Women Are Sharing How They've Been Dismissed In The ER Despite Serious Medical Conditions, And It's Infuriating

Yahoo

29-05-2025

We'd like to think that when we're seriously ill or injured, medical professionals will treat us with care and take our symptoms seriously. But for many women, the reality of seeking emergency medical care tells a different story. When u/djinnisequoia shared her experience of having a "massively, existentially painful" leg infection dismissed by ER staff, it sparked a thread filled with similar stories.
Her post, titled "Advice for women going to ER: don't appear to be lower class. Don't be in so much pain that you skipped full grooming before you went in. Don't be stoic but don't be histrionic either," struck a nerve with hundreds of women who recognized the impossible standards they face when seeking emergency care.
From being told their pain "isn't that bad" to having serious conditions dismissed as anxiety, here are 23 of the most eye-opening and infuriating experiences women shared:
1."I had a massively, existentially painful infection in my leg. Childbirth and kidney stones hurt more, but this was a close third. It felt like white-hot radioactive nanites busily dismantling my body from the bone marrow out. At that point, I had no idea how to express that I was in acute ongoing pain without some street-smart medical professional deciding that since I was disheveled and not actually in an ambulance, I was probably a drug seeker or not that badly off. I had been suppressing audible expression of pain because I did not want to be that person, so I could not very well start then. That would have seemed fake at that point. When triage asked me what my pain was like one to 10, I said 'seven' because that was true, but I did not know why they asked if it meant nothing."
"My blood pressure was up 25 points, which was kind of shocking, but the triage nurse said, 'That will come down when you decide you like me.' What? It could not possibly have been the pain? The pain was actually causing my heart to flutter. I honestly could not get a handle on how exactly to perform pain in an eminently believable way that meant they would address it. Pass out maybe?
They released me with a prescription for the infection, which was the main thing I really wanted, and one for Motrin. Remind me not to get, you know, hit by a car or anything."
—u/djinnisequoia
2."One of my good friends spent years dealing with unexplained GI pain, passed off as 'IBS,' only to discover that she actually had such bad gallstones that it was causing necrotizing pancreatitis. One of her organs basically liquified, and she nearly died, and we have talked a lot about the catch-22 of if you complain too much about pain, you are a drug seeker and histrionic, but if you complain too little, you get dismissed as 'not really sick.' I have an autoimmune disease that causes arthritis, and I think at this point the only person who really has a handle on how it actually affects me is my husband, because he sees my ups and downs on a daily basis."
"With everyone else, I feel like I am always kind of 'performing' either being less or more disabled than I actually am to try to communicate whatever need there is in the moment. Like with a boss, if you need an ergonomic chair, you might play it up, or you might play it down, so you do not get penalized for being disabled at work. It makes me feel like I am inauthentic all the time, like I can never just be without worrying how I am being perceived."
—u/maenads_dance
3."It is a balancing act. I have had a few health issues over the years, and it is very much balancing the difference between acting like I'm in just the right amount of pain without being too much, or they think you are faking or being too dramatic. When my last baby was born, I was begging my husband for help (bad presentation), and the nurse tried to convince me it was just pressure (it was my fourth baby). The doctor just stood and stared. I had an infection afterward, and another doctor just told me that 'things down there hurt after you've had a baby.'"
—u/Flat_Bumblebee_6238
4."I was run over by a truck. It broke my spine in three places. The hospital still did not discharge me with pain meds. Nobody would prescribe to me without seeing me in person. I had to go to a GP and prove that my back was, in fact, still broken, to get a prescription. The full-torso cast and integrated neck brace apparently did not give it away, nor the hospital records of the multiple MRIs and X-rays I had done. I had to pay to get another round of imaging done."
—u/LivingDeadCade
5."I was given ibuprofen after a wreck where I fractured two vertebrae. It's some BS. I feel like men get their pain taken way more seriously."
—u/Lynda73
6."When I had a kidney stone, I was told to take Azo and ibuprofen along with antibiotics. Six months later, my husband goes to the same urgent care and is told he has a kidney stone. He was given adequate pain meds along with antibiotics and another prescription I cannot remember. He was acting like he was dying, and I reminded him that they told me to take ibuprofen and use a urine strainer to know when it passed — they didn't even give me a note for a couple of days off from work, other than the day of my visit."
—u/MarsailiPearl
7."God, being a woman with pain as one of your main symptoms is so exhausting. I have chronic pain (thank you, endometriosis), and my first ER visit was when I was 13. The male doctor didn't even take me seriously because it was the middle of the night and I was in pajamas. Ran some tests, said they looked normal, gave me ibuprofen, and sent me home. That happened a couple more times over the next few years, and I eventually gave up going to the ER when in extreme pain. Going to my regular doctor and various specialists was an annoying double-edged sword."
"I noticed if I went in wearing clothes that did not cause additional pain (i.e., wearing sweat pants or loose clothes that did not cause restriction around my waist), the doctors were immediately dismissive and leaned heavily toward the anxiety or depression 'it's all in your head' stuff. When I forced myself to take the time to be 'presentable' to my doctors, they were so much more respectful but did not believe me when I was expressing how much pain I was in and how much it hindered my everyday life, because I obviously was able to get out of bed and get ready.
I literally became so afraid of going to medical places when I was presenting with mostly pain, it took until my gallbladder was not functioning at all to go to the ER. I finally went because I literally could not eat, drink, sleep, or do anything except lie in a ball crying. I was in so much pain, and when they put me in a room to wait for a doctor, I could barely keep it together. A nurse came in, annoyed at me, and immediately started lecturing me that I needed to calm down, because it was not that serious and I obviously was not in that much pain, then walked out of the room. Literally did no tests or anything. Anyway, a doctor ran some tests about 45 minutes later, came back with morphine, and admitted me due to the results. I was in the hospital for three days and had to have emergency surgery. There really is no winning."
—u/magicflowerssparkle
8."I was a camp counselor at a 14-day (overnight) camp one summer right after college and had a camper (around 12) who was feeling super ill and throwing up, etc. The leaders in charge of my camp (early 20-somethings — who was putting them in charge?) kept passing it off as homesickness, and because the 'adults' were saying it was homesickness (as well as this kid's physician mother), the kid was like, 'I must just be homesick.' I kept going to my leaders and being like, 'I think something's wrong; she doesn't seem to be upset about being here, but she is super, super ill.' There were two leaders — a man and a woman — and the woman rolled her eyes at me when I woke her up at 6 a.m. to be like, 'This kid needs to get to the hospital.' Anyway, turns out the kid had appendicitis and had to have an emergency appendectomy."
"This was way back in summer 2012, and when I think about that experience, it's overall positive except for when I think about that leader in particular. She was the worst, and at the time I did not have the guts to tell her so, but best believe today's me would."
—u/effulgentelephant
9."I had an infection in my leg when I was 12 that caused me severe pain whenever I moved my leg (we did not know what it was at the time). When we went to the emergency room, my mother requested a wheelchair. The nurse opened the car door, looked at me and said, 'You are fine,' in a really rude tone. Then she refused to bring the wheelchair to the car door. Instead, my mother helped me walk around the car and up the curb to where it was. I ended up spending 10 days in the hospital until they figured out what it was. And I was 'fine' — after a lot of pain and some antibiotics."
—u/Seatofkings
10."I know someone who was pregnant and tripped near her due date. She was extremely thin from the stress of an abusive relationship with the baby's father, and her stomach was quite huge, so I can see how she would have lost her balance. The reason she tripped was because a pit bull escaped from its front yard and chased her, biting her ankle. Bystanders separated the dog from her until the owner came, thankfully, but she was in pain and called 911. She could not stand up and thought she had twisted her foot. When they came, they thought she was an addict and treated her like absolute garbage. The paramedic did not buy her story, and instead of untying or cutting her boot off to examine her foot, he yanked it off so hard she's pretty sure he sprained it or broke it, if it was not already. Once they saw the bite marks and the discoloration around her ankle, they agreed to take her to the ER. It was swelling fast and broken at this point."
"In the end, they had to conduct a C-section because she would not be able to take pain meds with a baby inside, and her foot had to be re-broken before a cast could be put on."
—u/work_fruit
11."I used to get dressed up to go to my neurologist about my chronic migraines. Good jewelry, Hermes scarf, the works. He would write Demerol prescriptions for me when my migraines were out of control (the newer meds work for me, so I do not need heavy-duty pain meds anymore). According to his nurses, he was usually stingy with medication, but looking like I had money made the difference. Even though a lot of rich folks are addicts, people still associate it with poverty. Same if you're talking to your kid's school about accommodations or in any other situation where you need cooperation from others. It sucks, but looking rich opens doors that should not be closed in the first place."
—u/PourQuiTuTePrends
12."One of my best friend's partners is an ER nurse and told him (and me by extension) that women who look like me (piercings and blue hair) are usually dismissed as faking things like seizures and are assumed to be drug seeking. I have diagnosed epilepsy and have a couple of neurological birth defects, but apparently, the color of my hair means I must be an attention seeker. I have never asked for pain medication. I already have such low faith in the hospital system, and being told this felt like a simultaneous cheat code and being slapped in the face. I have actually considered dyeing my hair back to a natural color so I can get some help. So cool."
"I am also 40 and do not have any tattoos, dress somewhat well and talk to people respectfully, so apart from the hair, I don't really know what else to do. I guess my vagina is going to get in the way of appropriate care anyway."
—u/noodlepapillon
13."My husband and I were not yet married when I went to the ER in the middle of the night when I was six months pregnant with our first child. I had searing pain on my right side, I was pushing fevers of 104 degrees, and all I could do was cry until I was dehydrated from sobbing so much. They had me waiting like that for nearly three hours, despite a completely empty emergency department, and refused to give me any pain medication at all until they decided to admit me. I spent the next three days lapsing in and out of consciousness due to the pain and the sparse pain meds they would give me."
"I got to a weird, zen place when I hit around 102 degrees because my body felt so hot and comfortable, it made my pain convulsions stop. Finally, by the last day, they diagnosed me with both kidney stones and a bacterial infection. I had passed the stones by then, and they gave me IV meds for the infection.
I was treated like a teen addict, and my husband was not allowed to stay with me because we were not married yet. This was a rural, non-religious hospital, and we were in our early 20s. Heaven help any young woman who does not pass what they deem acceptable to be treated as a human being."
—u/SSTralala
14."When I presented to the ER with excruciating abdominal pain, I had come straight from bed. My hair was a mess, no makeup, messy clothes, and I smelled a little funky. The nurses gave me morphine, and I had to beg for a higher dose. It did nothing. At the max dose, I felt no difference. After many hours of tests and scans, they diagnosed me with ovarian torsion and a melon-sized tumor. Then the nurses finally gave me Dilaudid. One of them laughed. I will always remember: 'No wonder you said you were in pain.' Yeah."
—u/MollFlanders
15."I was sent home twice from the ER, and on my third presentation (this time with a diagnostic ultrasound), left for 10 hours pacing in pain without pain relief, despite having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Prior to this, I was told repeatedly that despite having induction complications causing hypertonicity, I was not in active labor, so they did not need to provide pain relief. And for my second child after this, I was left for 12-plus hours without pain relief or any medical checks 24 hours post-emergency C-section because I had dragged myself to the special care nursery to be with my newborn. I do not know how to perform pain to make someone believe me, either. I have so much trauma now, I dread having an emergency that means I would have to present to a hospital."
—u/purpletruths
16."Try going in as a fat woman. Everything that was ever wrong with you is weight-related even if your BP, A1C, glucose, and cholesterol are normal. I was told last year by an orthopedist that I do, in fact, have a tear in my meniscus after slipping on a wet floor, but it's 'pointless' to fix it and I should just lose some weight."
—u/Ok_Detective5412
17."I have serious back issues, so much so that my doctor and I were considering back surgery just before COVID. Of course, because of COVID, it never happened. My doctor left for a different city, and my new primary decided I was an addict. Stopped prescribing me the pain meds my previous doctor gave me. Told me to take Advil. He also prescribed me PT. Some days it hurts so bad it literally leaves me breathless. A coworker, a man, has back issues. Not the same as mine, but similar. He gets accommodations at work and prescribed pain meds. He gets to work as slowly as humanly possible because 'he has a bad back.' Meanwhile, I work circles around him, and if I have an off day, my boss always comments on it. How does this make sense?"
—u/Environmental-Song16
18."I went to the ER in February with gallbladder pain so severe I was afraid I was having a heart attack. When they asked me what my pain level was, I told them straight up that it was a seven, but that my perception might be skewed because I had given birth twice without pain medication. Thank god they took me seriously. The intake nurse even validated me by sharing she'd had her gallbladder removed several years ago, and her first 'gallbladder attack' had her thinking she was having a heart attack. She'd been a nurse for almost 40 years."
"Outside of this experience and the OB practice I go to, I do not think I have had a single doctor's visit where I have not had my pain and complaints dismissed or downplayed. I have been considering writing a long post about how that history almost led to my son being born in the car two weeks ago. It's exhausting."
—u/AppleJamnPB
19."A few years back, I started getting pain in my upper right side while trying to sleep. It was a dull ache at first, so I figured it was nothing. 30 minutes later, at 11 p.m., I sat straight up in bed and started screaming in pain. I have a freakishly high pain tolerance — I have gone through cancer without a whimper, and once cut my hand so badly that tendons were showing. But this was a whole other level of hell. My spouse, who knows my pain tolerance, immediately knew something was badly wrong and half-dragged me to the car."
"When we got to the ER, I tried to get out of the car and immediately puked. Now we both knew it was serious because I never puke from pain. I got back there within minutes, still crying. Once I lay down, the pain worsened, and I started screaming again. A doctor came in and impatiently said, 'Oh, come on, it is not that bad, stop that, you are upsetting the other patients.' I could not stop screaming in agony. My spouse kept asking nurses why no one was addressing the pain, but another nurse suggested I was just being hysterical.
He replied, 'She is hyposensitive to pain. Her idea of a '10' would make normal people pass out. You need to get a doctor in here and get some pain meds into her. If I need to call a malpractice attorney to record her screaming while you ignore her, I will.' Two hours later, somebody finally put something into the IV. The pain melted away instantly. The diagnosis was a massive gallstone blocking the gall duct. I was released with six oxycodones. Three weeks later, my gallbladder was removed. ERs do not take women's pain seriously. To them, everyone is an 'addict' until proven otherwise."
—u/thornyrosary
20."One time, I went to the ER at night in so much pain that I could not keep from crying. Had on lounge pants and a T-shirt and maybe flip-flops because I had been trying to sleep but could not. I could not figure out why the doctor was acting like I was just there for pain meds. Then, when I had to go to the bathroom, I caught a look at myself in the mirror, and I had Alice Cooper eyes with the runny mascara and eyeliner and a messy bun that had fallen to one side. The old T-shirt and lounge pants were not doing me any favors either. I looked like a bum. But hey, when severe pain like kidney stones hits you, looking like a bum is the last thing on your mind."
—u/WalnutTree80
21."I had LASIK pre-pandemic. The place I went to, they had a bunch of people lined up for the procedure. You all sat in a room together, and they went from person to person having you sign a form and they checked your vitals and gave you a Xanax or something 'to help you relax.' Well, I was at peak anxiety, but I also have anxiety for which I've been prescribed meds. I was not on meds at the time and was internally climbing the walls. The Xanax did nothing. I was sweating profusely. My legs were bouncing up and down. I shredded some little napkin I had for some reason. Shortly before I went back, the nurse came around again and said to the guy next to me that she could tell he was extra nervous, so he could have a second Xanax. I was like, 'Oh hey! I am anxious! I am so very anxious!' and she told me I was up next, so it would not help anyway."
"So that's how I was on the verge of a panic attack while someone burned off my corneas with lasers. But that guy sitting calmly next to me got a second dose he did not even ask for."
—u/ThisTooWillEnd
22."As an 18-year-old, I had a bad night's sleep one Saturday, felt a lot of pain in my abdomen, felt tender, and feverish all night. My parents took me to the hospital around 8 a.m. the next day. I sat in triage for a while and finally got roomed. The attending physician kept leaving and coming back, asking about possible pregnancies, how much pain, rattling the bed I was finally put in, and sent my parents away to ask the same questions. No, I was not pregnant. The pain was zero by the time I was in the hospital. I felt more feverish, but no, there was still no way I was pregnant. Maybe the pain the night before had been a seven? Or an eight? I was not writhing on the floor, but I had not been able to sleep or even get comfortable or feel well enough to read or play video games."
"Around 9 p.m., I finally get an abdominal ultrasound (I was so angry at the thought that this clown still thought I was pregnant). My abdomen was full of fluid. My appendix had ruptured (probably), and they had no way of knowing how bad it was until they did surgery. Then it was a rush to get me into surgery. Surprise! I was septic and had to sit in the hospital on IV fluids and ultra antibiotics for five days to make sure they killed the multiple infections that had happened after my appendix ruptured and sat there for, best we can tell, at least 24 hours.
My partner is in medicine, and I remind him of the idiot attending ED physician periodically (Are you sure you're not pregnant? Jiggles bed. Want to think about your answer again?) just as a reminder that a statistically significant number of medical providers do not listen to women, and it's dangerous."
—u/superalk
23."The only time I was able to argue successfully for a controlled substance, I basically had to sound listlessly suicidal to my psychiatrist and said I was going to stubbornly deal with my depression as my new reality because none of the meds she gave me had worked, so we can just stop trying. I did not actually want to stop. I knew there was a vast number of antidepressants that I had not tried that she could offer. I just had to play dumb, and all of a sudden, I had options. When I got benzos for my chronic back pain, I (truthfully) said that ibuprofen and Motrin just never worked for me, and they gave me the benzos."
—u/PearlieSweetcake
These stories reveal a troubling pattern that goes far beyond individual bad experiences — they point to systemic issues in how women's pain and medical concerns are treated in emergency settings. Whether dressed up or disheveled, calm or emotional, young or older, these women found themselves fighting not just their medical conditions, but also the assumption that they were exaggerating, drug-seeking, or simply not sick enough to warrant serious attention.
Have you experienced something similar when seeking emergency medical care? What changes do you think need to happen to ensure all patients receive the care and respect they deserve? Share your thoughts in the comments below — your story might help someone else feel less alone in their experience.