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Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

The Onion03-07-2025
CHICAGO—Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. 'Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown to be effective against was genital warts,' said lead author Dr. Patrick Mercier, explaining that despite prayer being promoted as a remedy for cancer, drug addiction, and mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia, such invocations for divine intervention were utterly useless unless the condition somehow involved viral growths located around the groin and anus. 'The ability of prayer to treat sicknesses and disorders was so narrow, in fact, that it could not even heal plantar warts found on the soles of feet. That said, entreaties to our Creator were so efficient at addressing genital warts specifically that patients who held their hands over the affected vulvas and penises and pleaded to a higher power for relief often found their HPV breakouts cleared up within 24 hours.' Mercier added that curing genital warts was actually the only thing prayer was capable of achieving across the board.
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  • New York Post

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The decline of drinking, explained in one chart

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timea day ago

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is a senior editorial director at Vox overseeing the climate teams and the Unexplainable and The Gray Area podcasts. He is also the editor of Vox's Future Perfect section and writes the Good News newsletter. He worked at Time magazine for 15 years as a foreign correspondent in Asia, a climate writer, and an international editor, and he wrote a book on existential risk. Today, around 8,200 or so Americans will turn 21. Which means, of course, they will become eligible to engage in that time-honored habit of adulthood: drinking alcohol. (I'm sure absolutely none of them did so before they turned 21. I certainly did not, or at least, would not admit to doing so in this piece, which I know my parents read.) Yet those who get the chance to legally order a beer or a wine or, God help them, a Long Island iced tea, may find the bar a little less crowded these days. According to a new survey released by Gallup this week, just 54 percent of Americans now say they drink alcohol. 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