Talking, crying and laughing at Gorleston bereavement cafe

BBC News

2 days ago

A moment is seared into Thomasina Scott-Greenard's memory.Shortly after the sudden death of her 19-year-old son Oliver, she walked into her local supermarket only for it to be "like the parting of the Red Sea - people turned their backs on me because they didn't know what to say".Five years earlier, Oliver's father and Mrs Scott-Greenard's husband, Simon, had also died, at the age of 36.She describes losing them as "cataclysmic", but says the depths of her grief also led her to understand how important it was to talk openly about bereavement.Now, almost 14 years after her son's death and with time to volunteer, Mrs Scott-Greenard, 57, has launched a weekly bereavement cafe in Gorleston-on-Sea, Norfolk.
Reflecting on both her shopping trip following the loss of her son in November 2011 and the ethos that has been the springboard for the cafe, she says: "I think it's better to say something than nothing."Unfortunately, part of our Britishness is that we don't like to talk about death. "But we should talk about it because we're all going to die; we're all going to know somebody that dies. "It's up to us to support each other, so we don't mourn their loss alone. No-one should be alone."
The cafe at Gorleston's Pavilion Theatre is run as a discussion group, rather than providing professional grief support or counselling.Advice on topics such as what to do with a loved one's ashes and administration is offered, but the cafe is also a sanctuary to share experiences and memories, talk, laugh and cry.Ms Scott-Greenard, who lives in nearby Ormesby and has since remarried, says the fact she had two other children, Elliott and Isobel, and a busy job helped her cope at the time, but she has always been aware how some people were isolated in their grief.The grandmother-of-two says she also coped by throwing herself into volunteering for different causes after her husband died days after being diagnosed with renal cancer, and then the unexpected death of her son from an epileptic seizure while away studying.And with a determination to get people to talk about a subject that is often shied away from, she started running a weekly bereavement cafe in Martham for the county library service last year.Elliott then suggested launching another independent cafe at the theatre, where he works.
"I call it my 'Dead People Club' because... a lot of people don't understand what the word bereavement means," says Mrs Scott-Greenard."But if you break it down, everybody here has got a dead person that we like to talk about. "We don't want to forget - and we can share what we've been through together."
The cafe is open to anyone grieving for a loved one, regardless of when they died. Sue and Paul Davis lost their son Steve on 2 March and have been keen to talk to others as they try to make sense of their emotions. He was 32 when he suddenly collapsed at their home following a series of epileptic seizures.His mother had desperately tried to save him before the paramedics arrived."You can't ever describe the depths of it - it's just devastating," says Mrs Davis."People understand because they've all suffered a bereavement of some kind."Thomasina, because she lost her own son, I find she can understand how I'm feeling."I think although family help, they don't fully understand what it feels like to lose your own child."You can talk about anything - you can be yourself."
Other people in the group have taken pleasure in companionship and building new friendships after losing their partners. Gloria Briggs, 77, had been married from the age of 17 for 52 years when her husband died of a short illness. "We did everything together and everything was about our family," she says."You'll never get over it - you can't - but you live with it a bit better."She says the cafe has made her "get out and meet other people", and see she was not the only one to have lost a husband.It has given her a common bond with Carol, 68, whose mother and husband died weeks apart in 2023.Despite going to grief counselling, Carol felt she needed more support, so visited the cafe after spotting a social media post."I fit in here very well - we've all been through similar," said Carol, who did not want to disclose her surname."When you're bereaved, yes, you've got family and friends - they try and be sympathetic - but I think I put a lot on other people."I think they got a bit fed up with listening to it, whereas here, you can cry."After spending last year wearing black clothes, she says the cafe's family atmosphere has been restorative."I look forward to putting my make up on, doing my hair, wearing something pretty," said Carol. "I thought, 'No, I'm gonna be a bit brighter now and be back to who I am.'"
The free bereavement cafe is held on Wednesdays between 10:00 and 11:30 at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre. Norfolk County Council also runs a series of free bereavement cafes, at locations including Martham.
If you - or someone you know - has been affected by grief, child bereavement or end of life care, you can find information and support at BBC Action Line.
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