"This Was The Best Part Of Growing Up In The '80s And '90s": Older Adults Are Recalling The Everyday Habits They Did When They Were Younger That Would Absolutely Not Fly Today
So much can change from when we were young. So when the BuzzFeed Community was asked: "What's something that used to be normal but would shock people today?" so many older folks delivered answers you have to read for yourself:
1."We had no microwave! You had to boil your hot dogs on the stove. Leftovers? You ate cold meatloaf sandwiches. Also, none of this vegan, gluten-free, organic garbage. No almond milk, no tofu, or even Baja Blast Mountain Dew. We would harvest potatoes from my grandparents' garden. Wash the potatoes with the hose and then eat one. We lived to tell about it!"
—Anonymous, 56, Cloverdale, IN
2."Using traveler's checks in foreign countries, ATMs didn't exist, and carrying too much cash made you a target for thieves"
—Anonymous, 55, Canada
3."Free-range kids! Best part of growing up in the '80s and '90s! Can we, as a society, please bring back unsupervised, unstructured play for kids?? Research literally backs this up as being positive for childhood development! AND is also beneficial for parents as it allows for more free time (that isn't centered on the child and their needs. 'You can't pour from an empty cup')."
"Even if I wanted my 7-year-old to take off on her Huffy into the great unknown (our town that has like five stop lights and everybody knows everybody), it's not really possible because someone would call the cops or child protective services or part of the fun of free play is running into other kids and playing, but doubtful she would even see another kid outside!! Some moms think I'm insane for not supervising my seven and four-year-olds in our fenced-in backyard! Like what??"
—georgiajaymes
4."Driving a car before you had a license or on a parent's lap. When not on the lap, I stood on the bench seat next to them. I would sit on my grandpa's or mom's lap while driving, and they'd let me steer. I was in elementary school driving my dad's friend's convertible — my sister has pics! I was taught to drive at 12, and at 14, I learned to drive a manual transmission in Ohio, in the snow, on a hill."
—StephieEss
5."Stores were never open on Sundays. You got what you needed the other six days. It was always a day families could enjoy relaxing or visiting someone. No work or no kids having sports obligations. Just a day of rest for all to enjoy each other, especially during the holidays. Seemed like everyone went to church and then enjoyed the day."
—Anonymous, 77 Andover, Mass.
6."Some cigarettes came with coupons, which kids collected so we could get toys with them."
—Anonymous, 83, NJ
7."Both my parents would give me a dollar and change to go up to the five and dime (one mile away) to buy them cigarettes when I was ten or eleven. Once I was grounded for losing a dollar in the wind."
—Anonymous, 70 Toms River, NJ
8."Taking home-baked goods to school for a birthday party. I'd take in homemade cupcakes on my birthday. For special parties, mothers would bring all kinds of homemade food. Now, if a party is allowed (since it takes time away from 'teaching to the test,' the food must be store bought or individually wrapped, and must be free from things that cause allergic reactions! It's sad to see how much times have changed for the worse!
—magicalsmoothie67
9."Paying $.45 for a can of Coke, or $.60 for a 16-oz bottle. $.89 for a gallon of gas. Hamburger $.99 a pound."
—Anonymous
10."Making one copy of a document by adding a piece of carbon paper between two sheets of blank paper before you write or type on them."
—Anonymous
11."Being constantly told by our parents to back away from the TV set screen, when we lay on the floor, watching the huge set that was in a piece of wood furniture. Today, we all hold the same type of phone screen inches away from our faces…but nobody seems worried about it!"
—Anonymous, 58 Philadelphia, Pa.
12."When you didn't know what time it was, you could dial: 'H E 70211.' In my town in southern California, people would still use the call letters from waaay back. The first time I heard that, I mean, there were letters on the numbers, so why not give it a shot? And I'll be damned, 'Welcome to GTE. The time at the tone is ….. I miss that."
—Anonymous, 44 Roanoke, Va
13."Having typing class as a required class in school, and I mean with an actual typewriter — the ones with the long keys that you could miss and have your finger drop three inches! Plus, paper tape White Out. There was no way to backspace! I always had a small plastic container with rectangular White Out paper with me. (I couldn't buy more on Amazon when I ran out because Amazon didn't exist.)"
—Anonymous, 55, NJ
14."Knocking on doors to see if friends can come out to play. Or if bikes were on the lawn, that's where your friends were. My son asks if I can text our neighbors to play. (But also, people tend not to answer the door anymore.)
—jnk84
15."I bought everything from clothes to a Western saddle on layaway."
—bougietortoise134
16."Back in the '70s, phone companies had lower rates for making long-distance calls after certain hours. Our company sets aside time after 8 pm for that to happen. We would always wait until then to make calls."
—Anonymous, 77 Sherburne, NY
17."Taking pictures with a disposable camera and not being able to see the pictures until you got them back from being developed."
—bluecat844
18."We had no phone at our home. So when I went out of town, I had to send a telegram stating 'Reached Safely' to assure my parents."
—Anonymous
19."Wired hoop skirts were stiffened with thick starch and dried on the line so they would keep their shape. Girls who had more money could afford the preformed wired shirts."
—Anonymous, 83, NJ
20."Telephone party lines. You would pick up your phone to make a call, and there was someone else already in conversation with another person. Usually, they would say it was already in use when they would hear you pick up the phone. Then you would wait several minutes and try again. If they were in a long conversation and you were in a hurry to call, after several pickups, it could get a lot less polite."
—Anonymous
21."Smoking was allowed during movies. News broadcast before the movie, and popcorn all over the floor."
—Anonymous, 83, NJ
22."COD: cash on delivery. As a teenager, I bought something at a fancy department store, and my mom paid the bill when it was delivered."
—Anonymous, 68, NYC
23."Bank hours were 10 a.m. to 3 p.m."
—Anonymous
24."Mom checked to make sure I had a dime in my pocket so that I could call home from a gas station phone booth if I had an emergency."
—Anonymous
25."Camping out overnight in a friend's backyard or in a nearby woods. No adults, just kids aged 8 to 12. Just grabbed a sleeping bag and told Mom and Dad that I would see them in the morning. We would roam the neighborhood or walk to a nearby burger joint and hang out until late."
—Anonymous, 73, Ohio
Is there something that was considered normal back in the day that would shock people today? Tell us in the comments or anonymously in the Google Form below:
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Comparing Her Career Achievement To Him Winning In A Video Game, And 19 Other "Last Straw" Things That Made Women End Their Long-Term Relationships For Good
Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse and death. Please proceed with caution. It can be a really tough thing to realize that a relationship you've put all your time, effort, and heart into is, in fact, not working out the way you hoped it would. It can be an even harder thing to get yourself out of it. Sometimes, though, there's one specific, singular moment where you sit there and think, "Yeah, it's time." I asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to share the "last straw" moments that made them break up with their partners for good. Truly, I am so, so proud of these women for doing what they had to and leaving these a-holes in the past. Here are 20 stories they shared: 1."I was taking pre-reqs for nursing school, working full-time and doing my classes at night. One day I dropped my 3-year-old and 6-month-old off with their dad and headed to class. I came home five hours later — about 10 p.m. — and could hear my infant screaming bloody murder as I pulled into the driveway. Rushing inside, I found my (now ex) sleeping on the couch while my 3-year-old was dirty and running all over the place and my baby had soaked through her diaper and was covered in feces. After cleaning her up and putting both kids to bed, I woke up my husband to ask, 'WTF?!' His response: 'Well, you know I don't change diapers.' Then, he went to bed. Nope, that was it. I was done. It's been 16 years since my divorce. Best decision ever!" —Anonymous 2."I sat alone in a semi-private room in a nursing home and watched my mother die. Multiple texts, voicemails, and video chat requests to him went unanswered. When she was gone, my first call was to my best friend, not him. She made the hour drive in 35 minutes. He lived 20 minutes away, and it took two hours for him to finally show up. That was the night I realized I couldn't rely on him. And if I couldn't rely on my wasn't really my partner." —Anonymous 3."I was seven months pregnant with twins, and I came down with a bad cold. I was supposed to be on bed rest, but with a hyperactive 3-year-old, that wasn't possible. On the third morning of my cold, my (now ex) husband said to me, 'Are you going to be up to cooking dinner tonight?' I replied that it was doubtful, to which he said, 'OK, I'll just go out to dinner then,' and turned and walked out the door. That was the final straw." —Anonymous 4."I broke up with an ex when I was in my early 20s because he called one of my friends ugly due to putting on some weight after giving birth. We got into a massive argument, and he asked me why I was so mad about someone else. It clicked during that argument that he had no care or love for anyone but himself. I just stopped mid-argument, started packing my things, and left. I knew there was no point arguing with someone like that." —moonlightbae685 5."My long distance relationship/fiancé (six years together) claimed him doing something good in a video game was equivalent to me founding a theatre company and running my first auditions as a director. We argued about it pretty viciously, and it brought up all the other times he was jealous because I had true passions in life while he never found any. I decided then that we were going to have to end things. It was hard, because he was a great guy other than the constant jealousy with my life and career. I also didn't want to be married to someone who was addicted to gaming — I love gaming, but that's all he did besides his 9–5. Now he is married, and I'm engaged to the love of my life who has many passions and hobbies and supports mine without fail." —Anonymous 6."My last straw was when he called me stupid in the drive-thru line at Burger King. The day before, I found out he had gone behind my back and told his mom not to help me get loans for school (which she had been fine with doing). She told me he was worried that if I got educated, then I'd leave him. When I brought it up in line at Burger King the next night, I had intended to tell him I didn't plan to leave him once I had completed my studies. But he opened his mouth first. He said I was stupid, and I didn't need to waste my time and money on going to school. So, I got out of the car and walked away, because I was done." —aprilp13 7."Had been dating and was engaged to my partner of 10 years. During the pandemic, my nephew was in the hospital, and it did not look good. My sister called and said that he was dying. I got off the phone and went out on the porch. My partner came out after several minutes, and I told him what my sister had said. Never looking up from his iPad, his response was, 'I should buy this camera I found; it's a great deal.' I threw him out and never looked back. I couldn't live with this level of selfishness anymore." —Anonymous 8."My last straw was when I addressed the fact that [he] always hid when my family would come over. By that I mean he would say, 'Hi,' then go to my room and play his PS5 until he got hungry or thirsty enough to come out again. When I brought this up, he leapt up in bed, started hysterically sobbing, and said, 'Why don't you point my insecurities out some more?' I got up to leave, and he pulled the cliché movie line of, 'If you walk out that door, we are done.' So…we were done." —darthjarjar 9."The last straw was after four years. I'd moved about three hours away, and a friend pointed out that I drove three and a half hours every weekend to visit him, and he'd never made the effort to visit me because he 'was afraid his car would get hit because it's the city.' He never visited, not once in the two years we were in a long distance relationship. Turns out, he was cheating during the week and on the weekends I couldn't go down. Waste of four years of my life. I owe my friend a lot for pointing out his behavior." —Anonymous 10."On our 23rd anniversary trip, we went camping at a beautiful spring. Anytime I went in the camper, he went outside. I asked if he wanted to go for a bike ride, and he said he'd already gone and didn't want to go again. I put on lingerie, and he looked up and said, 'Oh God, really?' I realized he wanted a mother, not a wife. Someone to cook his meals, pay the bills, and wash his laundry." —Anonymous 11."Bi woman here. I dated a woman for a year who was in her late 20s when I was 21. She had attachment issues and was generally emotionally abusive toward me, but the last straw was when I told her I needed a few days to get some stuff together after a family member died. Instead of leaving me alone, she blew up my phone with 960 texts, 150 phone calls, threatened to take her own life, and found my parents on LinkedIn to tell them that I was ignoring her. This was the final straw I needed to break up with her, but she continued to stalk me for months." —Anonymous 12."I asked my boyfriend of a year to go to my hometown with me several times to meet my family (which was only 1.5 hours away), and he always made excuses. Then, my dad had a massive stroke. He didn't go home with me then, either. I still stayed with him like an idiot, and after another couple of months, I told him my dad didn't have much longer to he still didn't even offer. My dad died a few days later. Finally, the last straw came when I texted him the next day saying I wasn't doing well and needed him to call me. After more than an hour, I texted back, 'Never mind,' to which he replied, another hour later, 'What? I was at lunch.'" —Anonymous 13."In 2015, my family lost my 36-year-old brother suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident. My husband at the time would not comfort me in any way — would not hug me, would not pick up the slack with housework, etc. We had to go to another state eight hours away for the funeral. My brother died on the 11th of the month, and my husband's birthday was on the 19th of the same month. When his birthday rolled around, my husband said, 'I'm just really sad that I don't get a call from your brother today on my birthday.' My husband's handling of the whole situation was the beginning of the end. He barely knew my brother and acted so victimized by the whole thing. What an odd thing to say and think." —Anonymous 14."Mine came after a 20-year marriage. I had just given birth to our third child via C-section. He said he couldn't stay at the hospital with me because he had a lot of work. He was self-employed. So, when I came home from the hospital, I asked our other two children if their dad had spent the nights in the house. They said no — he told them he stayed with me at the hospital. I always suspected he was cheating, but never could prove it. I hired a detective, and four months later, I got my answer. He had someone else in a little town six miles away from where we lived. I filed for divorce exactly 20 years to the day we got together. I've been happily married to a wonderful man for 15 years now." —Anonymous 15."My younger sister died after a long battle with alcoholism. The first time I saw him after she died, he blamed her death on my elderly dad because he sent her money. My dad had been trying to save her life. Anyway, we live in Florida, and I asked my ex to come to NYC with me to help with her apartment. I knew from the building manager that it was filled with empty alcohol cans. It was going to be very hard — my mom's ashes were in there and other family things my dad wanted. It was my job as her only sibling. His response was, 'She's dead, just throw everything away.' That was when I felt my heart break and knew it was over after seven years." —Anonymous 16."I was married for 20 years, and my now-ex, my two children, and I were on vacation. I had been quite sick for the last part of the trip, but was rallying to try to participate and give my kids some type of vacation. He decided to leave me and my children on a random street in Hong Kong without access to cellphones (he made us turn off the data to save money) because he wanted to go drinking with a friend who lived there. I had no idea where we were but somehow managed to get us back to our hotel. That was when I made my decision to leave the marriage." —Anonymous 17."We were high school sweethearts who married in our 20s after graduating college. I supported us during grad school, and I worked for 10 years up until the day we had our first child. After having our second, I was able to financially stay home with them, and this enabled my husband to develop a very successful business, rarely having to be responsible for keeping a nice home, cooking dinner nightly, or dealing with the education, care, and feeding of the children. He loved the kids, but was somewhat of a workaholic who was only home on the weekends, often fishing for hours on end to 'de-stress' himself. Toward the end of the marriage, this also included too much alcohol." "During the last three years of our 40-year marriage, I developed a moderate hearing loss and an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy, questioning my feelings of emotional neglect, trying to decide if I should stay in the marriage any longer. I was paralyzed by the fear of living alone, as I had never lived by myself before (childhood home, college roommates, then marriage). I had contemplated divorce, but our long history together, my anxiety, and the fact that I truly loved him made it too difficult for me to take any action. The last straw came when I was preparing a family dinner, getting out the pots and pans and apparently making too much noise in the kitchen. My ex said, 'Are you deaf?' Yes, partially. And, 'You are so lazy about taking a pan from the middle of the stack!' in a very contemptuous tone. That was when I realized that I could never grow old with this critical man, and couldn't trust him to be there for me emotionally, or 'in sickness or in health.' I divorced him, got a settlement and alimony that recognized all that I had contributed to the long marriage, and have lived successfully on my own. I met a man who loves me, honors me, and thinks I am wonderful; however, I am happy being single, and have vowed to never get married again." —Anonymous 18."I had been dating this man for a few months when I realized I was expectant. I lived in a different city, so he wasn't aware of the pregnancy for some time. I informed him, and he sounded OK with it. I gave birth to a baby girl. We moved in with him immediately, but he wasn't happy. He was always irritable most of the time, and it was uncomfortable. One evening, he came from work with a colleague, and we were having tea. Out of nowhere, the colleague said loudly to him, 'You have been complaining that this is not your baby, but she really resembles you every bit.' I just knew it was over. What followed was dead silence in the room. I left the following morning, and now 27 years later, I have never looked back. My daughter has recently graduated from medical school, and I am so proud of her. She's my world. I don't regret having left him when I did." —Anonymous 19."My last straw was learning that after four years of marriage, my husband had given me an STD. He denied that he had cheated on me, and instead insisted that I must have cheated on him and gotten it! I realized then all of the lies, neglect, and verbal abuse from him was how the rest of the marriage was going to be, so I left him." —Anonymous finally, "My ex and I were different in many ways, but I'd always appreciated the differences, or so I thought. We bought a house together within walking distance to a vibrant town with lots to do — his desire. Mine was to be just slightly out of town on a big lot with lots of animals and gardens and nature. I sold such a house to combine incomes to get the house in town that he wanted. But we compromised with our long-term plans. We would buy this house in town and take a chunk of money to buy land just outside so we could have a place to have fun on the weekends. Think bon fires and beer brewing and our dogs running around and camping or hanging out in a tiny home. When we both retired in about 12–15 years, we could split our time between the two places to ensure we both got what we needed and wanted." "We had been having issues in the relationship for a few years, but the final straw last summer was me bringing up buying the land again after two years of nothing moving forward. He finally said, 'When you start going out to the land with (our kid), I am staying behind.' It doesn't sound dramatic, but it was to me. It was him finally admitting he had gotten all that he wanted — the house and lifestyle and far fewer responsibilities — and my dreams and needs didn't matter anymore, even though living in town on a tiny lot with tons of people on top of us, the noise, and constant foot traffic in front of our house really stressed me out. It just made me realize that he didn't give a damn about what I needed or wanted. I broke up with him that day. It has been really hard on the kid and I, but my child said I did the right thing. You have to be in it as partners and make time and space for both sides to be happy." —Anonymous Women of the BuzzFeed Community — do you have a "last straw" relationship story? If you feel comfortable doing so, you can share your own in the comments below or via this anonymous form. You can find more of these stories here. Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
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3 days ago
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15 'Ew...That Gave Me The Ick" Relationship Red Flags That Are Secretly Huge Green Flags
Red flag this, green flag that. When dating, people have so many characteristics they look for in a partner. Or more truthfully, traits they try to avoid. Sometimes, though, one person's red flag is another person's green flag. We asked the BuzzFeed Community for examples of things that, when dating, some might see as a reason for pause, but they see as a good thing. The responses were fascinating: Responses have been edited for length and clarity. 1."Not having social media. I have heard (and read on BuzzFeed) that 'not having any social media is a huge red flag for me.' WHY?! HOW?! So you're upset that you don't have to police their Instagram, Facebook/Messenger, TikTok, Snapchat, etc? My partner of six years only has Snapchat and literally has like 25 friends. They are 99% friends I have met, have mutual friends with, or are his family. It's a HUGE green flag that they don't give a crap about social media and what others think about his life/our life. It's OUR life, so why should anyone expect to see into it if you're not invited? I have social media only because it's how I communicate with family. He has full access, and I have full access to his phone, etc. Why? Because we trust each other. It's so nice having a partner who doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him as much as I don't give a fuck. If you think it's a red flag, you need to ask yourself why." —Anonymous, 36; Tennessee 2."Having a quirky or weird interest. That does not automatically make someone a weirdo or obsessive. For example, my husband has ADHD and tends to get very interested in a hobby or topic quickly and loves to geek out about it. Some of his interests are kind of out there. For example, he's 27 and LOVES Disney (especially the parks and movies), LOVES gardening, LOVES caring for our bearded dragon, LOVES working on his tank, and LOVES improving his life quality. A lot of other girls in college thought he was weird for his niche and intense interests, especially because he can be kind of shy and quiet. I was the only girl who gave him a chance. And I won the jackpot! He's caring, romantic, respects me, takes great care of me and our home, and he's wicked smart. Sure, he's quirky. Sure, he doesn't have typical 'masculine' hobbies. But he's a great guy, and I wish more people saw more for him than his quirks." —Anonymous, 25; Virginia 3."Not doing surprise gifts, dates, etc. Spontaneity and big gestures are highly romanticized, but they can often set both parties up for disappointment or unrealistic expectations. Communicating and involving your partner instead is a green flag for me. My partner and I like to discuss and plan fun ideas together. We go shopping for gifts together as well, so we get to pick out exactly what we like. It's so much more fun, and there is less pressure to like a gift or hope they like a gift. (And wastes less money)." —Anonymous, 30; Canada 4."Inserting himself into my college life. We currently go to different colleges, but he makes the effort to see me at my college because he wants to get to know my friends and new interests I've picked up. It's so, when I talk, he knows how to contribute to our conversations in a way that he understands what and who I'm talking about. Some people may see it as signs of insecurity or jealousy, but he truly wants to see the way I've been growing as a person now that I'm in college." —Anonymous, 18; New York 5."Online gaming. I've dated a couple of people I've met through online gaming. I know people tend to think that's a bad thing (to game a lot), but it requires communication and planning skills, especially when their gaming group includes people around the world." —Anonymous, 39; Phoenix, AZ 6."Not being close to their parents. It's great if your family is close. It's also absolutely okay if it's complicated, but sometimes it is better to cut ties with abusers or toxic people. I think it can be healthy to be no or low-contact, and it can protect partners and future children. It takes a lot of strength to break cycles." —Anonymous, 32; California 7."It's not toxic to have never dated someone before. Like, they're waiting for the truly right person to date." —Anonymous, 20; South Carolina 8."When people always respond with 'What do YOU want to do?' People find it weirdly annoying, but I think it just means they care about how you feel. I don't like it when people are like, 'What do you want to do?' 'Oh, I was thinking ice skating, then lunch at this restaurant, then a museum…' That just feels like they've been creepily putting this whole date together for months. No, thank you." —Anonymous 9."Not responding to texts quickly. My bf was sooooo slow to respond to texts when we first exchanged numbers. I thought he wasn't interested, but it turned out that he was not a very tech-savvy guy and had no interest in his phone. This makes dates great as we can converse for hours on end and away from screens. Our interactions are always genuine, and he's so thoughtful!" —Anonymous, 16; Oklahoma 10."Having girl friends as a man. It's not a red flag. It actually tells me women feel safe around you, and you can build a relationship with a woman other than a romantic one. So that means you don't see women only as objects for your pleasure. You actually see them as human beings you can interact with just like you do with other men." —Anonymous, 22; Romania 11."Not telling someone their WHOLE life story. The older I get, there are things people keep to themselves for a reason. Doesn't mean they don't trust you or you can't trust them. If it's significant enough, it will reveal itself. I am not going to force someone I am with to tell me everything if they're not comfortable doing so. That being said, if you don't communicate what is important to you for them to share about themselves, that is all on you." —witchysorcerer621 12."Not being a self-proclaimed nice guy. This might be specific to my relationship, but he straight up told me he was 'kind of an a**hole' on our first date and said he wasn't good with emotions. It was refreshing as hell, coming from seemingly endless dates with self-professed 'nice guys' who were anything but. Turns out he's not an asshole at all, and he's pretty damn good with emotions now. That first date was 15 years ago." —rakishrogue 13."A guy cooking, cleaning, and being able to do stereotypically 'female' stuff." —Anonymous, Maddi, USA 26 14."Being upfront about dating other people. It might seem like a red flag at first, but it's actually a green one. Honesty about where you stand shows emotional maturity and respect. It also sets the stage for clear communication when the time comes to discuss exclusivity — if and when both people are ready for that step." —Anonymous, 37; Mexico "On a blind or first date: I am totally OJ with small talk. People have all sorts of different levels and experiences when it comes to meeting with a person for the first time. Being nervous is OK, and not knowing what to say is OK." —sparklysalt40 Have examples of your own where a perceived red flag is actually a green flag? Let us know in the comments or through the anonymous form below!
Buzz Feed
3 days ago
- Buzz Feed
15 Relationship Red Flags That Are Huge Green Flags
Red flag this, green flag that. When dating, people have so many characteristics they look for in a partner. Or more truthfully, traits they try to avoid. Sometimes, though, one person's red flag is another person's green flag. We asked the BuzzFeed Community for examples of things that, when dating, some might see as a reason for pause, but they see as a good thing. The responses were fascinating: "Not having social media. I have heard (and read on BuzzFeed) that 'not having any social media is a huge red flag for me.' WHY?! HOW?! So you're upset that you don't have to police their Instagram, Facebook/Messenger, TikTok, Snapchat, etc? My partner of six years only has Snapchat and literally has like 25 friends. They are 99% friends I have met, have mutual friends with, or are his family. It's a HUGE green flag that they don't give a crap about social media and what others think about his life/our life. It's OUR life, so why should anyone expect to see into it if you're not invited? I have social media only because it's how I communicate with family. He has full access, and I have full access to his phone, etc. Why? Because we trust each other. It's so nice having a partner who doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him as much as I don't give a fuck. If you think it's a red flag, you need to ask yourself why." —Anonymous, 36; Tennessee "Having a quirky or weird interest. That does not automatically make someone a weirdo or obsessive. For example, my husband has ADHD and tends to get very interested in a hobby or topic quickly and loves to geek out about it. Some of his interests are kind of out there. For example, he's 27 and LOVES Disney (especially the parks and movies), LOVES gardening, LOVES caring for our bearded dragon, LOVES working on his tank, and LOVES improving his life quality. A lot of other girls in college thought he was weird for his niche and intense interests, especially because he can be kind of shy and quiet. I was the only girl who gave him a chance. And I won the jackpot! He's caring, romantic, respects me, takes great care of me and our home, and he's wicked smart. Sure, he's quirky. Sure, he doesn't have typical 'masculine' hobbies. But he's a great guy, and I wish more people saw more for him than his quirks." "Not doing surprise gifts, dates, etc. Spontaneity and big gestures are highly romanticized, but they can often set both parties up for disappointment or unrealistic expectations. Communicating and involving your partner instead is a green flag for me. My partner and I like to discuss and plan fun ideas together. We go shopping for gifts together as well, so we get to pick out exactly what we like. It's so much more fun, and there is less pressure to like a gift or hope they like a gift. (And wastes less money)." —Anonymous, 30; Canada "Inserting himself into my college life. We currently go to different colleges, but he makes the effort to see me at my college because he wants to get to know my friends and new interests I've picked up. It's so, when I talk, he knows how to contribute to our conversations in a way that he understands what and who I'm talking about. Some people may see it as signs of insecurity or jealousy, but he truly wants to see the way I've been growing as a person now that I'm in college." "Online gaming. I've dated a couple of people I've met through online gaming. I know people tend to think that's a bad thing (to game a lot), but it requires communication and planning skills, especially when their gaming group includes people around the world." —Anonymous, 39; Phoenix, AZ "Not being close to their parents. It's great if your family is close. It's also absolutely okay if it's complicated, but sometimes it is better to cut ties with abusers or toxic people. I think it can be healthy to be no or low-contact, and it can protect partners and future children. It takes a lot of strength to break cycles." "It's not toxic to have never dated someone before. Like, they're waiting for the truly right person to date." —Anonymous, 20; South Carolina "When people always respond with 'What do YOU want to do?' People find it weirdly annoying, but I think it just means they care about how you feel. I don't like it when people are like, 'What do you want to do?' 'Oh, I was thinking ice skating, then lunch at this restaurant, then a museum…' That just feels like they've been creepily putting this whole date together for months. No, thank you." "Not responding to texts quickly. My bf was sooooo slow to respond to texts when we first exchanged numbers. I thought he wasn't interested, but it turned out that he was not a very tech-savvy guy and had no interest in his phone. This makes dates great as we can converse for hours on end and away from screens. Our interactions are always genuine, and he's so thoughtful!" —Anonymous, 16; Oklahoma "Having girl friends as a man. It's not a red flag. It actually tells me women feel safe around you, and you can build a relationship with a woman other than a romantic one. So that means you don't see women only as objects for your pleasure. You actually see them as human beings you can interact with just like you do with other men." "Not telling someone their WHOLE life story. The older I get, there are things people keep to themselves for a reason. Doesn't mean they don't trust you or you can't trust them. If it's significant enough, it will reveal itself. I am not going to force someone I am with to tell me everything if they're not comfortable doing so. That being said, if you don't communicate what is important to you for them to share about themselves, that is all on you." —witchysorcerer621 "Not being a self-proclaimed nice guy. This might be specific to my relationship, but he straight up told me he was 'kind of an a**hole' on our first date and said he wasn't good with emotions. It was refreshing as hell, coming from seemingly endless dates with self-professed 'nice guys' who were anything but. Turns out he's not an asshole at all, and he's pretty damn good with emotions now. That first date was 15 years ago." "A guy cooking, cleaning, and being able to do stereotypically 'female' stuff." —Anonymous, Maddi, USA 26 "Being upfront about dating other people. It might seem like a red flag at first, but it's actually a green one. Honesty about where you stand shows emotional maturity and respect. It also sets the stage for clear communication when the time comes to discuss exclusivity — if and when both people are ready for that step." Finally, "On a blind or first date: I am totally OJ with small talk. People have all sorts of different levels and experiences when it comes to meeting with a person for the first time. Being nervous is OK, and not knowing what to say is OK." —sparklysalt40 Have examples of your own where a perceived red flag is actually a green flag? Let us know in the comments or through the anonymous form below!
