Keir Starmer is seriously stupid
As always, there was an obsequious toad ready on the Labour backbenches
The PM began with the usual Starmerite guff production. The man is a veritable Chinese Power Station of pompous pollution. This, however, was more smug than smog. It began with a round-up of how crucial he'd been in every negotiation and discussion.
'We're following in the footsteps of Attlee and Bevan,' crowed Starmer. Well, up to a point Comrade Copper. I mean, his cabinet hated each other too. Apparently, the G7 was going to 'follow Britain's lead' on controlling illegal migration. I genuinely think he didn't see the irony in this. What's next? The G7 to follow North Korea's lead on free speech? Nato to follow Spain's lead on afternoon productivity?
Dick the Butcher, in Henry VI, Part 2, famously exclaims 'now let's kill all the lawyers'. It was this energy and spirit which Kemi Badenoch sought to channel as she stood to respond to the Prime Minister's 12-minute self-paean. 'What we need is a leader, instead we have three lawyers', she said, referencing the PM, Lord Hermer and the Sage of Tottenham, David Lammy.
The PM's slavish following of legal advice was a major theme of her speech. A picture emerged of a man who, if some UN precedent could be found for it, would crawl up and down Pall Mall in a leather gimp-suit singing 'I'm a Little Teapot' and then claim it as a stunning victory for soft power.
Dame Emily Thornberry also invoked the 'soft power' geopolitical sugar plum fairy. Perhaps to distract from her troublemaking over welfare cuts, she put on a sort of sickly-sweet Pollyanna-ish voice to ask her non-question. Normally her mode of delivery is like a buffalo that's just smoked 100 Superkings.
More soft pitches were thrown in Sir Keir's direction by Sir Ed 'Babe Ruth' Davey, who, while ostensibly asking questions on behalf of the Lib Dems, had as his most used phrase today 'I agree with the Prime Minister'.
As always, there was an obsequious toad ready on the Labour backbenches to perform the act of ego-stoking necessary to keep the leader's sense of self intact. Enter John Slinger, who decried petty party politics, then praised the Prime Minister for the unique 'human empathy' he had brought to international diplomacy. Slinger is apparently MP for Rugby. I had assumed he actually represented the underside of a rock somewhere in the deepest, darkest Amazon because that appears to be where he has been living for the past 12 months. There was even a gentle backscratcher of a question from Rishi Sunak about Iranian sanctions. Would anyone in the House follow Mrs Badenoch's lead and try to pop St Pancras's very own pig's bladder of pomposity?
Step forward, Stephen Flynn. The SNP's Westminster leader resembles an apoplectic egg and is the only person in the chamber who appears to hate the PM more than Kemi Badenoch and Big Ange do. How could Sir Keir make his arguments about foreign policy on moral grounds when he was about to cut aid to the disabled, he asked? Cue more fleshy clucking from Starmer. At the end of his rant, Flynn was called what had become the word of the day in this nightmarish episode of Sesame Street: 'unserious'.
For all his capacity to render himself ridiculous by his legalistic pomposity, there is always potential for the PM to add to it. He is particularly keen on affecting the air of a self-important substitute teacher when addressing the Leader of the Opposition; 'not angry, just disappointed'. Inevitably, the PM also accused Badenoch of being 'unserious'. Further irony there of course, because as every good comedian knows, nothing is more ridiculous than someone going about something innately stupid – self destructive even – with the utmost seriousness.
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