploys in lieu of answers. Was, Mr Flynn asked, the rise in energy bills, despite endless pre-election promises that they would fall, a result of incompetence or just old-fashioned Labour lying? The Prime Minister dismissed this all as 'grievance politics' which was, again, technically true but failed to account for the fact that some grievances are justified. Perhaps the most topsy-turvy question of all came from Charlotte Nichols of Warrington North who asked about suicide prevention. Oinky put on his serious face and intoned earnestly that 'every suicide is one suicide too many'. Just down the hallway Kim Leadbeater and her pals were busy voting down every sign.
