‘Excuse me. I've killed my wife': The ongoing menace of forced marriage in Australia
The man taking this video, on January 17, 2020, is Mohammad Ali Halimi, then 25. Halimi, an Afghani refugee, is working as an Uber driver and Halal-method chicken slaughterer. His sleeping wife is another Afghani refugee, Ruqia Haidari, 21, who had lived for six years in the Victorian regional hub of Shepparton, two hours north of Melbourne. Eight months before this video was taken, Haidari was excited about finishing year 12 and had plans to go to university. She dreamt of being a flight attendant. She told a friend that she didn't want to get married until she was 27 or 28 and only then to someone she 'really loved'. But her mother had other plans.
'Excuse me,' he said, after waiting patiently for the front desk officer. 'I've killed my wife.'
Her mother, Sakina Muhammad Jan, pressured Haidari to marry Halimi against her will. When the couple flew to Perth to begin their married lives on November 20, 2019, Haidari found herself isolated and living with a virtual stranger with whom she did not want to be intimate. Halimi, meanwhile, was devastated that his wife was not behaving as he expected, and so he made the 'evidence' video as a complaint to Haidari's family.
The next day, during a fight, Halimi took a 35-centimetre knife to her throat and sliced it twice, killing her in the kitchen. Her brother, Taqi Haidari, told police that Halimi then called him and said: 'If you are a man, come and get the dead body of your sister.' With blood on his hands and clothes, Halimi then walked into a police station. 'Excuse me,' he said, after waiting patiently for the front desk officer. 'I've killed my wife.' Halimi pleaded guilty to murder and was sentenced in 2021 to life imprisonment with a minimum 19-year parole period.
Ruqia Haidari's tragic death put the Australian Federal Police in an interesting position. In August 2019, AFP officers had met with her in Shepparton after her school had notified them that she did not want to get married. They offered to talk to her mother but she refused, saying it would be unhelpful. But after Haidari's murder, the AFP – which had never had a successful prosecution of a forced-marriage case – raided Muhammad Jan's home in October 2020 and later charged her with causing a person to enter a forced marriage (their investigation also discovered Muhammad Jan had received a $14,000 dowry from Halimi).
In an upcoming episode of the AFP's podcast Crime Interrupted, which was provided to Good Weekend, investigators explain that they thought a conviction against Muhammad Jan would set a precedent and deter others. It was also, says Detective Inspector Trevor Russell, 'an opportunity for Ruqia's voice to be heard'. But for many working on the forced-marriage problem, this was a low point. University of Wollongong criminologist Laura Vidal, who did her PhD on forced marriage, says the criminal justice system scapegoated one person within a complex dynamic. 'Nothing happened to the matchmaker, or the brothers, or the community or the 500 people who attended the wedding,' says Vidal.
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Muhammad Jan was, like her daughter, a forced-marriage victim. At age 12 or 13, she married a fellow Afghani she'd never met. She gave birth to her first child in her early teens. She came to Australia as a refugee with four of her children in 2013 after the Taliban killed her husband. She was uneducated, spoke no English and heavily relied on Shepparton's Hazara community which, says Vidal, would have expected her, as a mother, to uphold her family's reputation and find a match for her unmarried daughter.
Last year, in the Victorian County Court, Muhammad Jan was found guilty of causing a person to enter a forced marriage and sentenced to three years' jail with a one-year minimum. The court had heard how she developed serious depression after her daughter's murder and often dreamt of her calling out for help. At her sentencing, Muhammad Jan cried and told the judge, via an interpreter, that she'd done nothing wrong. Between 15 and 20 members of the Hazara community attended court that day, many also shouting and getting out of their seats. One collapsed and was taken away in an ambulance. 'It was the most dynamic scene I've ever seen in 11 years,' the AFP's detective senior constable Jacob Purcell told the podcast. The AFP had wanted Haidari's voice heard. But we'll never know what she would have said that day, watching her mother go to prison.
For Vidal, the prosecution was proof that the criminalisation approach to force marriage had failed. 'We've got one prosecution in 12 years that was only possible because the victim died. Are we really happy with that?' She has studied various approaches to forced marriage globally and concluded that the best model is not our model – which she calls 'the victim-perpetrator binary' – it's understanding the cultural drivers and gender power dynamics of forced marriage, and working with families to shift behaviours. Danish experts are now setting up a trial of this approach at Life Without Barriers.
Nesreen Bottriell, chief executive officer of the Australian Muslim Women's Centre for Human Rights, says the Muhammad Jan case has further damaged the relationship between Muslim communities and authorities. 'The community was shocked by this outcome. It's going to deter victim-survivors from seeking support for fear of their mother or family members being prosecuted.' Bottriell, whose organisation is one of the services victim-survivors can now use as an alternative to the AFP, says she feels authorities overly target the Muslim community on this issue and fail to consider other religions and communities. She says forced marriage is not religiously sanctioned by Islam. 'It's about power and control over women's decision-making.'
Ben Moses, the AFP's acting commander for human exploitation, declined to directly respond to Bottriell's criticism. He says the AFP's focus isn't purely on prosecution, but also prevention through community education and giving victims choice. 'As we know, not everyone wants to engage in the criminal justice process and we acknowledge that.'
Constable Taylah Potter, a Melbourne-based forced-marriage investigator, says in the past six months she's noticed a positive attitude shift, with more young people feeling empowered to discuss the issue with figures of authority. When I ask how she feels about her job, she says it's easy to get caught up in statistics and court outcomes, but then she'll help a 16-year-old at risk of forced marriage and 'it just completely changes the path of their life.'
The joy of freedom
Miriam serves me chocolate-covered pretzels, mini samosas and chai. She's wearing black pants, a smart, black short-sleeved top and lipstick. Her neat, one-bedroom rented unit is small, but it's hers. 'I never knew this concept, I don't know how to explain, just having basics, like having utensils, pots. And then when you move to a house, the bin schedule! Oh, my god, I hate that schedule. And cleaning. Proper cleaning, but with love.' Freedom for Miriam and Khadija is about choice. This rug, not that rug. Take this course, not that one. Go outside.
Freedom. That's the upside of escaping forced marriage. The downside? It's that gaping hole left where a family once was. Miriam misses her beloved brother. Stealthily, she tracks him on social media. 'I'm trying to see if he would give any indication he wants me back in his life. If that's the case, I would take him in my arms.'
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For Khadija, it's her sister, still overseas. Khadija is hopeful she'll not join the estimated 22 million people stuck in forced marriages globally. Recently, Khadija's been thinking about a moment before she left. Her father had brought two peaches. 'I think one of his love languages was definitely fruit,' she laughs. Khadija told him the peach was so sweet. The next day he brought a whole tray and said she could have as many as she liked. 'I just can't forget that. I'm like, 'How can you be such a good person and such a shitty person at the same time?' '
Meanwhile, Miriam is studying healthcare. She's got her flat, her licence, a job and a car. One day, she may even marry. 'I thought men were just heartless, cold, like, not giving any rights to women. Now that I'm outside I'm seeing my friends in their relationships, and it's different. It's caring, it's loving.' I ask about her big dreams for the future. She looks momentarily confused. 'This is what I was dreaming about. I'm there, right now.'
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The Age
4 hours ago
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″All great coaches are paranoid,' a former Sydney Morning Herald editor and fascinated coach-watcher, Sam North, once remarked. Repeat this statement to Gold Coast Titans coach Des Hasler and there is a prolonged pause while he considers the implications of his answer. He does not want to admit to paranoia and certainly not to greatness, having spent 47 years earning a reputation for humility in a code where big-headedness is a crime. I interrupt the long pause to remind him of his phone call to his great friend and rival football manager, Frank Ponissi, after learning the long-serving Storm official had been appointed to the NRL Pathways Committee around the time Melbourne was gifted a $10 million academy to develop young players. Hasler incorrectly linked the two, assuming Ponissi had used his position on the committee to win a big NRL grant for his club. Ponissi explained that the $10 million came from the Victorian government to develop pathways, especially for disadvantaged youth in Melbourne's northern suburbs. Still, Des will not concede he sees agendas everywhere in NRL land, or that he believes passionately in siege mentality. 'Frank and I go back a long way,' he explains, suggesting he was setting his up former Manly coaching colleague while also agitating for the Titans to gain a place on the powerful committee. 'The fact he thinks I am paranoid makes it more delicious. I told him I couldn't understand how a bloke from Melbourne who gets his young players from Queensland could be on an NRL Pathways Committee. I'm pleased my little phone call worked.' Riiiiiight. But if Hasler was playing an innocent game with an old colleague, he has grounds for paranoia, considering the blurry ethics involved when NRL agents seed stories with journalists in order to engineer moves for their client players and coaches to other clubs. The journo gains the clicks, and agent receives the commission. For most of this season, Hasler has coached with the proverbial axe above his head, following a story that the Gold Coast board can sack him if the teams fails to make the play-offs. No one I spoke to at the Titans has any knowledge of such a clause in his contract, but such stories can become self-fulfilling prophesies. As defeat builds on debilitating defeat, weak-minded players have a worthy scapegoat other than themselves and it ends in a win for the player manager when his client is appointed to replace the sacked coach. So, when the Titans came from 24 points down to lead four-times premiers Penrith 26-24 in round 22, only to lose when a Penrith trainer distracted their goal kicker after what should have been a penalty try, surely Des has the makings of a conspiracy theory. Maybe US movie director Oliver Stone could do a film on this. (After all, Des already has a book on him written by Booker Prize winner, Tom Keneally). But no. For a coach entitled to be nine-tenths empty after such a cruel result, he was positive. 'The upside for me was that it was there for all to see. It showed what we are building. People saw it.' Translation: the savvy board, chaired by old school footballer Dennis Watt, saw what would have been the biggest comeback in the club's history, a confirmation the team is playing for their coach. Furthermore, it followed a win away against the Warriors in Hasler's 500th game which, in turn, was preceded by televised Leichhardt dressing room scenes where Hasler dragged his players back from the showers for another tongue lashing, presumably because they didn't look sufficiently penitent after losing 21-20 to the Wests Tigers. Only the lifer coaches, like the Storm's Craig Bellamy, Souths Wayne Bennett and Canberra's Ricky Stuart are willing to risk humbling players. 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I see the training collisions, too, but I also hear coaches complain about players unwilling to play with a minor twinge, or unwilling to commit in defence. 'I can understand them saying that,' Hasler says, 'but it's more a generational thing. Players today have so much information at their fingertips.' True, players sit in their cubicles post game, poring through their phone messages. He also sympathises with players regarding their defensive role, particularly with multi-camera coverage of games. 'All responsibility rests with the defensive player. The defensive choices are a lot more demanding today. A ball carrier could be falling and gets a clip on the head and the defensive player is in trouble.' A Herald reader, Hasler points to a recent column where Joey Johns, an Immortal and former halfback, conceded he has finally come round to the view clearing kickers have been given too much protection. Both cite the round 20 match where Storm captain Harry Grant was penalised for brushing the leg of Manly kicker Luke Brooks. Both claim it cost Melbourne the match. 'When a kicker doesn't have any pressure, he can kick the ball 60m to 70m. A team behind can easily be brought back into the game with a good kick and the six-again rule.' Many old footballers believe repeat sets, via tip-offs from the bunker to the referee, balance the scoreboard. They contend that five years of the six again/penalty convention has normalised the evening out of contests, with fans actually expecting repeat sets to square scores within games and even within series of games. A high penalty count in Perth evened this year's State of Origin series and there was widespread condemnation of the referee in the second Wallabies versus British and Irish Lions Test for not awarding Australia a penalty which would have set up a decider in Sydney. Hasler agrees the referee is not accountable for six-agains because they are ruled on the run. However, for a coach accused of being paranoid, he says, 'It's not as if they are used to even up the game. They control the fatigue factor. They control the momentum swings.' He argues a team needs a good game manager to exploit these oscillations and he has finally found one, switching former fullback Jayden Campbell to halfback. He cites the comeback against the Panthers, saying 'We came up with an unforced error and Penrith had the ball for 27 tackles straight. Once you get the ball back, you need a game manager. You need players who can play instinctively. Jayden Campbell did that. He was a stand-out.' But veteran Latrell Mitchell showed Campbell he still has much to learn in a 20-18 round 23 'Spoon Bowl' loss, when the Rabbitoh centre jolted the ball from his hands, saving a try. Aged 64, Hasler has the work ethic to shame a sherpa. Chairman Watt counsels me not to call him during a five-day turnaround, citing occasions he has worked through the night. Like other footballaholics, such as Bellamy and Bennett, Hasler shows no signs of slowing up in a career which began in Penrith. 'I started playing in 1980, finished with Tommy [Raudonikis] and Singo [John Singleton] at Wests in 1997. What a fun year that was. Then I started coaching with Manly in 2004 and have been doing it for 21 years.' In between were two premierships as a player with the Sea Eagles (1987 and 1996) and two as a coach with the club (2008 and 2011). He also took the Bulldogs to two grand finals (2012, 2014) before returning to Brookvale with messy departures at both clubs following legal settlements. There will be no messy departure from the Gold Cost at the end of this season, with the Titans owners, the Frizelle family saying in a statement: 'Des will be with us in 2026 as his contract states.' He's surfed every cultural wave, saying of today's generation, 'Connection and vulnerability is paramount with today's age and gender.' 'I'm timber walls and a metal roof. I'm just a battler, a tyre-kicker.' Des Hasler The Gold Coast has changed from a 'God's Waiting Room', aged demographic to a region whose schools are bulging. 'It's a developing region with young families moving in, especially since Covid,' Hasler says. It's similar to Penrith, where it all began for him. Asked if he is still a Fibro, he says, 'I'm timber walls and a metal roof. I'm just a battler, a tyre kicker.' Hmm. He might identify with the same social class, but he has changed tax brackets. When he arrived at Manly as a player, Noel 'Crusher' Cleal gave him the nickname 'Sorry'. Asked why, Hasler says, 'He reckons I was always saying sorry.' As a Penrith boy, perhaps he was apologetic in the presence of big name players at Brookvale and an Immortal in coach Bob 'Bozo' Fulton. As a coach, he acquired the nickname the 'nice Bozo', a reference to a kinder side to an identical relentless, ruthless streak. Yet, this ignores the companionship I had with Fulton and plays into rugby league's love of convenient mistruths. In later years, Hasler is nicknamed 'the Mad Scientist.' He has 'no idea' of its origin, unsure whether he is expected to split the uprights or the atom. Still, the great inventor, Thomas Edison was dreaming of his 1,094th patent when he died at age 84 and, like Hasler, Edison remained thoroughly modern to his last breath. No one tried to move him on for clickbait and a commission.
