15 Relationship Red Flags That Are Huge Green Flags

Buzz Feed

5 hours ago

Red flag this, green flag that. When dating, people have so many characteristics they look for in a partner. Or more truthfully, traits they try to avoid. Sometimes, though, one person's red flag is another person's green flag. We asked the BuzzFeed Community for examples of things that, when dating, some might see as a reason for pause, but they see as a good thing. The responses were fascinating:
"Not having social media. I have heard (and read on BuzzFeed) that 'not having any social media is a huge red flag for me.' WHY?! HOW?! So you're upset that you don't have to police their Instagram, Facebook/Messenger, TikTok, Snapchat, etc? My partner of six years only has Snapchat and literally has like 25 friends. They are 99% friends I have met, have mutual friends with, or are his family. It's a HUGE green flag that they don't give a crap about social media and what others think about his life/our life. It's OUR life, so why should anyone expect to see into it if you're not invited? I have social media only because it's how I communicate with family. He has full access, and I have full access to his phone, etc. Why? Because we trust each other. It's so nice having a partner who doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him as much as I don't give a fuck. If you think it's a red flag, you need to ask yourself why."
—Anonymous, 36; Tennessee
"Having a quirky or weird interest. That does not automatically make someone a weirdo or obsessive. For example, my husband has ADHD and tends to get very interested in a hobby or topic quickly and loves to geek out about it. Some of his interests are kind of out there. For example, he's 27 and LOVES Disney (especially the parks and movies), LOVES gardening, LOVES caring for our bearded dragon, LOVES working on his tank, and LOVES improving his life quality. A lot of other girls in college thought he was weird for his niche and intense interests, especially because he can be kind of shy and quiet. I was the only girl who gave him a chance. And I won the jackpot! He's caring, romantic, respects me, takes great care of me and our home, and he's wicked smart. Sure, he's quirky. Sure, he doesn't have typical 'masculine' hobbies. But he's a great guy, and I wish more people saw more for him than his quirks."
"Not doing surprise gifts, dates, etc. Spontaneity and big gestures are highly romanticized, but they can often set both parties up for disappointment or unrealistic expectations. Communicating and involving your partner instead is a green flag for me. My partner and I like to discuss and plan fun ideas together. We go shopping for gifts together as well, so we get to pick out exactly what we like. It's so much more fun, and there is less pressure to like a gift or hope they like a gift. (And wastes less money)."
—Anonymous, 30; Canada
"Inserting himself into my college life. We currently go to different colleges, but he makes the effort to see me at my college because he wants to get to know my friends and new interests I've picked up. It's so, when I talk, he knows how to contribute to our conversations in a way that he understands what and who I'm talking about. Some people may see it as signs of insecurity or jealousy, but he truly wants to see the way I've been growing as a person now that I'm in college."
"Online gaming. I've dated a couple of people I've met through online gaming. I know people tend to think that's a bad thing (to game a lot), but it requires communication and planning skills, especially when their gaming group includes people around the world."
—Anonymous, 39; Phoenix, AZ
"Not being close to their parents. It's great if your family is close. It's also absolutely okay if it's complicated, but sometimes it is better to cut ties with abusers or toxic people. I think it can be healthy to be no or low-contact, and it can protect partners and future children. It takes a lot of strength to break cycles."
"It's not toxic to have never dated someone before. Like, they're waiting for the truly right person to date."
—Anonymous, 20; South Carolina
"When people always respond with 'What do YOU want to do?' People find it weirdly annoying, but I think it just means they care about how you feel. I don't like it when people are like, 'What do you want to do?' 'Oh, I was thinking ice skating, then lunch at this restaurant, then a museum…' That just feels like they've been creepily putting this whole date together for months. No, thank you."
"Not responding to texts quickly. My bf was sooooo slow to respond to texts when we first exchanged numbers. I thought he wasn't interested, but it turned out that he was not a very tech-savvy guy and had no interest in his phone. This makes dates great as we can converse for hours on end and away from screens. Our interactions are always genuine, and he's so thoughtful!"
—Anonymous, 16; Oklahoma
"Having girl friends as a man. It's not a red flag. It actually tells me women feel safe around you, and you can build a relationship with a woman other than a romantic one. So that means you don't see women only as objects for your pleasure. You actually see them as human beings you can interact with just like you do with other men."
"Not telling someone their WHOLE life story. The older I get, there are things people keep to themselves for a reason. Doesn't mean they don't trust you or you can't trust them. If it's significant enough, it will reveal itself. I am not going to force someone I am with to tell me everything if they're not comfortable doing so. That being said, if you don't communicate what is important to you for them to share about themselves, that is all on you."
—witchysorcerer621
"Not being a self-proclaimed nice guy. This might be specific to my relationship, but he straight up told me he was 'kind of an a**hole' on our first date and said he wasn't good with emotions. It was refreshing as hell, coming from seemingly endless dates with self-professed 'nice guys' who were anything but. Turns out he's not an asshole at all, and he's pretty damn good with emotions now. That first date was 15 years ago."
"A guy cooking, cleaning, and being able to do stereotypically 'female' stuff."
—Anonymous, Maddi, USA 26
"Being upfront about dating other people. It might seem like a red flag at first, but it's actually a green one. Honesty about where you stand shows emotional maturity and respect. It also sets the stage for clear communication when the time comes to discuss exclusivity — if and when both people are ready for that step."
Finally, "On a blind or first date: I am totally OJ with small talk. People have all sorts of different levels and experiences when it comes to meeting with a person for the first time. Being nervous is OK, and not knowing what to say is OK."
—sparklysalt40
Have examples of your own where a perceived red flag is actually a green flag? Let us know in the comments or through the anonymous form below!